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Hello my love. Happy Birthday. So much is going on as always. I've had another operation in Sept. I have a couple rods in my lower spine. Not healing so well. Every day is a struggle for me.
On 12.12.12, my best friend and your sisters Godmother, her son died at 27. He was driving in Wisconsin and hit a patch of black ice and passed away. Jeffrey was 7 months older than you. Very very hard. I wasn't able to travel to say my goodbyes because I am still recovering.
I had a very insightful conversation with your Aunt Debbie. Actually a couple of them. For 27 years, each birthday of yours, I have sat and cried myself sick. I have buried myself in depression and closed myself off for days. I blame myself for giving you up. Well, the people to blame are actually your adoptive parents. I need to face that fact. They knew I could NOT go through with the adoption if I were to be kept in the dark. I told them both, on the phone and in person, that I cannot live without not knowing. Not knowing if you were healthy, happy, and doing well. They promised so many times. I could not do it, if I did not know. I would lose my mind. This based on what your Aunt went through. I watched my sister go through it and they knew it. And they lied. And I believed them. I could not forgive myself for trusting them. Because they lied. Over and over again. They didn't give a frack that I would suffer for years, so yes, I have to get my mind right. I need to celebrate your life. I am glad that somewhere else in the world, there is a child of mine and Nicks. Besides your sister. I have to stop beating myself up and start being thankful and no more lamenting and coming here to whine every year. I wish you the best my love. I wish you nothing but good things. I hope your birthday was fantastic. I love you son. We love you.
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