Adoptive Mom: When will I feel the love?

You have to pick her up and cuddle her like you do your son-not wait until the feeling comes. Remind yourself that this is a hurt, scared, little girl that needs and deserves to be loved. It's only been a short time and you need to get to know her and she needs to learn to trust you. And hard as it is, you need to be careful not to compare your feelings for your son with your feelings for her-you had nine months before you met your son to prepare for his arrival and he was totally dependent on you. This child missed that and needs to learn to depend on you. Spend some one on one time with her-have your husband watch your son or put him to bed a little before her so you can have separate mommy time with her.

In the foster/adopt world doing what lucyjoy said about picking her up and cuddling her now, not waiting until you feel like it is called 'fake it until you make it'. Simply put, as an adult you need to fake having the love for the child, until it actually happens. I know this is, many times easier said than done, but like lucyjoy said, she is a hurt, scared little girl that needs and deserves to be loved. Will it take time? Maybe. Maybe it will happen much faster than you anticipate.

As someone with a Type A personality, I completely understand the need to get something done around the house, especially when the there is only one towel left in the closet (that drives me crazy) but as pp have mentioned, you will need to fake it until you make it. I am sorry that the tension spilled into a fight with your DH but dust it off, put your best foot foward. Don't worry about who is right/who is wrong. Just fake it until you make it and who knows what amazing love/bond can be created. (When shopping for his son do you never walk past the girls clothing, stuff and just melt? Now you get to dive into those ruffles!)

there is a difference, there is no denying it. She will not ever be your son (and the same connection you have with him, having birthed him and parented him from birth). With time you will come to love and appreciate this little girl (your daughter) for who SHE is and for the love and bond you begin to create. It takes time but it also takes you making a conscious effort to find bonding moments and acting of them. It doesn't have to be the same things you do with your son. Instead of snuggling with her on the couch in place of your son, why not find another activity to do with her. Playing a game together, doing each others nails, playing with make-up or playdough. Try looking up bonding activities you can do together.

You will not feel the love. You should eat some cheese

Cut yourself some slack. No one immediately loves a child in the way a mom does. Sure people can love the idea of the child, but not the child. It takes time to know this person. On the two week mark with my son, I was calling the social worker saying come get him! He rocked my world in the not so great way.....but once I calmed down and just went with the flow, I started seeing this great kid. My advice is don't panic and give yourself time to adjust.

To me...... Love is not an emotion. Love is an action. So you are waiting to feel the "emotion" of love. But that is not what love is.... especially to a child. Love is an action. So, you **love** this new child by how you treat her. Not by how you feel about her. We learned in my foster parent class that there is a difference between bonding and attachment (colloquially they are the same, and you can use them interchangeably when you talk) but for diagnostic and psychological purposes they are different. BONDING can ONLY happen between a biological mother and her biological child. It's typically fairly quick and there isn't really anything you can DO.... it just happens. ATTACHMENT grows as you take care of someone. And as someone takes care of you. Or as you receive care. Or as someone receives the care you provide. It's NOT instantaneous because it has to build with history between 2 people. What you are wanting to do is bond with her like you did your son. But think of it more as wanting to attach to her, which will take time. I also think in my experience that talking about FEELINGS with your husband is not always as effective as talking about the issue and finding resolutions. So, I think you should talk to your husband, but do it in order to clearly define expectations. Set out a schedule. Caring for 2 children is different than caring for 1. Caring for a new 3 year old who had had a disruption is different than caring for a newborn or your "own" 3 year old who has grown up in your family. So - instead of just moving forward..... get strategic. Discuss what you expect from each other. Discuss what you anticipate might be a problem, and define potential solutions so that when it happens you can make decisions without one spouse accusing the other. Above all - be kind to YOURSELF. Don't expect to feel about a new child the same as you felt about your son. Don't expect to be the same kind of mom, because it's a different kid! Instead - try to just get to know her. Not as 'the thing that might ruin my marriage' but as your niece, who is new in town. Just simply get to know her, without the pressure of trying to be her "mother".... I think that will come on it's own. Maybe for a while, be her "aunt". Would you cuddle your niece? Sure you would! Would you split duties and one parent does house stuff and one does kid stuff - sure you would! The problem is that your husband is as scared as you are, probably. So, while you are being kind to yourself, remember to be kind to everyone :-)

I am so happy that you wrote and are looking for help. You might consider also a little regression attachment. Where you treat her as younger than she is. Try to do as much for her as possible - like feeding, bathing, dressing. All the eye contact and touching will help you. Carry her when you can. Hug her for as long as you can and breathe in that little girl smell. Girls do apparently smell different than boys. There are loads of attachment books out there - I really like "The Connected Child". I was a long time attaching to my eldest son, but instant with my second. There is no rhyme or reason. Would you consider letting her sleep with only you for a while? Feeling her little breathing body while she is not making any demands of you will be of great help. Even if you only sleep with her for a few hours and then move her to her own bed. One on one time will be key too. I bet you are itching to get out and buy some little girl clothes. Take her for a bit of shopping without anyone else and then out for coffee/hot chocolate. Mom and child Swim lessons were one way that I attached with my son. He had to rely on me to help him and I got to hold him and soothe him and have fun. And give yourself a break about the pressures. I am also an A type when it comes to the house. It will be messier for a while, but your health and happiness have to be met as well as everyone else or you won't do any good as mother to either child. You are early days in this. Once your brain catches up with the reality of it all and you find your rythym it will all get easier. Time is the best medicine.

I actually disagree with this. I know in my son's case its not true. He "bonded" to me almost immediately---as I mentioned for me it took longer to "attach". As even his bio-family slipped and commented on, they didn't have that kind of connection. In fact, they were truly shocked by his interaction with me because he'd never responded in such a way. I know other foster parent that has a child that literally, the moment the chlid saw her, she became his lodestone.....yet on her side it took time to develop. In both cases, the level of neglect, especially emotion neglect, was pretty severe. In my son's case mental illness prevented the bonding that should have occured, in the other child's case it was the extemely low cognitive function of the bparent. I think there are situations where the natural need for a bond that a child possesses can override the "normal" bonding pattern and they can bond to another adult.

This stuck out like crazy for me. IMO, someone needs to tell your foster care instructor that s/he needs to know what adoption is all about for many of us. Biology has little to nothing to do with it; and if it did, there'd be a lot better moms instead of having foster children in placements. That said, I do understand where you're coming from. I do agree it *can* be harder to find a bond with an older child (and yes, a 3yr old is an older child when compared with a newborn). All of our children were adopted and trying to bond with older children vs newborns is different. But, in reading what you've posted, is it possible you're also afraid the bond you have with your little boy might be affected should you also bond with your new little one? (I wonder if this 'fear' is more common than people admit...and common even for moms who're giving birth or adopting their second child.) Believe me, your affection and ties for your son won't be lost should you fully give yourself to this little girl. And, while you've not said so, I wonder if beginning the process to adopt this little one has been a difficult road thus far in terms of not being sure she was actually going to BE adopted? That doubt is HUGE for many (it was for me at times) because most people have difficulty completely allowing themselves to get attached if there's a possibility the child won't be able to stay, KWIM? I may be speculating too much and if so, I apologize. I'm not one to 'fake it until you feel it'; but I *am* one to believe in getting to know her as 'her' and trying not to compare her to your son and his place in your life. The two cannot be compared for a whole lot of reasons---and not necessarily because she'll be adopted and he's from birth. Try to be good to yourself. Try to relax. Even if you'd given birth to her you'd likely have some of these same doubts/fears. Even if you'd given birth, I think you'd still be trying to figure out a type of schedule and roles within the house. Simply put, regardless of how our babies come to us, it's still an adjustment to juggle one child's needs with another child and how this plays out differently each and every day. Good luck and give yourself some time. Sincerely, Linny As for what you're feeling fo

Thanks to Linny and ladyjubilee for addressing the bonding issue! I agree with both of you. This stuck out to me, too, but I wasn't sure how to address it. I think the OP has gotten good advice. You may not have even been looking to adopt and now have a 3 year old. There's another thread (I believe in the foster parents forum) about how much harder it is to bond with a toddler or preschooler than it is with an infant. I don't think you can be expected to "feel the love" right away. As others have said, get to know her as her without pressuring yourself to have a strong bond right away.

Well I didn't mean to offend anyone with the information that was presented to me in my class and also during college. My intent was to indicate that the expectation should NOT be to bond with a toddler the same way you bond with your biological infant. I stand by that statement. The feeling I have for my daughter is SIGNIFICANTLY different for what I feel for my niece. That doesn't de-value either relationship. It simply means that if OP is going to raise her niece she may need to have different expectations than she might have had for a 2nd biological infant. I don't see that there is anything wrong with differentiating. I also think that if she is told that the bond should be the same, in invalidates why she is feeling that she is bonding with her niece whom she will adopt differently than with her biological child.

Missouri, You didn't offend me and I knew (as you stated) it was info taught to you. While I've never given birth, our family has found there's a difference between the adoption/bonding of infants and older adopted children. Not the same, it's true. But, while I can't answer how it is to birth a child, I *can* say what it's like to bond with an infant vs an older one. What someone has taught you sounds like the Primal Wound theory, which many of us would disagree with. And I get what you're trying to say---your own child vs a neice. But, when your own child is one that came to you through infant adoption---well, that's one where biology takes a back seat, IMO. I think most of us would say it might be harder to bond with a toddler than an infant....not even considering the controversial theory of biological bond. It's not that there was a disagreement with how the OP might differentiate between the toddler and the child she has known from birth; but that biology would play a part in it at all. Sincerely, Linny

BLPMassage - It is hard when you adopt an older child but the fake it until you make it thing is sooo true. You wake up one day and realize you dont have to fake it anymore you really do bond with them eventually. But holding her and cuddling her and doing 1 on 1 things with her will improve your relationship with her and your husband as well. Best of luck sweetie this particular issue is tough!