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My 14 year old daughter was adopted a few days ago. Her emotions are normally a roller coaster and will often go from normal to extremly angry, or she will completely shut down. This was getting better untill her adoption. I met my daughter when she was 10. I was her camp counselor and we continued contact and I began to mentor her. She entered foster care last year and her mom surrendered her rights in leu of them being terminated. Her father has an order of protection against him due to sexual abuse. I have always been supportive of her seeing her bio-family as her mom has helped me with the adoption by giving up her rights. Her mom has mental health issues and is mildly mentally retarded which was why my daughter went through a lot of neglect. She always did what she want and pretty much took care of the house and raised her brother. Her brother is 6 and in a different foster home. I gave my daughter a second middle name and kept her name entirely the same other then that. She wanted me to change her first name but I wouldnt allow her and I told her she could do that when she is 18. Now since the adoption and this started 3 hours after, she decided she wants nothing to do with her old family. She is constantly on edge, has been shutting down regularly, often telling me that I am just like her mother. She also went to school the day after the adoption and told her teachers and friends she will now only respond to her new middle name and that is what she wants to be called by. I feel like she is going through an identity crisis and i am her punching bag. She is constantly fighting with her friends at school and will often delete them out of her phone and delete her facebook. She likes to shut people out of her life and will easily ruin relationships with others. She is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wondering what other parents of newly adopted teens experienced and if anyone has children with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is currently in therapy. Its helping, but they are baby steps. Thanks!
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Sorry to hear this.It does sound VERY normal for the type of transition and trauma she is experiencing. She needs to know she isn't alone, and that her feelings she struggles with are normal. She also needs to maybe have a cute/loving nickname for a while? At least while she is transitioning.She is probably experiencing loyalty/guilt issues. She also is likely to have some self esteem/self image problems, and her attempt at change is to discard all of her old life. She needs to find things to love about the younger version of herself and her life. She needs to see herself as a composite of all her experiences, and make note of how she has benefitted from even the bad ones. Also her name may be emotionally connected to the abuse she suffered. (Mine was, as a child) I needed a fresh start, and tried to change my name too, because when I heard it, my mind echoed all the horrible times it had been said. This is tricky stuff, but discussing with her, the reasons behind her feelings, decisions, and things she wants to bury or avoid will be helpful. Let her know you understand her motivations and goals and what changes she is expecting from this direction she is heading, and help her see how it can be unhealthy and emotionally detrimental, and show her how to achieve the same objectives, but in an emotionally positive way.
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