From Hopeful to Hopeless and back again

I have looked for support from my family and friends but no one seems to understand or cares enough to really listen to what I am going through. I hope you all can help me get though this... 1 year and 3 months ago I gave my daughter up for adoption to a family member who I really believed I could trust. My daughter was 2.5 years old when the adoption finally went through. The reason for so much time between her birth and the adoption? I became pregnant as a result of a rape. I am pro-life so I didnt even consider abortion. I already had a 4 year old daughter and though the idea of adoption came, I just couldn't go through with it at the time. Add to the pie a pending divorce, a recent medical discharge from the Air Force, chronic, debilitating migraines-- I was a mess. But even though I was a mess, I wanted to try to take care of this new little human. Fast forward 2 years from the birth and I was still messed up from everything that I had gone through. My daughter already looked like my rapist and as she got older those features only became stronger. But the migraines were the worst. It was so hard trying to take care of a baby then toddler while in so much pain. I decided to give her up for adoption because I thought it would be best for her if someone else would take the leading role in her care. Before the papers were signed, I was adamant in voicing my concerns about maintaining a relationship with my daughter. Not just for me but for my oldest daughter as well. Almost as soon as the papers were signed, the amom decided that there should be a significant amount of time for no contact. Then there would be months that went by with no conversations or visits. My daughter always had something to do. A wedding, a party, a funeral, another wedding, vacations...it would go on and on. I did get to see her on special occasions--my oldest daughters graduation from Kindergarten and then for my grandmothers visit. I haven't spoken to her since the first conversation we had following the adoption. That is at least 13 months. She wouldn't give me a phone number to talk to her and she wouldn't return my emails. I resorted to sending YouTube videos for her to view since she was too uninterested in talking and too busy to read. I was frustrated!!! Out of my frustrations came the idea that I would leave her alone. It was frustrating because every time I would see my baby she would cry and cut up so bad when it was time to go. I hated to see her cry so much. But the night that she asked me to stay and I told her no and she responded with, "Why mommy. You don't want me no more", my heart broke into a million pieces. I was hurting too and again I thought that I might be able to save her from further hurt. So I told her I would leave them alone since it was too much for me to remain in her life. I left home because it was too, too hard to live right down the street from my daughter and not be able to see her. So I now reside in Arizona. I traveled home two weeks ago and tried to connect with her. Emailing her before I arrived home, calling her job, stopping at her home and leaving a note with my new phone number on it. She never called and she didn't reside at her home the entire 8 days I was there. This is not how this was supposed to be. I feel like I was bamboozled and fed a bunch of lies. Now I want to try to get baby back. I just don't know what to do...