Advice please?

First of all, take a deep breath and give yourself and your baby some time to really consider the option of adoption. I'm assuming you're early in your pregnancy, maybe first trimester? If so, you have a lot of time to make your decision. Even if you decide to relinquish your parental rights and place your baby for adoption while you're pregnant, you'll have to make the whole decision again once he or she is born. Many young women do change their minds at that point, and that is okay.I was 16 when I became pregnant, 17 when I delivered my baby son. Back in those years, there were no open adoptions, only closed adoptions. I don't have personal experience with OAs, so I won't try to tell you the pro's and con's. There are members here, though, who participate in OAs, and I'm sure they'll speak up as soon as they see your thread.The one thing I *can* tell you is that adoption and relinquishment are nothing like they show in the movies or on television. The pain lasts a lifetime for many of us, although you do eventually learn to live with it and survive. Adoption is a permanent solution for what often is a temporary situation. You say that you and your boyfriend would love to keep your baby. Have you looked into all the financial assistance and support programs that are available for single mothers who have little income?It's very difficult to be a teen mom, but it is possible with emotional and financial support. I'm just kind of worried that you want to raise your baby but feel it's the wrong time. What do your parents say? Have you told them yet?

I forgot to mention that you might want to cross-post this thread over to the "Considering Your Options" subforum. It's under the general category of "Birthparents."

Stingrayyy, First off, never, ever think that you need to explain about why you are pregnant. No one here will assume anything about you just because you are asking about adoption. Many of us who placed never used drugs or drank. I was stone cold sober when I got pregnant. It happens. On to open adoption. I placed my son nearly 9 years ago. I'm not going to be all Suzie Sunshine and tell you it has been perfect, because it hasn't. It has been a long, hard road. OA doesn't fix anything and it doesn't make it easier, no matter what anyone else will tell you. Unless they are on the placing side of it they see the joy in it for the adoptive family. Not many people in this world really understand the pain that a woman who places her child goes through. So many think it is a closed thing and we are just done. It doesn't work that way for many it really doesn't. Open adoption isn't easy either. You watch your child grow up from afar. You have to keep your mouth shut when their parents make decisions that maybe you don't agree with. Their parents change their name to one you hate. You have to give your life history to people that may think it is theirs to tell whoever they feel like telling. You don't get to share your true feelings about things with them because they may close the adoption and they hold all the cards after your rights are terminated. The original birth certificate is sealed and for all intents and purposes you and your child's father are erased. On the flip side, you do get to see your kid grow up, it isn't an unknown like it was for those who placed when closed adoptions were all that was available. If you work hard you can build a good relationships with your child's other parents. You can overcome the pain and come out on the other side stronger and better. Please do yourself and your boyfriend and your unborn child a favor and get good unbiased counseling. Somewhere that isn't solely an adoption agency or a crisis pregnancy center. There are SO many resources out there for young single parents. If finances are big reason for this, please don't place based solely on that. Finances are temporary and adoption is final.

Anyone interested in a great book. It's called "Stow Away". The author is Lee Campbell. She is a birthmother who, in this story, writes about her own experience in giving up a baby for adoption. Go to Amazon.com and type in Stow Away to read about the book, and some reviews. Trust me, it is an excellent read. You will love it. Spread the word! Thanks. Hope to chat later...

There is a great book out. It's called "Stow Away". The author is Lee Campbell. She is a birthmother who, in this story, writes about her own experience in giving up a baby for adoption. Go to Amazon.com and type in Stow Away to read about the book, and some reviews. Trust me, it is an excellent read. You will love it. Spread the word! Thanks. Hope to chat later...

Think hard, remember, open may not stay open. Adoptive parents can do whatever they want. They can tell your child whatever they want about you. Check the boards here for the adoptees, so many have been lied to. The agency will lie, too. They think they're doing you a favor, it's not malice, but their entire reason for being is to get babies for prospective parents. You can't judge how well the parents will deal with things, either. Supposedly infertile couples suddenly give birth, or divorce, or in our case BOTH. The couple who adopted my child immediately got pregnant, quickly adopted a much older child in addition to the first, and had a baby. Instead of an only or oldest, suddenly he was a middle. Not bad, but not as advertised, either. You ask them all these questions today, but the answers aren't guaranteed, any more than anyone else's life is guaranteed. Remember, you can't change your mind once you give your child up. As hard as it seems, you are caught up in the process, and it all sounds so logical, but then when it's too late you have no options. It's been 43 years since I found out I was pregnant. I have never forgotten, never really gotten over it. You may be different, you may have big plans that you can resume and fulfill. At least there are options today for support, look into that before you decide. Everyone means well, but you are the only one with no control. You don't know what finality is like until it happens. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

I feel a real sense of concern that you seem to need to defend your motherhood by saying "no drugs or anything". You are pregnant, and the baby growing inside of you does not feel a sense of shame that you are pregnant. You are the mommy. Best advice- do not let anyone talk to you about adoption until you have given birth and have bonded with your child. There is absolutely no rule that you have to make plans or give your baby to people who are basically strangers to you and your baby until you are sure you cannot parent. Enlist the help of family if you can. You need to make sure this decision to seperate you child from his mother and father is the best decision. As for open adoption. They are not legally enforcable in most states. Even if you get your day in court that does not mean you will get to see your child or get more then a yearly update with a fuzzy photo and brief note. We were promised and open adoption. It closed because the aparents never intented for it to be open. Years later my relinquished daughter was told by her brother who we were and contacted us. She had been told we died in a car accident. Not meaning to scare you. But you need to be informed of all the possibilities. Please research adoptee and birthmother blogs to see things from those who experience loss in adoption.

Hi, Stingrayyy. I'm an adoptive mom in a very open adoption. Our daughter is 6; just talked to bmom today and we are planning get-togethers this summer. Her children (she's now married with two) are being raised to call me "Auntie" and our daughter and my other children refer to birth mom as "Mama S". It's been very good for us, but I admit it was rocky in the beginning. You can look up my past posts to see some of the emotions we went through. It's tough figuring out how we all fit together, at first; it may be difficult sometime in the future, as our daughter gets into her teens (who knows?). But parenting is always kind of an unknown adventure. My advice to you is shop around for a counselor, Christian pregnancy center, or an adoption agency that is all about open adoption (I can give you info if you pm me). You can request that it be as open as you want. What I understand from others (and our agency) is that it's standard to allow the adoptive family some bonding time, maybe no contact for the first few months. Then you can set the terms for how often you have contact. You need to have support for your decision, whatever it is. We knew bmom before the adoption, but made sure we went through an agency that supports birthmoms and is strictly about open adoption. We wanted her to be sure, and to get support before, during and after. She had some tough times after the adoption because her boyfriend (bdad) left her, her counselor died suddenly, and family was not super understanding. Rough first year. Then we settled into a routine; then we had to readjust and extend grace to each other in about year 3 or 4. Since then it's been really good. At first I sent tons of pictures; then it dwindled. We talked on the phone a lot, skyped, had lots of visits. We are Facebook friends so we keep up with each other that way. She's visiting the area this summer and we'll spend a lot of time together. I'll probably babysit her kids sometimes, and she'll maybe take our daughter out for a special date or something. I'm not saying this is easy; it's emotional. But we are united in loving that little girl, and I think her Mama is a hero for giving her life, and blessing us as well. Blessings to you as you decide what to do. Message me if you need more info.

Stingrayyy, Such a scary time and I'm so proud of you for stepping forward, weighing your options and trying to do what it best not only for yourself but for your baby as well. I was 6 months pregnant when I decided on adoption and I went to a local Christian center that dealt with open adoptions. All families that went through them were pretty local, most being about 2-4 hours away. I spent a lot of time looking through letters, binders with photos, and really learning about the adoptive couple. We met numerous times, talked a lot and they met my family. They were very open with their address, phone number. They had a 2 year old son that was also adopted and his birthmom was very involved in his life. When I had my daughter, I spent 3 days bonding with her in the hospital before placing her into her mommy's arms to take home. It was by far the most excruciating pain I've ever gone through, but also the best thing I've ever done for someone. I was only 17 and although yes, I would have had tons of help, for ME I didn't feel I was at the stage in my life where I could appropriately care for a child and give her everything she needed/wanted. I didn't want to be another statistic raising my child on the system. I wanted more for her. That was my own personal thoughts/feelings. Other people have different reasons. Fast forward 18 years and here I am. I do not regret my choice. I got pictures/letters every year. I was invited to visit numerous times, they even visited my parents. I was the one that pulled away and never saw her after she turned a year old. I was satisfied with the photos/letters from her mom. That was all I needed. I knew she was safe, thriving and happy. It was also very hard for me to think about visiting a child that was mine, but not mine. Last weekend was her high school graduation and I finally put aside my own feelings and went for her sake. She really wanted to meet me and I felt she had that right. It was wonderful, and looking at the beautiful, determined young lady who looked exactly like me, I knew I made the right decision. Was it easy? Oh, heck no. It was never easy. Even after 18 years it was hard as hell to deal with. It's never going to be easy if you choose adoption. It has to be what you feel is best for your child and what you feel is best for you as well. Adoption isn't the answer for everyone and it isn't as if you just have your baby and that's that. It's a lifelong decision that you will have to live with, cope with, cry over, thank God for, feel blessed for, get angry about, curse God for, feel hopeless about, be happy about and really grieve for. The feelings are really beyond explanation and you will go through them all if that is the path you choose. Keep us updated and know that tons of people here will support you.

It is going to be the hardest decidion you make,and there will always be a piece of you missing. Find a loving family you choose, open adoption and give this child in love and with the strength in knowing you are doing it out of love. I am awaiting meeting my son I placed with a family 15 years ago. Best to you

I am an adoptee and had an open adoption. It might be confusing for the child at first but it allows the bmom time to see that she made the right choice for her child, to see the child grow and thrive. It's easier for the adoptee to ask questions as they grow older about why was I placed for adoption, etc. As a piece of advice from an adoptee's point of view, never say I gave you up for adoption- that only encourages the thoughts of why didn't my bmom or bdad or bparents love me enough, was there something wrong with me, etc. It will be a hard decision for you and I'll pray for you. *hugs*

Hi there just wanted to say only you know what's best in your own unique situation. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me anytime.

I am an adoptive mother and want you to know this: you do not have to decide before birth. You have time. I met my adoptive daughter when she was 7 days old her 1st mom took the time she needed in order to make the decision. This is your decision to make and remember the circumstance you are in today may not be the one you are in 1 year, 5 years or even 10 years from now.