how others see my son - long

A few months ago, I had decided to switch daycares for our youngest, who has some moderate developmental delays and/or autism (still trying to differentiate which issues are caused by - or exacerbated by - which diagnosis). I felt that his current daycare didn't have enough structure or adult guided learning (more of a free-play type atmosphere), and wanted him to get into a very structured setting. After sitting down with the director in the best daycare/preschool in our area, we agreed that he could go into their 2yo classroom, based on his developmental age of 18mos-2yrs (despite the fact that he is almost 3yo). I explicity explained his needs - self feeding but not w/utensils, uses a sippy cup, would have EI coming in to work with him, delayed expressive & receptive language, and not toilet trained. The 2yo classroom had what he needed to learn those skills (well, actually the 18mo classroom would have been best, but he is physically too big to be with those children). At the time (early Feb), they did not have a spot in the 2yo class, so his start date was supposed to be this upcoming Monday. I paid our deposit (quite hefty!) and gave notice to our daycare about a month ago. Yesterday, we did our meet and greet. I think the director was immediately off-put b/c he didn't make eye contact with her and was obviously stressed, so she kept trying to engage with him (which didn't work at all!). THEN she told me that she had figured, based on his birthday, that he woudl be going into the 3yo classroom, and that she had already given away his spot in the 2yo classroom (AND that child had already started - despite the fact that I was supposed to be notified if there was an opening in the 2yo classroom sooner). She was, of course, very apologetic (maybe patronizingly so?), because it was obvious that he wouldn't fit in the 3yo class - the kids were painting, coloring, cutting papers, had to be toilet trained, used utensils exclusively, etc. I have NO IDEA how she got from "he's developmentally 18mos, so I'm going to reserve a spot in your 2yo class" to "he's almost 3yo, so I'm going to give away the reserved 2yo spot and unilaterally decide to put him in the 3yo class." But, of course, if I was willing to wait a few more months, she *might* have an opening in the 2yo class again. The class that, apparently, is NOT willing to make any accomodations for my son, including allowing him to use a sippy cup (2yos HERE do NOT use sippy cups!). Nor would they accomodate his schedule by putting him on the bus to go to the special ed preschool 3 days/week. Did she give away his 2yo spot? I honestly don't know. Part of me thinks that it was p*** poor planning on her part, and a bit rude to think that she could make that decision w/o consulting me (I would have wholeheartedly objected). Part of me thinks that she saw him (with his quirks), and was looking for any excuse not to allow him in HER daycare. Or some combination of the two. I have never had someone give me a refund of a deposit so fast in my entire life :( It was only obvious to me at that preschool, though, how incredibly different my son is from other children his age - and younger. Kennedy Krieger recently said that he has "autistic tendencies" but won't give him a diagnosis of autism b/c he's only developmentally 9mos (which I disagree with - so, if he's developmentally older, it's autism). Trying to introduce him to a new situation made it painfully obvious that it IS autism, and that he IS different...and that other people see him that way. A mother's love must truly be blind. I am so hurt, and frustrated, and worried for his future :(