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So I sent this out this morning figuring it's about time I gathered up the courage and laid it on the line. Haven't heard a word back yet.
For those of you who haven't read the whole story.....it's there if you care to delve into it.
For those of you who have....you all know how this came about.
We'll see how things unfold. I called everyone by name but out of some semblance of privacy mainly for them; I left the names out. I have poured my heart out here for most of you so you might as well hear this too.
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Good Morning
If someone will please pass this on to my father I would be grateful. Tell him I love him and I wish things were more comfortable for me to come and see him; but they aren't and there are reasons why, that maybe you would like to explain to him. I haven't got it in me to explain it at all.
I would send it in a letter but I don't know if he can read a letter. Besides that, hashing through all this is a nightmare.
I have been as polite as my patience will allow. I have sent this to all three of you despite the fact that there is some nonsense about my having your email address to my Brother. God knows what that's about but I get the distinct impression there is some disconnect or deception.
Truthfully I don't give a rat's a-- at this point.
I am not about to come up out of the primordial ooze and burst into flames or whatever idiocy is going through anyone's head. I am certainly not coming where I am not welcome either and in fact I have already made peace with the fact that after you read this email you won't want any further contact.
I am not sure if I do either to be perfectly honest.
In case anyone has any misconceptions about my intent let me clarify things. I get it. I am the secret who came into your reality uninvited. I don't want anything more than what I am asking you to do. Tell him the truth.
Brother 1, I fully appreciate I overwhelmed you when I was going through a major crisis. I make no apology for that. It's where I was at the time. You were the first to pull away. That's your choice. You were extremely generous and I thank you for that. It meant a lot.
Brother 2 you are very protective and I can respect that. It meant a lot that you called me and that you said "if you want to come and hang out to come". But it would have been so strained it wasn't possible.
All the silliness about not calling brother 2 when you sounded like you were overwhelmed (mother) and not telling brother 1 that you sent the video of my father's birthday simply causes me to scratch my head and wonder about why there is all this secrecy when we are all adults. It makes me crazy and I am not going to engage in that crap.
No one is an imbecile and everyone has a mouth in their heads to say what they want to say. If Brother 1 doesn't want to keep in contact I am certainly not going to chase him. Having had his email all this time proves that doesn't it?
Just so we all get this straight. My gut told me to get in the car when you told me a week after my father went in the hospital about how serious the situation was but I listened to what you told me to do against my better judgement to be polite. I have to live with that.
Then you told me to write a card. Write a g-----n card like I'm an acquaintance. I found that so ludicrous I was stunned. Imagine if someone told any one of you that. If any of you could tell me what the h--l to write or where to find a card that would express how my world shifted I'm open to hearing it.
I felt about as welcome to call as a leper. Maybe that's my issue and not one of you has any role in it. You can decide for yourselves.
I haven't heard from my (favourite aunt) in two months.
If you want to blame me for putting it all out there in the open go for it. I'll be the bad guy if it helps. I am not going to tip toe around here. I don't know what all the paranoia and fear is about but I am certainly not going to play the game.
I lived 40 years in limbo and I will live however long with or without you.
Maybe the lack of contact should have given me the answer but I thought I would give this one final chance. If I don't hear from any of you I have my answer.
Thanks for letting me in for as long as you did. I appreciate that. I hope you all take care of each other. Tell my Dad I love him. That's all I ask.
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It's been a month or so and I have heard nothing. I have not heard from my Aunt who I had been in pretty close contact with in about the same amount of time.
I sent an email to my other Aunt and a cousin and have heard nothing.
I think the wagons are circled and I have been declared "Public enemy number one".
Either that or no one has a clue what to say. Either way it all seems like a book I once read. Worth reading but the story is too familiar to read again yet.
The whole thing is slipping away like the sun on the horizon after a long day at the beach. Felt good while it lasted but inevitable I suppose. It will rise again but for now there is a peace I haven't had in awhile and I look forward to the rest.
A similiar thing happend to me. I put my feelings and the truth all on the table, without sugar coating anything and got absolutely no response. It's a hard thing to swallow but their silence speaks much more than any words they could say.
I can tell you that in time the hurt and the anger start to slip away and you work your way towards forgiveness and understanding and a huge life lesson learned.
In the mean time try and keep busy with other things. Dedicate a couple minutes each day to think about and vent about your feelings regarding it all. Or if music helps then use that. It's a process of forgiveness and letting go.
The forgiveness isn't for them. They don't deserve it, but you do. Anger and hurt eat at you and it's just not healthy to hold onto.
I'm sorry they have treated you this way. It's not right or fair. You've done all you can though. Like you said you lived 40 years without them, find a way to rediscover yourself in a way that doesn't include them. If they ever do decide to reach out to you decide then how much contact you want and take things slow. ((HUGS))
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The anger is subsiding and the hurt is there but not as bad as it was. I agree part of letting go is forgiving and you are right it helps the person who forgives because frankly I don't think they believe they have done anything wrong.
I believe in my birthmother's mind she was "generous" allowing me any contact at all. I know my father once said "you don't owe us anything and you don't owe your adopted mother anything either". He was open about his guilt and humbled himself. The reason he said that about my adopted mother was in his mind she was pretty vicious about my needing to find them.
My brothers are a puzzle. For two adults I am surprised. I respect the fact that they are loyal to their mother but on the other hand I wonder why they can't see outside her perspective. I guess I challenged her in some way and they see me as a threat to her peace of mind.
I'm not sure. That stings but I understand where they are coming from. Some people believe we should leave sleeping dogs lie and not disturb the status quo. I've heard that more than once from removed observers. Certainly the law seems to have shifted to be more inclusive of the rights of an adoptee but it's taken long enough.
You can't legislate acceptance simple as that. We have the right to search and receive information but no one can legislate how we will be treated.
Thank you. I wish things were different but I am not sorry I took the chance, met them and found out what I needed to know.
There are no guarantees in life; there are opportunities that come our way. I made the most of the one that came my way and I don't regret it.
Along the way I've learned to appreciate what life has to offer and to not begrudge what others choose to do. We made a connection and I'm sure there are many others who wish they had the opportunity to meet both their parents.
Life has a way of teaching us what we need to know. Home is where I am. That's what I've learned; to find comfort from the people I have the privilege of knowing and who want to be part of my life.
So true what you say Murphy - I look around at all the hate and barbs thrown out just to spite others and it just makes me sad. Just spent some time on a religious forum that was so filled with hate that it made me catch my breath...much rather spend my time with people who are open to respecting others and allowing contrasting opinions. D
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Yeah it seems the louder people are about their "religion" the more you wonder what's in it for them.
In my mind there are many ways to experience God but I don't believe there is any need to demand people listen to one way or the other as being the only way.
All I know for sure is that judging other people without looking at your own faults doesn't sound very "holy" to me. We are human and prone to fail, make mistakes and inadvertently cause some hurt. It's important to realize that we need to forgive ourselves before we can forgive anyone else.
I am not sure about why it's so distasteful to listen to people pontificate about how they know so much more than the other person about God but it's got a stench to it that makes me want to run in the opposite direction.
I was so excited when I saw there was some more action on this thread...was hoping for the best you see.
I just want to bang their heads together. Its just craziness. What a mixed up world. I guess being an optimist I still feel you may get a response...I hope it isn't just wishful thinking. Aren't we all so different. Hang in there girl.
I think we are the same vintage murphy...October 1956? Do I remember correctly???
So thinking of your feelings.
Susie
Skipping my long story, I have a bio nephew (I thought he was my bio son for 26 years), and the only time I ever hear from him is when he needs money. The first time he needed gas money, then he needed bail money to get out of jail. I sure do wonder if my years long search for him was worth it, it sure did pay off for him.
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