Advertisements
Hi all,
It's been a while since I've been on this board.
A bit of background...
Husband and I have been ttc off and on for 8 years. We've done pills, surgeries, shots, everything up to IVF.
Last summer, husband and I began exploring adoption. Domestic infant adoption is what we want, as first time parents. We were excited...FINALLY something within our control! We could become parents! We chose an agency, went to an information session, and then went so far as to put down a deposit on a homestudy. I'm a researcher, and as you guys know, it's impossible to research an adoption agency. We did the best we could, but I still began to worry that the one we chose had bigger problems than I knew.
The more I read (about adoption in general as well as the agency) the more I worried. The more husband read, the more he worried. Especially after reading a story from a very nice poster on this board about how their adoption, after having their baby for several months, fell through.
We live comfortably, but we can't afford to do this more than once. What if we spend a ton of money and the adoption falls through? What if the birth parents don't get along with us long term? You guys know all these fears, and I'm sure you've all experienced them.
Last summer we decided it wasn't the right time for us to get started on an adoption. I was too frightened, thinking of giving our heart to a little one for months and then seeing them disappear. We cancelled our home study and went for three more rounds of fertility treatments, because they felt safer.
But now? Our insurance coverage has run out, and we're at the crossroads again.
We can afford IVF... once, or MAYBE twice if we're lucky, with no guarantees it would work.
Or, we can afford domestic infant adoption... once.
We've wanted to be parents for a very long and trying time. I've come to realize that there are no guarantees in this or any other way we go about becoming parents.
So, I guess this is my reason for posting here.
I don't care WHERE my baby comes from. Honestly, I don't. It could be purple and green and I'd be ecstatic. I'm just trying to protect what's left of my battered heart. I know nobody can tell me whether adoption is the right choice for my family. But I'd love to hear hopeful stories. There is so much negativity floating around about adoption... Unethical agencies, scams, parents (both B and A) who've been harmed irrevocably. It's easier to find honest negative reviews than it is positive.
So if you have advice or a story to share, I'd love to hear it. We are leaning heavily toward adoption again, but I need more information before I can commit wholeheartedly. And if you have any money-saving tips when it comes to this venture, I'm all ears. We're located in NC, and looking for adoption professionals too. So PM with those, if you know and are willing to share.
Thanks to all for listening, and for any advice you may give.
Like
Share
We are just starting our adoption journey. I have found that researching agencies takes a lot of time. A few things I am doing for each agency we are considering: Contact the state board that oversees adoption to make sure they are fully licensed, contact BBB to make sure there are no complaints about business practices, contact as many adoptive parents and birth parents as I can find that used the agency, finding people who had failed matches through the agency, etc. I have also found that I like the idea of limited financial risk programs. One agency that we like so far has this feature. This means if we have a failed match, we will not lose most of the money we have paid. We have opted to go through an agency. An agency should be able to notice red flags that could indicate problems quicker than we would be. I like the idea of having an agency help us along this journey.
Advertisements
I agree with the suggestion above to contact the state licensing body (ask about any complaints they have received as well as about the status of the license). Actually call the references the agency gives - yes, they will only ask folks who had good experiences, but if you ask them about things that are important to you, you can find out something. The agency I used also had a birth mother reference, so I called her, too, because I wanted that perspective.I used an agency that had a "flat fee" structure, in which they paid any expenses and the fee was a set amount no matter what, and would roll over to another match if one did not work out. Those agencies do tend to be on the more expensive end, but without the risk of losing large amounts of expenses if an emom chooses to parent.I did not go through fertility stuff, but I will say that adoption puts you through the emotional ringer regardless. There were days that I saw absolutely no hope. I was thinking about this recently because of Mother's Day. Two years ago I was at my absolute lowest; I had just been asked if I wanted to be shown for another match, and I said yes but for the first time was absolutely convinced that I would not be chosen - not even a glimmer of hope. That little boy is now sleeping upstairs. Everytime I say or think about that I still just about start crying, but it does happen. And in terms of other fears - one of the few things I think is pretty certain in adoption is that things will not be what you think. I had hoped for a fully open adoption, but my son's bparents didn't want that; I keep offering more contact, but I never hear back. Our situation is about as ideal as it can get except for that, but all situations are what they are. I still fear for the future, but I try not to worry about it so much.