Advertisements
Advertisements
So a few things, my husband and I have decided to completely forgo any more infertility treatments, my heart is no longer holding onto a genetic link with subsequent children. Our beautiful daughter, now 5.5, is quirky and a little kooky and we love her to pieces but no longer need in our hearts that DNA link to another child. Perhaps because we have one child already that came from us is helping me move past all of this secondary infertility "stuff".
My husband is slated for discharge at the end of his enlistment in the military in 2015 so we will begin our process then for adoption (we don't know if we are staying here in the state we are currently at and/or what the job market will be at that point so we don't want to begin something and not be able to finish it for whatever reason).
I do plan on having some counseling before we begin our application process, and we haven't even decided domestic or international yet. I don't know what I should be looking for counselor wise. I have had counseling before in the past for various things, but never this. My insurance covers the whole wide range of specialties from Marriage and Family to specific issues/specialties. What questions should I ask the counselor the first session? On the phone before I go to the session?
As someone who co founded an infertility support group I can say that the grief of infertility is unchanged whether you never saw a positive pregnancy test, never carried a child to term, or secondary infertility. It is the pain of having a whole in your heart, a dream or goal crushed - without control. Please forgive me but I don't like how you responded to "having one helps us deal" - that is a rationalization method. Adoption should never be taken on as a last resort of sorts. I can tell you that when I look at my DD, there is no way I could love her more than if I had given birth to her. Going through adoption means you have taken the miracle of life from another woman.
If I was looking for a counselor I would look for one that has dealt with infertility and grief on an extended basis. Work on BEING a mother not BECOMING a mother. When that works out then you step back and look at what your heart is telling you to do. Baby steps. I wish you the best- I spent many years in different phases. Let each one take its course
Advertisements
Okay 1: tone and intention doesn't necessarily come across properly on the internet.
2. when I said that it makes it easier to deal, all I mean was that we have gone through the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. We know those amazing and sometimes trying moments. We haven't fully lost that experience and while the grief is grief there is something for us and for our marriage/relationship that having one child makes the loss of another biological child easier--whether you like that or not.
I wish you the best in your counseling. Apparently my discussion struck a nerve but I believe once that you find what you are looking through the terms of a counselor you will understand what my words mean. Regardless of tone and intention on the internet, words are words. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and how they express them - the best part of a forum such as this, in addition to finding people who help you get pointed in the right direction and so on, so forth. Good luck in your adoption process
eagleswings216
Just FYI, my response comes from the place of being a counselor, as well as someone who has been through infertility and then adoption.
As far as what to look for in a counselor, I would definitely look for someone who understands the grief process. If you can find someone who has some understanding of adoption and infertility specifically, that would be good. But a good counselor with a real grasp on grief and loss should be able to help you even without understanding adoption.
As far as rationalizing, etc. Grief is a really individualized process for everyone, especially when it comes to infertility. There is no one right or wrong way to grieve the loss of having another biological child. It sounds like part of your working through that is focusing on the positives of what you have had with having one biological child.
On some level, your feelings about infertility may never be TOTALLY be gone, but that is okay, too. Grief is a process, sometimes life long, so don't expect to "get over it", but to learn to deal with it in a healthy manner if, or when, things resurface throughout your life.
Thank you. I am an MFT grad myself (well will be in a few weeks lol). Am I sad that another child won't get to hear the story of her birth (it's one of my daughter's favorite things to hear about--how she was stubborn and didn't want to come out after almost 2 days. How I threw up on daddy when I got my epidural. Things like that). But an adopted child would have stories about how we looked for them, and chose to have them join our family. And depending on the kind of adoption, esp. infant domestic adoption we might still have birth stories.
Honestly I was working towards grief resolution personally 2 years ago and now we are stepping up to work on it together for our marriage before we move forward. I found a great therapist here who works directly with new families (either through birth, stepfamilies, adoption), infertility and grief work.
I just wanted to chime in, that birth stories do not a family make.
I don't know the story of my birth but I do know how my mom and dad got the call for me and had to rush around and buy all their baby equipment because they didn't think they would get placed so quickly. I know about how my grandparents were on their home from Arizona and stopped in North Platte Nebraska and Gramma bought me 26 brand new dresses they were so excited.
I will also tell you that even with open adoption you may not know the story of your child's birth. I placed my only child into an open adoption 9 years ago. His parents were not there for his birth, because I don't believe in pre birth matching and I have kept the story of that night to myself. I will tell him when he asks me and it has always been clear that he can ask at any time, I have chosen not to share with his adoptive parents though, because it is not their story. Kiddo and I have that time together, just his birth, because he was moved to a nearby hospital shortly after and I didn't have the money to travel to see him. I don't have much that is just ours and I won't give up that one thing.
I'm not trying to rain on your parade with that story. I just know that what some mothers are willing to share is very different from what others are willing to share.
Advertisements
belleinblue1978
I just wanted to chime in, that birth stories do not a family make.
I don't know the story of my birth but I do know how my mom and dad got the call for me and had to rush around and buy all their baby equipment because they didn't think they would get placed so quickly. I know about how my grandparents were on their home from Arizona and stopped in North Platte Nebraska and Gramma bought me 26 brand new dresses they were so excited.
I will also tell you that even with open adoption you may not know the story of your child's birth. I placed my only child into an open adoption 9 years ago. His parents were not there for his birth, because I don't believe in pre birth matching and I have kept the story of that night to myself. I will tell him when he asks me and it has always been clear that he can ask at any time, I have chosen not to share with his adoptive parents though, because it is not their story. Kiddo and I have that time together, just his birth, because he was moved to a nearby hospital shortly after and I didn't have the money to travel to see him. I don't have much that is just ours and I won't give up that one thing.
I'm not trying to rain on your parade with that story. I just know that what some mothers are willing to share is very different from what others are willing to share.
Thanks for being honest. My little one is only 5.5 so I think it's the age right now, that she loves hearing about all the silly things that happened that day. That's true too about the first family's level of comfort in sharing.
Jillianh
Thanks for posting. I just wanted to say that we are in a similar boat. We had secondary infertility issues and are now considering domestic adoption as a viable option to grow our family. Good luck to you!
Kilephil
Jillianh
Thanks for posting. I just wanted to say that we are in a similar boat. We had secondary infertility issues and are now considering domestic adoption as a viable option to grow our family. Good luck to you!
Where are you located? We have an amazing therapist helping us work through the issues we are dealing with and the grief.