How do you get past it?

Although I don't know how it will affect my kids I have now, I do know they need a mom fully present in their lives. I am trying to make myself able to move on from everything. I have distanced myself from my family and honestly don't have much of a support system in place. I do know/believe I will be in pain either way. I'm only trying to do what is right for this child. I know it will sound horrible but I live in fear of having to look at this child's face and see the face of the man who has hurt me so deeply, and as a result lack the love it deserves. This is the hardest decision I have ever been faced with. I value your response as I can view it as unbiased, something I can't do listening to people I know.

I completely understand your fear about the child looking like his bio father. I was shocked when I saw my son's picture on fb. He was 19 years old when we reconnected. He is the spitting image of his bio father. It literally knocked the breath right out of me. I was soooo mad that after everything I had went through and suffered for him that he looked like the pitiful excuse for a human being that was his bio father. The man who told me he loved me more than life itself, would always be there for me, blah, blah, blah. The man who denied my baby was his and accused me of being a whore who had no idea who the "real father" was when I got pregnant. The man who put his hands on me when I would not go away. The man who went on to have 5 more children with 3 other women and abandoned all those children too while I was never able to have anymore biological children. Oh yeah, I was pi$$ed. However, I worked through all of that and as I have developed a relationship with my son, I don't see his bio father in him anymore. I only see him. He's my son and I love him more than words can express. What if your baby looks like you, or your favorite aunt, or your middle child. Even if the child does look like it's bio father, I think that if you see him/her as a cute, adorable, innocent baby and develop a relationship with him/her, then who he/she looks like will not be an issue. Consider doing this, don't contact an agency until after the baby is born. Spend time with the baby and get to know him/her. After the baby is born, if you can't make a connection and you still feel like adoption is the best option THEN contact an agency and pick a good family for him/her. I know of a few moms who waited a few weeks or months before they made an adoption plan for their children. Hopefully some of them will see this thread and chime in later.

You're words/story brings tears to my eyes. I'm so glad I've found this site. I recently had a 4D u/s and when the tech got a pic of its face (which was totally unexpected), there was the face of the bio dad. It took all that I had not to cry there on the spot. I have a lot to overcome, and I know that. I'm just looking for the strength.

The only recommendation I have for you is to try to find a support group. Even if your not religious or spiritual, I would recommend trying to find a support group as a lot of churches have them. You could meet other people who are going through the same thing or have gone through. I know sometimes there is nothing better then getting that reassuring hug from someone who has been there. I just want to let you know that I am praying for you and your family. Time and God can do amazing things.

oh please trying everything to keep your child. Adoption is permanent and so is the pain.

I believe you have the strength that you need to get through this. You're just going through a crisis right now and your hormones are making you an emotional mess. I've been there. I understand. So, you already know that "little peanut" looks like bio dad. As I said before, I can understand why that tears you up. However, it's not "peanut's" fault. He/she just rolled a bad pair of dice on the day his/her DNA was building it's face. Here's the thing, if he/she gets the chance to be raised by you then he/she will have your youngest child's laugh, will have the same twinkle in it's eye as your middle child, and will think farting is funny just like your oldest son. Since I was never able to have more bio children, I adopted my second child. I got him at birth and he is 4 yrs old now. He's not even the same race as me yet people who don't know he's adopted comment all the time about how much he looks like me. He talks like me, has alot of the same mannerisms that I do, laughs like me, etc. I know so many adoptive parents whose kids look like them. It's uncanny. So, I really think that if you give yourself a little bit of time to form a realationship with "little peanut" that you will fall in love with him/her and it won't matter to you who he/she looks like anymore.

I have to agree with Gwen. I am not fond of my son's father. He turned out to be a pretty miserable guy. My son is like me though. I placed my Kiddo to protect him and that hasn't made the anguish I have felt over the last nine years any less. Like Gwen I have not been able to have more children and it has been a devastating loss for me. I am also adopted and the youngest of six children. We are all full siblings and I am the only one that was placed. It took me a pretty long time to get over being mad at my mother. I'm not anymore, but I'm also 35 and have some life experience under my belt. If you do go through with the adoption, I would expect a possible period of anger and "hate". I think it is pretty inevitable.

It feels like an impossible situation. I want to keep it, but I don't. I don't want to care, but I do. I want to do what is right for the child, but I don't have a clear answer. I have to admit that I was once the person that judged others for so easily giving away a child. I now know what challenges they faced and I couldn't have been more wrong. With every day that passes I am one day closer to delivery and time is dwindling down, and I'm still so torn.

Hey I'm not one who has been through adoption personally but i do have siblings who have. I personally would look for an adoptive family who is open to having contact with you so you can let the child know that what you did was for their benefit. Clear and open communication is key. While some adoptive parents may want no contact for the child, I feel that it is an important part in the child's development of personal relationships that the child have some contact with some biological family if possible. If it's not possible due to drugs or abuse or whatever that's one thing but if you choose to give this child the chance at a new life I think that's a huge and great decision to make and that you are more of a person for realizing that that is what's best for the child. I personally would want to be able to have contact. Not to make the rules, but so that the child, boy or girl, knows her roots and knows and understands why certain decisions were made. It's so so so important to kids to understand why they ended up were they did. Make sure you find parents who respect the fact that your child will eventually want to know you, but also acknowledge that you will not have a say in certain things. I think that would be the hardest part. It seems to me like you are making a hard but well thought out decision. Just make sure you understand what you are giving up to the adoptive parents and respect that. And you will be fine.

I would like to add that no matter what a prospective adoptive parents says before the adoption about openness, you have no legal rights after the adoption takes place in most states and even in the ones you do, it is difficult for a first parent to get things changed. OA is NOT a panacea for all of this, it just really isn't. Yep you get to see your child grow up and that is great, but you get to see your child grow up without and you and call someone else mom and other children brother and sister and that hurts really badly. I think if MUST choose adoption, OA is the only way to go, but it isn't going to fix everything. I have a feeling that no matter what I tell my son he is still going to feel abandoned.

I'm sorry, but anyone that I know anyway, that has placed a child for adoption is never "fine" ever again. The first moms I know for the most part have very successful lives, but that doesn't mean we are fine with the hold adoption has created in our lives. Unless you are a first parent, and I do realize you have adoption loss in your life, but it is different loss, don't tell women considering adoption they will be fine, because it simply isn't the truth for many of us.

I'm with Belle here!!!!!

Ditto! Just wanted to add that after my 20 year marriage ended I had an easier time getting my life back than after adoption I'm still not fine I'm still not past it! I had open adoption over 28 years ago and still I have problems with the whole thing.

I know how much pain you are in right now. But don't feel bad about yourself because it is not your fault. You are doing what yo had to do.

I came across your post and just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you I pray you will find the peace and strength to make the best decision for yourself and all involved. I am not a birthmother but I am an adoptive mommy with a one year old and not a day goes by that my daughters birthmother is not in my heart. I think for most birthparents and adoptive parents it is an emotional journey and connection that stays with you forever. I know for myself I will never be the same. Im sorry I dont have advice but I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you and I hope that you find a support system no matter your decision.