emotions re: TPR

It was surprising to me the first time I witnessed a TPR how incredibly emotional it was for me. Something about how we just accept the family is a sacrosanct unit, intended to be together and we really never question that in regular life, but the judge has the power to destroy the family with just a few words and a piece of paper and then make a new family nearly as easily. It is incredibly hard to meld that in to the way your brain has been trained since the day you were born. For me the pain was fairly quickly resolved and then it turned to awe that a judge can also MAKE a new family just by saying it was so. For me it was a scary revelation that things that we believe to be firmly true are sometimes only true because we have said they were for so long that it became the truth.

DH and I had this conversation recently. I really feel bad for one bio because we know she loves her son but she just is not capable of being a parent. I think you have a heart and you know what she is going to miss out on and that is sad. Think about the life LO would have had with her compared to the life LO will have.

Yes, it is really very emotional! In our AD's case, I attended the goodbye visit and *I* left bawling at the end. It was SO heart breaking...and in our AS's case...I didn't attend, and his mother was more hostile, but it did not matter. The bottom line is that parenthood is sacred...and this is *not* how it is supposed to be. And, as you said, even though I had been their momma from day one...it still was very sad that it had to go that way...I wrote the following the day my son's mother said goodbye to her three oldest...I totally get it.~~~~~~~~I really cannot get my head around all that has happened in the last year...I have never experienced such a storm of conflicting emotions for such an extended period of time. And today...the culmination of all of that...standing over my sons crib...watching him sleep, exhausted after his final visit with his first mother...and my heart aches...it aches in a way I cannot fully describe...longing...I can almost *feel* her longing...and I know I feel mine. My longings are wrapped up in dreams and fears...God has trusted us with SO much...far more than we can possibly handle on our own. It is terrifying, really. I long for life on the other side of all of this, where mothers never say goodbye...and the enemy is never allowed a foothold in the life of any child. Not her, not them...he is defeated, yet, here...he still wreaks havoc. I feel such sadness...no one goes into this hoping a mother will have to say goodbye to her children. No one. It is SO much more complex than that...your heart and mind are torn to shreds, hearing the descriptions of abuse, witnessing the damage done by drugs...and then hearing her voice, as she cries out that she just wants her babies back...feeling her pain at facing the holidays all alone...understanding that addiction is a terrible, painful, dark, desolate place...and no human is strong enough to get out of that place alone...knowing she was hurt terribly as a child, wishing it had not been so...but, also understanding that her children cannot be left to go down in the flames with her. And, here I stand...staring down at my little boy...my dream come true...on the day of her worst nightmare...and I really cannot take it all in...can I honestly say I hoped she would get them back? No. Yet, there is no one who could accuse me of wishing her to lose them... that choice was made long before my phone ever rang...before I knew there was a tiny Angel at the local hospital, waiting... struggling...suffering from withdrawals. What a bizarre dream come true nightmare this has all been. And, now we hold our sweet little boy in our arms and we walk out into that big scary future...hand in hand...praying for wisdom...knowing he will face pain and confusion...and still...I wonder, when will I really feel it? Will I ever *just* feel the joy? Will I ever again, feel just *one* thing...or will I always feel two? My heart swells...and then breaks. She said goodbye today.

Beautifully put! I can't talk about emotions after a TPR as we have not been there yet- but I do have empathy for the parents of the baby girls we have fostered! I remember feeling very sad for Squeaks mom when we were in the hospital...wondering where she was and *knowing* she was thinking about Squeaks and wondering how she was doing. It was such an odd thing because the nursing staff at the NICU treated us wonderfully- like we were the parents of this amazing newborn girl. It was easy to forget that was not the case yet... until I saw the filled out request for newborn pictures by the hospital photographer that bio mom had completed. She intended to have them done...maybe it was denial or something...but she wanted those pictures. So I insisted we had them made- had to get the staff to call the SW to make sure it was okay. She had a few clothes that had been left at the hospital and in them was a pretty yellow knit cap- I put it on Squeaks even with the new baby outfit we bought in case it was something meaningful. After all of the heartbreak of losing Squeaks to her GP's- they were so grateful for those pictures and I hope her bio mom is happy to have them too. I felt really good about making sure we did that... And with Daisy- I feel great sadness for her mom as well. I know more than I probably should about the case, thanks to a chatty SW and other crazy circumstances... and I can't say I hope Daisy goes back to mom knowing what I know. Still...part of me thinks Daisy was the only *good* thing in bio-mom's life and I can't imagine the devastation she will feel if the case goes to TPR. There is no light without darkness in this world...and you can't escape the fact that adoption comes from a place of loss. The miracle is that is also comes from a place of profound hope and love. I think your feelings show you are a caring human being who doesn't want to see someone else suffer. I would imagine there is sometimes some guilt involved for adoptive parents too...but as a PP said think about your child and how blessed he is to have a chance at a safe, healthy life. And know that sometimes great loss is preparing someone for something else. This may be the event that saves his mother's life...I know it is hard for long time drug users to get help but sometimes a tragic life event is what pushes them to the point of change.

We has humans are built for empathy & compassion...it's not bad you are sad that they are terminating on BM. Our DD's BM I really liked, we got along well and I was very supportive of RU. When they TPR'd her, it was just me, the 2 attorneys, the CW, & the judge in the room. They TPR'd her and I cried and cried. The CW cried too. This person who wasn't able to be a parent gave birth to this kid that I love with my whole heart. I couldn't love her and be glad that the person who gave her life was suffering. I think a lot of FPs are surprised that they find TPR emotional, sad, conflicting, and not just a joyous occasion.

I too felt sorrow for the bio parents of my adopted sibling set. While my feelings fluctuated from relief, to sorrow for them, to thankfulness that the kids could stay and have a solid, healthy, loving upbringing, I never once felt happiness or joy in the TPR. I thought TPR day would feel like a celebration or a victory when it finally happened but it actually made me feel quite somber.

That's more like our case. It was so hard for me. I also agree with pp that I thought I would feel joy or at least relief. But it didn't happen.

This whole process of fostering is a crazy mix of emotions, just make sure you experience all of them. Let them out, what ever your feeling and acknowledge them. We just have to do the best we can and keep truckin. I don't have a magic word that will help you get over the emotions but just hang in there. Let yourself feel these emotions and know that your family is your major concern. I wish you all the best! ~hugs~

I found myself feeling great sorrow for Cuddlebug's mother yesterday. It came out of nowhere, and ya'll know-I'm not really one to give these bios much slack.This case just started, and I know that not many people expect she will get to RU already, but regardless of what happens later.........I was so sad she was missing NOW. That magic time with a new baby, the smell of him, the tiny little sounds he makes when he's content......this morning, he discovered Lionel Ritchie (who was on the Today Show).......he turned his head toward the TV to listen......and liked it-you can tell.All those little moments that she is missing out on because of drugs and a bunch of bad, bad choices.It made me incredibly sad for her.Surprised the heck outta me for sure.I can now see how if TPR does happen, I will cry for her.