Another Poll- TPR vs Relinquishment

That sickens me. Giving up her own child, her own flesh and blood, over a man who will probably walk away from her at some point. Sounds like they share the same addiction. It's too bad he ever got mixed up with her after his release. Maybe she would have done alright.

Our case is a kinship placement/adoption and my boyfriend's sister and baby daddy eventually voluntarily relinquished despite having previously been ADAMANTLY against it in the past (unknown how much of their plan they ever worked, but not much effort). HOWEVER, based on what the adoption and case workers were saying, they seem to very frequently heavily pressure parents in likely TPR situations to voluntarily relinquish in exchange for some form of an OA. I mean, like my mother in law said the whole group of them sat outside the court room for HOURS while all the CW and lawyers tried to convince bios that they would never stand a chance of getting him back (despite being clean for an extended time (due to jail/court-ordered lockdown rehab)). I can only say knowing my boyfriend's sister and nephew's father, that I was literally shocked to the point of having to sit down that they had agreed to relinquish. I expected a fight to TPR (though maybe not an appeal afterwords). I can't imagine what the lawyers and SW must have said to finally convince them. I heard that that once my boyfriend's sister finally agreed (when her mother literally was holding a picture of her son and telling her she was doing the best thing for him by signing) they all just hounded in on the father like, "who is going to drive him to school? how are you going to feed him" and on and on for hours until he agreed too. Now, do I think it is best for nephew that his parents relinquished and didn't have to go through a TPR trial and multiple appeals? Yes. So do his grandparents, other family members, and possibly deep down, even his parents. I hate his parents. Having him come to live with us and seeing the damage they have done and misery they put him through even now when he misses them so much makes me hate them even more every day. However. I do not like some of the methods the SW used to try and press them into relinquishing. Again, I was not there, and everything is second hand from my mother in law. I just wanted to give you an example of how parents who were definitely not just "going through the formalities" and were very opposed to adoption ended up in the "voluntarily relinquishment" column on this poll.

Wow thanks for the details. That is a sad situation but I am glad your boyfriend and you have his nephew safe and in your protection. That is interesting and I've wondered about the pressure I've read about in other cases to relinquish for an OA. Since we don't have that in my state I am not sure that is ever a big issue here- though I have it from a judge who taught one of our classes on foster parent's role in court that sometimes here in KY they will still mediate and encourage the parents in cases that seem destined for TPR to try to preserve some contact with their kids by meeting with the would-be adoptive parents and agreeing to some sort of contact- even just picture or email updates. But even if they do- it is not legally binding. I don't think anyone should be pressured to give up their kids- but I do think all of the facts should be presented to the bios and if they can't get clean and show a changed life-style that means they can safely parent that TPR should happen sooner rather than later. I think so many of these bios are given too many chances when they have proven track records of abuse and neglect.

We had one TPR (no bio dad identified) with what we thought would be OA with extended family but they changed their minds about contact at the last minute, and one relinquishment where the bios "tried" for 9 months and gave up. They "tried" in that they actually called the hospital several times after he was born to say they were coming to visit, but they never showed (he was in NICU for 5 weeks). Then he went into a foster home and I don't think they ever did more than one or two visits at most. Definitely no openness in this one now. We had another FK who went to live in a preadoptive placement with his sibs; that case is going to TPR, mom has been involved with the kids but not working her plan at all otherwise and is fighting tooth and nail to get them moved back to their kinship placement (not going to happen).Our first placement, the kids are probably never going to live with mom, they were removed from grandma's house for neglect, mom is an addict, and although she was trying to work her plan, it's been over a year and she's still using. The kids got moved to one family member and have recently been moved to a different family member. She will most likely be TPRed and when she runs out of family members, they will likely have to go to a nonrelative adoptive home; I have no idea what the alternative is for them.

I'm headed to adoption with my little one. Her mom relinquished with a specific consent. She signed papers for ME to adopt - not just to release her for adoption. I had met with mom a couple of times and she felt comfortable with her daughter in my care. she told me that she had things that she needed to figure out in her life that she didn't want to put Miss A in the middle of and she didn't want her to be caught up in the system. She asked me to adopt. It took her about 6 months to get around to signing the specific consents (she vanished for a while), but it's done now! Had she not relinquished, the case would probably be headed to TPR anyway because of lack of any attempt at her plan.

Our ds' bios relinquished. Mom thought she was preggo. In that county, it was common to take remove newborns if sibs were already in care and parents were not close to RU. She ended up losing the baby in 1st trimester while incarcerated. We did have a good relationship with them while he was in care and I think that contributed to their decision. We do have a very OA. They can now reflect on their youth and have discussed with our son that they weren't ready to parent yet.

We mediated voluntary TPR the morning of the trial. T only agreed when it became clear there was no way she would win

We have had three of four bios relinquish after a year, two weeks before the TPR trial where they would have lost their rights. The one who did not relinquish was never anywhere near enough to relinquish. Of those three, two visited off and on for the full year, and the other was MIA for almost the entire time. Those who visited did not complete any other part of their service plans or stay clean. The MIA mom relinquished when they held an emergency hearing at a rare moment when they could find her (in jail) and could have her brought to the courthouse without a choice. I do not think any of them had any plans or desire to relinquish. I think their lawyers finally convinced them that TPR was a certain outcome in a couple weeks' time. Sign now and lose them or don't sign and lose them. By then it was too late to fight. Now, we haven't actually gotten to the adoption part of these cases, so my statistics don't fully count, yet. We finalize one on Tuesday and are still crossing our fingers on the other two. As it stands now, we could finalize in a couple months without an issue or we could have to intervene if they can't rule out all of the last-minute relatives that were suggested by the parents. Who knows what will happen then.

Well, until recently, I would have had to say all of our adoptions were relinquishments! But, MM's mom was TPR'd and still in appeals nearly two years post TPR! But, more on that later...The two relinquishments looked very different. In our AD's case, her mom...she was so sweet, she breaks my heart. Her life is a perfect example of what abuse can do to a person. She LOVES her daughter...but, she finally got to the point where she admitted that she could not care for her(and it only took five months for that to happen...of course, SweetPea is not her first child in the system...she is #7). The goodbye visit was excruciating...she was very brave. And, I have yet to remember her face and her voice when she kissed my little girl on the top of the head and said "Goodbye Sweetheart" and walked out...without crying(yup...crying right now). Sigh...In our AS's case, his mom FOUGHT hard...not to say she worked her plan, she didn't...but, she was very vocal and *no one* believed she would relinquish...in the end, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would terminate on her that coming Monday(meeting was on Thursday) and she had just given birth to SB's little brother, whom the judge let her take home(to a recovery house). I actually read in case notes that there was a point, after the fact, that she complained to the caseworker that the judge was IN the room when she relinquished...and had told her there was NO WAY he would let her keep her kids in a trial. Really, what choice did she have? She was between a loss....and a loss. Now, on MM. I have heard everyone say mom is insane...literally. After reading WHY he is in care...what happened to him(in an ISSP)...I would have to agree(not that it matters whether I do or not). Of course, in this case, TPR is a done deal...we are just waiting on the final level of the appellate courts to repeat the previous determinations. TPR has already been upheld at the first level of appeal. From what I understood his mother was never capable of acknowledging that what happened to MM was abuse...nor would she accept any responsibility for his care...she just did.not.get.it.

With our three oldest sons when they came in to care they lived with dad. Mom was already with another guy and pregnant. Dad visited for a couple months and then moved across the state. Mom had sporadic visits mostly after baby was born and then when the second baby was due and right after he was born. She relinquished with out us even knowing before second baby with this guy was born but still had visits because they didn't take it before judge yet. Several months later dad came back and relinquished and had a good final visit explaining everything to boys. No open adoption there was none in our state at that time. Our youngest son came to us at 4 months old. His older two sisters and brother were already in care in different foster homes. After a couple years oldest sister went home but the rest stayed in care. We were told from beginning he would probably never go home but they didnt fight for TPR because judge wouldn't go for it because they are of limited ability. The kids finally got a cw that started getting stuff ready to TPR and had goal changed to adoption for our son and sister while encouraging parents to relinquish. They finally did in dec 2011- one month before he was in care 9 years. We do have OA with them but only for update and picture once a year.(our state just recently made OA an option). He came to us at 4 months and we finally adopted him 9 days before his 10th birthday. His sister was in care longer and moved quite a few times but was to be adopted to. His brother who was also in care longer and moved a lot was not adopted but his FP were granted guardianship.

Yes- this is a common thing in my county as well. In fact- if they "use" anything to encourage voluntary relinquishment it is that if the bios plan to have any more kids in the state they should consider relinquishment as they will be automatically placed in care if the state goes to TPR. In my situation Daisy has an older sibling but rights were never terminated- just raised by relatives.

[QUOTE=camel]We have had three of four bios relinquish after a year, two weeks before the TPR trial where they would have lost their rights. The one who did not relinquish was never anywhere near enough to relinquish. See! This just pi$$es me off to no end. They wait an entire year, do nothing, drag the kids through confusion and hell and FINALLY at the 11th hour relinquish?! Its like they say to themselves "oh, well..I'm not going to win anyway, so I might as well go out with "grace" and say that I GAVE them my kids". So cowardly and selfish. I wish biomom in our case would toss out the act and see the light and relinquish. Yeah, I said it! :woohoo: I wish she would relinquish! If and when she ever got these boys back they would be living on the street or back to their carseats to live in the back of a car again and get carted around to find the bios next drug fix. Yeah, I'm worked up.

For my three birth mom voluntarily relinquished the morning of the TPR trial. She also thought she might be pregnant so I think that had something to do with her decision. Mom had asked a few weeks prior if I would let her still see the kids if I adopted. OA's are not enforceable in my state but I had offered to sit down and discuss what I was willing to do with mom before the trial. She never took me up on my offer.

Kiddo 1: Bmom walked away from hospital and never visited. Bdad visited for about six months and then realized that he couldn't do it. (He had lost three prior kids.) Then he, too, disappeared. DCF proceeded with a TPR trial and neither BP showed up. TPR was granted in 20 minutes. BUT -- it still took from birth to age 15 months for this to happen. Kiddo 2: BPs visited and did bits of their plan for about a year. But couldn't stay clean and/or out of jail, so DCF changed goal to adoption. Bmom was going to relinquish, but didn't want Bdad to get custody -- so we went through the TPR trial and Bmom testified against Bdad. TPR was successful on both. Bdad appealed, and the appeals went on for 17 months. (Both BPs had lost other children to adoption and relatives.)

Mark another one in the "pushed reqlinquishment in return for hope of OA". I am in a state that has un-enforceable OA, really doesn't even recognize OA. So even though we agreed to one (a very limited and general one), if I decided to refuse it, she wouln't have any recourse after she signed. They pushed her heavily to sign, even the judge herself recommended STBAS bio sign. That obviously was not a good thing for bio to have the judge herself recommend that at pre-trial, so I am sure between CPS and her attorney, they convinced her. Basically , her attorney said they would never see him again until he turned 18 unless they signed an OA. Because she was another one that was adament that she would never give up and never sign etc.