Lied about birth father...

No one but her is raising her child right now. Worrying about what the adoptive parents feel isn't her responsibility. Worrying about her child and what might happen with him or her, is her responsibility. I agree that you wouldn't want a child moved out of their home when they are older, but it should be because you don't want your child hurt, not because you will hurt the feelings of the adoptive parents. Adoption is supposed to be about finding homes for children, not children for homes. Her first concern needs to be her child, not the adoptive parents before the child is even born. She needs to be ethical for her child sake, period, that is who she should be concerned about. Frankly, I don't have much affection for my child's adoptive parents. They have shown time and again that my feelings are unimportant while whining that I don't care about them. My focus is my child, not them. MY CHILD who should be my focus, not making sure that his mom is happy and comfortable and secure in her job as a parent. When you have a pre birth relationship you set that standard early. If she starts taking responsibility for the adoptive parents feelings now, it will only continue. She needs to take responsibility for her CHILD's feelings.

I was instructed to never cry or express any sort of regret in front of my son's mom because it wasn't her problem, while being instructed at the same time to make sure that I empowered him to be his mom. Hmmmmm how much care was shown for me and my loss?

Belle. That stinks and I'm sorry you were treated that way! Of course care and compassion should have been shown for your loss!An expectant mom shouldn't make decisions based on the PAPs. I'm not suggesting that she should. I just think there's a difference between taking responsibility for their feelings (which she shouldn't do) and INTENTIONALLY putting them in a possibly tragic situation.As I said before, a child shouldn't have to be ripped from the only family he/she knows if the truth comes out down the road.I'm not really disagreeing with you at all. I just feel for the possible APs as well. I can't imagine how I would feel if something like that happened with my DD. I wouldn't wish the loss of a child on anyone (not saying you would, just clarifying what I'm saying).

I would not lie about the birthfather. His rights should be considered in this. When I surrendered my daughter 47 years ago, birthfathers were not considered and we were told not to name them. Things have changed.Do not at this point let consideration for the feelings of the hopeful adoptive parents affect your thinking. They are not thinking primarily of you, I am absolutely sure, other than as an incubator for "their" baby. Don't let them intimidate you -- or be present at the birth. That's the only time you may have with your child, and it will be important to you later. Don't share it! And don't close all contact, if you do go through with the adoption. Don't assume you won't want contact. If asked 47 years ago if I wanted contact, even just knowing she was still alive, I would have said no. Then the nightmares of not knowing if she was alive, healthy, etc., would have been avoided.

Could you possibly send the letter (through the agency) at some time in the future? As for lying about the father, does the real father know that you were pregnant? I would be a little concerned that if he knew you were pregnant he could start wondering where the kid was and cause trouble after the birth. If he never knew, then I wouldn't worry about it (assuming that no one who would tell him knows either). In either case, I would weigh the trouble you know he would cause now if you told him vs. the chances he could find out and cause more trouble later. I think only you know him and the situation well enough to make that judgement.

I disagree strongly. Trying to subvert the parental rights of one parent so the other parent can make an adoption plan is wrong. In addition, no one is considering the right of the child here either - imagine finding out at 18 that your mother chose to lie about who your father was so that he had no right to step up to the plate and become a loving father or make a parenting decision that was in your best interests. Even though I am a BSE adoptee it was comforting to find out that he had options to prevent my adoption if he wanted to and that my adoption was done the proper way at the time. Kind regards,Dickons

Fraud is fraud no matter how it is spun. The right thing to do is to come clean and name the father and let the laws of your state work out the situation. It is not fair to anyone involved to be lied to no matter the reason.

he does know I'm pregnant and I haven't heard from him since month 3. So what if he contests...and contest JUST to make a stink, which is the only reason he would do it. Then what? the child goes to foster care?? He has no money, job, etc. I have job, money and I am stable. But I am NOT raising this child. Sorry a lot of you have different opinion about how I will feel about this but if something comes out at the hospital or anytime before this child leaves this state with the couple, I will leave the hospital, sans baby.I guess that will be a lot better for the child then doubtfully have an issue down the road?? I do want to let the parents know, or give them something to tuck away in case I'm not around when the child starts asking, I want the child to know down the road who their real father is.Well, only a few weeks to go and no issues so far : )

Please read Leeah's first post again. No one wants you to parent if you do not want to. My concern is for the child. Name the father on the birth certificate. Tell the birth parents why you didn't want him involved. If his parental rights are dealt with at the beginning, there will be less possibility of drama or even tragedy for your child and the afamily down the road.

There is a real risk that after you relinquish,the bio father would know you had placed and the fight could be very ugly. I know this is what you are trying to avoid, but there have been so many cases of this exact scenario where the father comes into the picture afterward and then they are able to get help from outside groups dedicated to fighting for father's rights, to fight the placement all because they were not informed beforehand. (I'm not saying all bio fathers shouldn't have their children, just explaining to the OP what can happen) If that happened, you and the family you picked would then lose the child to the bio father and/or his family. Legally he has a right to say yes or no to continuing his rights and being involved in any way. Remember that once you relinquish, you have no rights, but he does even if you don't name him as the father. The courts will then not give you any way to have a say in what happens. I don't want to use any kind of scare tactics here, just want to make sure you are aware of the potential future especially because he knows you are pregnant. You need some real legal advice from an attorney as to how to handle this now, so that you have some control over what happens next.

I'm certainly not saying you should parent. I am saying you need to be honest for the sake of your child. If the father wants to parent, that is his choice and you can't take that away from him, no matter how you feel about him. Caddo is right, he has rights whether you name him or not and it could be a mess for your child if he comes forward at a later date. Be honest and name him and then if he wants to assert his rights, you go from there. If you don't, you are depriving your child of a chance to grow up with a parent who wanted him or her. Not very fair to the child.

My father knew my mother was pregnant. She, and the "professionals" decided to LIE and tell him she had a miscarriage so he or his family would not interfere with the adoption. My mother did leave me at the hospital without knowing who I was going to, that's how they did it 50 years ago. It was obviously not about the baby, me, or my father, but all about her. At least she had the guts to name him in the records. Lies rarely work out well for the liar. Open/semi-open adoption shouldn't be about any of the parents, it's for the adopted person. It only becomes about the parents if they care about the child, or as a sales pitch for adoption.

As an adoptive mom I can tell you I faced this issue with my first DD. We jumped through all sorts of hoops to make sure that her adoption couldn't be overturned. Mom refused to name true father. We had to advertise for John Doe and terminate on John Doe plus the guy she named. Only at my assistance because they were happy enough to terminate on the named father and be done. Trust me you don't want the legal battle that comes with a kiddo's adoption being overturned by dad.Plus if dad is as bad as you say he is will he consent to the adoption? You shouldn't have to parent if you truly dont want to and yes regardless of what Belle thinks you should consider the adoptive family because if you do go through with this and this gets over turned you will be destroying a family. You'll tear kids from parents again, from grandparents and siblings and let me tell you that isn't fair to anyone. Especially people who are willing to provide for and love your sweet little one. Either way I wish you the best of luck and your method although extremely dangerous for all involved can be done it's a rocky road to take. Perhaps dad would consent? My 2nd daughters father did. But I wanted him to have the option to parent for my daughters sake!Best of luck to you & your little one!

Wrking21 It is irrelevant now because unless she is several weeks overdue - she has had the baby, and it is a done deal whatever she decided. I do wonder though why you needed to include Belle's thoughts in that which were based on the "here and now before she gave birth" when she should not be concerned about PAPS, and only about child and what is in her child's best interest. and clarified again... Dickons

Dickons it's not irrelevant. If she lives in a state where you have to live with the child for a certain amount of time before finalizing the adoption that info is still very relevant. Secondly she may not be the only person contemplating this idea and perhaps someone else will read this and make the decision to be truthful with everyone involved. I'm not saying she should care about the adoptive family's feelings on the adoption that is not the priority. HOWEVER; having decided the adoption is the path she's chosen and deciding not to be truthful about the bio dad will have an impact on the Child and Adoptive family's life in the near future NOT HERS! and that is very relevant! and that's why I brought up what Belle said. It's not just there here and now that's being addressed. I've been on these threads for years and I stopped for a long time because of angry people. There is more than one perspective for every post.