Advertisements
Gosh, I'm not sure where to start. My story might be different than some, but this forum has been the first forum I've found to contain anything like what I'm going through. I hope that I have come to the right place.
I am not an adoptee in the traditional sense. I am the product of an affair.
My mother (biological) told me when I was 16 that I might have a different biological father than my 3 sisters (1 older, 2 younger). While I was surprised, I wasn't completely shocked as there were always jokes about me being the "milkman's", etc. I was blonde, blue-eyed. My sisters all were brunettes with brown or hazel eyes. My temperament is different and I was/am always the one to listen, keep secrets, and am usually considered the "favorite". People are always surprised that my sisters are my sisters because we look nothing alike.
Complicating the matter was the fact that this "other man" was my dad's best friend. My dad had known about this since I was about 5. When I look back, I never felt any form of rejection, or felt I was treated differently in any way, so in a weird sense, I feel that when he found out I might not be his, he adopted me in his heart as his own. His name remains on my birth certificate and I have no intention of ever changing that.
I could never go behind my dad's back and find out more about this other man, because unbelievably, they were still friends! My dad made it very clear to me that I was "his" daughter.
My dad passed away suddenly in 2005.
It took time to feel it was ok to look into this genetic link. But it really took my son's medical issues to start really wondering more about this other possible "father" and how my genes might affect more than just my blonde hair. I decided I needed to know more about "WHO" I really am.
So, before contacting this man, I had one of my sisters do a siblingshio DNA test. It came back with a probability of only 12% that we were full siblings. While inconclusive legally, it was enough to push me to take the next step.
So I finally contacted him. He was surprised but said he always knew this day would come. We had met once before, but that's a tale for another time. After a few meetings & awkward moments, we arranged to do a paternity test to get that final answer.
It came back with a probability of >99.99% that he is my biological father. I called him last night to tell him the results.
Today, I am just so lost. So many feelings I don't know where to start. The results are not shocking, but they are quite final. There is no more wondering, there is no more "what ifs". It now simply is what it is.
I am very sure he intends to tell his sons. He seems to believe they will be ok even if it takes some time and that having some kind of relationship with me is important to him. They are all adults with lives of their own, so I am really hoping they will be reasonable and not blame me for this revelation.
My main concern is his wife. She is the same person he had an affair on so many years ago. I don't want to be the reminder she, and everyone else, seemed to want to sweep under the rug. At the same time, I did not ask for this. I just hope she can find a way to accept me as her husband's daughter somehow.
I'm sorry if this is not the right place to go. But there is very little information or support forums for babies who were born because of affairs. I think many are either not confessed, or simply aborted. My husband's sister has a different biological father and she doesn't even know!! I thank my mother for being honest with me, and mostly, for not aborting me to cover up her affair!!!
So while I was originally motivated by medical reasons, I am now feeling things I never realized were there. I am so confused. Is it natural to have feelings for people I don't really know?? Or is my heart playing tricks on me because I miss my dad??
I'm just so emotional right now. I'm bringing up crap from the past that some seem to just want to forget, I feel like a dirty secret, I am worried if I'm doing the 'right thing' by finding out the truth...
This seems like the only place I could find that was remotely close to what I was going through!! Is it wrong to want to know more about the biological side of things? The genetics? The family history? Or am I overstepping something that was "laid to rest" over 30 years ago...?
I told my mom. She cried. My sisters seem supportive. It is his family I am concerned about...especially his wife. I don't know them or how they deal with drama...
Like
Share
Of course, it's natural to have feelings for our biological family members. Your biology wasn't expunged.Take things slowly and make sure everything is out in the open. Don't have clandestine phone calls or texts. Many spouses feel jealousy or territoriality when "reunion" hits. You don't have to be the product of an affair for these emotions to surface....Both you and your b-father need to reassure her that you want to know the whole family, and you don't just want to know your father. When you make plans with him, try to make plans with the entire family rather than just an outing for the two of you.Good luck! I'm glad that you now know your biology. That alone is huge.
Advertisements
You are not wrong. You are not overstepping. I think a forum full of adoptees can speak for the drive to know one's biology... even when it's "only" half that remains unknown.Like L4R said above, be willing to take things slow with your biological father and with his family. Try to make plans that include his family. Try to get to know them as well. Accept them as a package deal, since your biological father links you to them as well. That will (hopefully!) keep irrational anger/jealousy/drama down to a minimum .Other than those suggestions, all I can say is that I wish you good luck!
You must stop and realize that none of this is your fault. And it is "not in the past". This is your life. Past, present AND future. Although the affair may have been in the past, your life remains in the present and future. So feel no guilt. Decisions were made many years ago which probably at the time felt like "the right thing to do". Many times we do not realize how far reaching a moments act can reverberate through time. So yes, you are perfectly normal for having a ball full of emotional turmoil right now. What person wouldn't. We are talking about your identity. Who you are. That is generally the one thing most people feel secure in. Where we come from. So although you are not the conventional adoptee found on these boards, I do believe you may find some advice and some peace. Many of us have tread the waters of reunion. And in reality that is what you are seeking. A reunion with your birth father. Yes, you are going to be experiencing the same issues that many here have. Fear of rejection and establishing relationships with a new family. And yes, the wife may feel threatened. If you have the chance to talk to her, do so. Tell her that you may have been the product of an unhappy time in her life, but you would like to turn that into a positive. Take your time and fasten your seatbelt because you are in for the ride of your life.Good Luck.
*SIGH*
THANK YOU! :thanks:
I wasn't sure if my situation was going to cajole negative feelings because I was raised by my own mother...
I just struggle because if she hadn't told me, I would never know. I always wondered why I was so different than my sisters, but found ways to be ok with it.
It was frustrating trying to answer medical history questions when you don't know if the answers are relevant!
My biological father and I met to discuss medical history and from there, more questions came...and the personality similarity was uncanny. I started to wonder if his sons were also more like me than my sisters...
The weird thing is that he and my dad were best friends. Right up until my dad passed in 2005. I don't know how they managed to sweep me under the rug, but they did. I think my bio-dad did it to appease my dad for sleeping with his wife.
He had stories of my dad when he was young, and even my grandparents, both of whom have passed. It is great to hear stories of loved ones passed, but it is awkward given his friendship with my dad...
When I told him the result was >99.99% that he was my biological father, he said he has no desire to live a 'double life' and intends on telling his boys. It relieves me that he does not want me to be a 'dirty secret' any more than I do. But I do worry about how his boys will react. They knew my dad. They will also be finding out that their dad cheated on their mom...with his best friend's wife. It's not like I'm from some previous relationship...wouldn't that just be too easy?? :P
Just before we were to get this done, his wife suddenly had second thoughts and basically told him she doesn't want him to go through with the test. I get that she is worried. She really doesn't know me at all. And I really think she never wanted her sons to know and was perfectly content with me living under the rug. Maybe she has issues because she only had boys, I don't know. But in my mind I can't help but think she has had 30 years to let this destroy her marriage...and it hasn't. Why would she feel so threatened now?? I suppose she could feel that I lied about my intentions...? Originally I had contacted him wanting to find out the answer to this question of paternity because of my son's medical issues. It was frustrating trying to answer medical history questions when you don't know if the answers are relevant! I am as surprised as anyone that I would have the emotions I'm having. I've known about this for a long time. It was a question though. Now we have the answer but...now I have even more questions!!
Anyway...the ball is in his court now. My mom knows, my sisters know. It really doesn't affect their day-to-day lives so they are as supportive as they can be I suppose.
Thanks again for the responses!! It feels good to be able to talk to people who get this biological stuff!! :)
There is actually a term for your type of adoption. It's called adoptee lite. It just means that you were raised by one of your biological parents, but you were adopted by his or her spouse.And, what you're going through is not unusual. It is easier to accept a person in theory (i.e., the idea of someone) than to have that flesh and blood person knocking on the door. It is not surprising that his wife is starting to panic. Her life and her children's lives are going to change. On the whole, people don't like change. (Add to that the affair, and she is re-experiencing a powder keg of emotions.)Just take things slowly. Make sure you are very transparent with everything you do with your father. The rest of his family need to know that they are welcome, and you want to know them. Just prepared for the possibility that they may not want to know you. This could be a short-term or long-term. We have a right to know who we are. We have a right to let others know we exist. But, we do not have an absolute right to relationships with our newly found relatives.Good luck!
Advertisements