Interfering Grandma. Advice needed.

She is so new to your family that it seems like it would be a bit confusing to search out a birthmother she never knew and one she may have a lot of mixed feelings about. I would let it go for now (as long as she knows that you do have the information to reach out to her if and when she may want to do that). I can't believe your mother in law would do that. :mad: Your poor daughter needs time to bond and adjust to her new, life, country, family. I think as time goes by she may feel more comfortable opening up her feelings. Maybe you could encourage her to keep a journal and write down some of her memories from her childhood and where she has come from both good and bad. Let her know that with time memory fades and someday she may want to look back on those experiences and even share them with her own children. Maybe even have her make her own life book. In doing so, as she shares those things with you she may find it easier to talk about her feelings about it all and you'll have a better understanding of where she's been and whats going on in her mind and heart.

I'm definitely not a fan of your mother-in-law.She should never have told your daughter to keep their conversation a secret. You should let your daughter know, if you haven't already, that you have contact information for her other mother. Again, let her know that there is no pressure to search, but if she ever wants to do so, you have some information that could help locate her b-mom. Once she is 18 and has graduated from high school, the information you have should literally be in her possession. Right now, you're safeguarding it. But, once she is of age, it will be hers to safeguard, and you should give her all of the information that you have at that time.

What L4R said and you also need to have a talk to your MIL before she opens her mouth again...either she is trying to get your daughter to love her by being on "her side" or perhaps your MIL is an adoptee or has a close friend who is and thinks that is the key to a relationship - who knows... One year since being adopted is not the appropriate time for that discussion - certainly not at 13 years old. Right now everything is still new and finding the right place...I think it could be taken wrong by your daughter as in "they want me to leave" and I am being rejected. I would do as L4R has said in advising you have the info, and will help if that is ever something she desires as an adult - but that regardless if she does search - she will still be your daughter and you her mom. I would be dropping casual comments when they work in the conversation about how much you love being her mom and can't imagine life any other way now...just in case she took it as rejection. Kind regards,Dickons

Thank you momof6. I have let my daughter bring the issue up which she did tonight. Apparently she felt pressured. I am heartbroken. I reassured her that only she knows what the right thing to do and she doesn't have to think about it. I told her she is my daughter and always will be no matter what! She liked that and felt much better. As for my MIL- I will wait until my anger passes before I deal with her! I am afraid of what I will say right now.Thank you for replying

I definitely agree and followed your advice. Thank you. I am taking things one step further and putting the info I have on her birth mom in our safety deposit box with all our legal papers to keep it secure. Mimi

Thanks for the input. This is exactly what I feared so made sure to reassure her today. I think this whole mess may have brought us even closer. It is such a blessing when a crazy incident can turn into a great bonding moment. :) Mimi

Don't wait! Go Yell at your mother in law and have your hubby yell at her as well. :happydance: She deserves the everything she has coming to her:grr:

All good advice. I'd just add that I wouldn't be sending my child to gma anytime soon. I've had to closely monitor extended family relationships with my kids because of similar issues. It stinks but ultimately my children's well being comes first. Bottom line is your daughter is NOT a pawn to be used by MIL, which is exactly what she did in that scenario. Shame on her.

I love the little icon of the face banging its head against the wall because that is exactly how I feel when I talk to my MIL. She denies and then cries. It is pathetic. My daughter will no longer be seeing her alone- ever, and I think we got through this with her. That is the important thing here. :clap: Mimi

This is what is going to happen from now on. Actually, my MIL is never going to be alone with my daughter for a long long time. We will also monitor email and mail. I never in a million years thought I would have to do this. It is crazy. Thanks for your reply. It makes me confident in the decision we made. Mimi

As an adult adoptee, kudos to you for keeping the option open to meet her birth mother. I am sure at some point she will want to meet her for a variety of reasons. But this should be her decision when she is ready. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. As a grandmother, I would have a talk with your MIL, nice but firm, that this is your daughter and you want her to make the decision when to meet her birth mother. 13 is a tough age anyway, without someone making waves. If your MIL cannot respect your wishes, you will have to cut down or out the visits. Say with love, not as a threat.

Jesus.. Look at the situation. Your daughter is 13 years old. Such a delicate age. She is moving into adulthood, and puberty. Take the analogy of a person going through rehabilitation, and they are learning to walk by themselves. They desperately want to walk by themselves, but need the assistance of nurses and a rail. Baby steps. Her family (ie. YOU and your husband) are her rail and nurse. She needs you for support. Pushing the adoption issue is like telling her that rail and support is actually just a hologram, which she does not want to hear right now. She needs solid foundation, or confirmation that her family is her family, and not that there are some others around. I dunno. They are my thoughts. I could be wrong, but that is my take on it... (I am also adopted, and would also get angry if my parents forced the issue).

Also, that Grandma thing is just plain disrespectful to you!You are the one that are providing and nurturing for this little girl. How dare she make secret deals behind your back???I would pay caution to any interaction around her.

I think you are handling it well. I also have a 13 year old daughter. I have information for her, but she is not interested at 13 she is interested in fitting in with her friends as is normal. I do agree with calming down before confronting your mil. Ideally your husband would do it and express to her that he is hurt when his wife is disrespected. If he won't then it will fall to you to explain why she can't be alone with dd. She likely will turn herself into the victim, but hey miracles happen, she might listen. LOL Good luck. Glad it may have brought the two of you closer.

Mimi,I hope this finds you well. I don't think she did any harm. If your daughter said no, then that needed to be respected. Most folks get curious when they get older. I think when she is older the channels of communication should be open, but that is just my opinion. If anything she will love and respect you for loving her enough to be honest.Much joy is found when a family can expand itself. When mom's decide to give their children up for adoption that's a painful decision for most. They are trusting you and sharing with you the most precious thing they have to offer, a life. they prayed and entrusted that their child would go to someone who would love them, nurture them, and care for them as if they were their very own. And I'm certain some where in there they also hope that you would be kind enough to let them know that their child is okay, in good health, and that someday they may even get even a glimps at a photo if nothing else at all. Sometimes the smallest thing is the world to the next person. I have a grandson I am looking for. Desperately. I only pray I get to see him even once. I'd be so forever greatful. To know he's in good hands, safe, healthy and happy. I pray I get to talk to him someday. Not to take him out of his environment or who he knows as his family, but to let him know that his family is much bigger than he could imagine that that there is so much love, not just for him, but also for the parents, his adoptive "Mom'" and "Dad" who love him so very much, that they'd consider to share a glimpse of him with me. My Son also has a half Sister, I'd love nothing more than to see them meet sometime. Her father's mother is quite up there in age and I know she'd like the piece of mind to know she's okay and even for the small chance to meet her or know what she looks like. I know it's taken a toll on her natural mother. So often folks are told horrific stories, my Son's half Sister's mother seemed like the usual teenager who fell in love and got caught up too fast. I'm more than certain if she had to make those choices all over, they would be different. She is a very successful woman, but also very broken hearted and has searched for her daughter most of her life.Not always are we at our best, that doesn't mean that God isn't done with us.I try to keep that in mind. We never really know the situation or why the situation occurred. But I know one thing. If a parent is looking, I guarantee they've lost a lot of sleep, and would move heaven and earth, just to know & just to have a glimpse.From a child's perspective... Wanting to know what happened. Most children would feel like they weren't wanted, in most cases that is the furthest from the truth. Maybe not in all, but most. Maybe the mom and dad were too young, not married, talked into it for financial reasons and the sort. But as a child I would want to know that. What happened. I would want photo's, I would want to know if I had any siblings. Like I said, sometimes the little things mean the world. Just to know.I honestly hope this helps you sort it out. I've always been honest with my children, it's earned me a great deal of respect. I wouldn't have done it any other way. I wish you peace and happiness.