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I am so frustrated and don't have a better place to vent so I apologize in advance for my Debbie Downer post. After nearly 7 months of working toward licensing, hubby drops a bomb this morning saying he's having second thoughts on fostering...again. We literally are weeks away! I'm so mad today thinking I have been spinning my wheels all this time only to have someone throw all my hard work out the window with just a few words. He had a conversation last week with a friend who works in another state's DCF system. She said "having seen what I've seen, I'd never be a foster parent". Really? Good thing she doesn't have the opportunity to speak to too many other prospective FPs. She'd send them all runnin' for the hills! This, of course, put doubt back in hubby's mind and here we are today. He's always been a 3 steps foward, 1 step back kind of guy, but the timing on this one really sucks. Grrrrr!!!!! :mad: Thanks for listening.
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IF he continues to have cold feet you can always come to a compromise and do respite only. My husband wasn't really into it at first either, and admitted that he was only doing it for me. By the 8th class they had a foster mom who fostered 12 children come speak to us, along with her adult adopted daughter. It was an inspirational story full of hope. I believe that was a defining moment for him. We actually were ONLY going to do respite, and then I kinda swayed him into a full time placement, and now we have two.:evilgrin: It is still MY passion, but at least now he admits that we are doing a good thing providing safety and stability for these kids.
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:D You've come this far, ask him if he'll just finish the license requirements. Is emergency only respite an option at your agency? Sometimes the agency just needs the Fost. Fam. for a few nights while they get all the background checks of the kin done.
If he does start to come around, ask him what his preference is age and gender wize and let him have his way completely on that....
My husband has had several moments of this.
Last year, we started the process and got all the way to the first day of class. As I was leaving for work that day, I told him when and where to be that night for class and he said he wasn't going, didn't want to foster, and that was it. I was upset, but if we weren't both in it, then it wouldn't work. The last few years he lived with his parents, they were fostering-to-adopt and he saw how invasive the process is and stressed his family was because of it. He just wasn't ready to deal with that.
I think another factor was that we hadn't yet discovered the reason for our infertility and he was hopeful that it would "happen." Yeah, well.. it didn't, it won't, and the reason (so far) we know lies with him. I think he felt guilty and when fostering came up again, he was on board. Hesitant, but agrees we'll be doing it and has gotten more comfortable with the idea. :arrow:
Back on track. After a heart to heart, I learned it wasn't really the fostering that was bugging him, but rather an unhappiness with his job spilling over in to other parts of his life. To me, life is life and work is work and they rarely mingle. Not him, but I think we've worked through it and have set up a bedroom and completed the last few items requested by our coordinator before we get sent to the state for licensing. :clap:
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I heard the horror stories from people I never personally would have guessed were foster kids themselves when going through the licensing process. The stories were more of resilience than anything horrible. Yes, there were some things that would make the average parent reconsider, but we all enter this with risk. That risk is often attributable to trauma they faced when not in proper care. I consider this a part of the job and am taking any risk with full acknowledgement and perseverance. I am not here to quibble with what could happen. I am here to move the kids that need us all forward so that they may live a healthy and productive life.
Acknowledge the past. Move forward in the present.:wings:
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Just wanted to update you guys. We got our first placement, a weekend respite and I think hubby fell for those kids harder than I did! He was such a natural and missed them so much when we took them back to their foster family. He was even talking about keeping them in mind if they ever go to TPR.
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How is the placement going??
As for us, my wife was the one with cold feet. It's one of the (many, many) reasons it took us more than 2 and a half years to get licensed. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, her cold feet weren't major contributors - only put a little kink in our timeline a few times. We were licensed a month ago, and still no placement, but I still sometimes wonder if she is really into doing it. To me, many of these children really need a mother and if the mother figure (my wife) isn't on board then it isn't a good idea to do this - though I hope that the kids also need/want a father figure :) So anyway, I get going through the cold feet thing. I'm glad you two were able to make it work and I hope you're enjoying your placement!
