? for Adoptees. Why might you reject bmom?

Wow :( I am so sorry. 10 years is a long goodbye. I can see both sides of what you are describing. I don't think my daughter is ready for any of this yet, I won't be sending cards. I realize trust and longterm understanding has to be reached and can take time, many birth mothers simply recognize "this is my child!" and feel the way yours does. I also believe adoptees have more things to work out than a birth mother does and may not ultimately embrace my version of the happy ending (two loving families). If she resolved her problems with her adoptive family and had good support I would be happy for her, just miss her for the rest of my life. I keep my social media up in part for her sake so that she can visit in privacy, on her own terms and keep control over the situation. She knows I am here, I am confident she won't ever be able to honestly say she was given up on. I think she wants to be the one to decide this time.

Kenning, I appreciate your thoughtfulness on this subject, and as an adoptee who recently had contact from biological relatives, including BM, I have some perspective for you. First off, you use the word, "rejection," but I would like to offer you a different perspective. She doesn't know you, so she can't reject "you". She may not have been prepared for the feelings that she would feel now that you have become a real person and not just a source of information. I know that when I made contact, all I wanted was genetic health info, and that was more for my kids' sake than mine. I had no desire to "know" this person, because I already have a mom. I didn't have a place in my life for her, and I doubt that I ever will. But it's not a rejection of her- I don't know her- it's the fact that I already have a mother. I have a wonderful family and a great life and I would not change a thing about my adoption. Isn't it a good thing if your BD feels this way about her family? Isn't that the best that you could hope for? She has a family that loves her. That's a beautiful thing. Maybe she will reach out again, and maybe not. I know for me, I won't be reaching out to my bio fam any time soon, and probably never. They are strangers to me, and I really don't want a relationship. If that is how your BD feels, please try to understand, and know that it's not a personal rejection, because again- she doesn't know you so she can't reject you. She has assimilated into her own family and that is the best possible outcome- she may have just wanted health info, as I did, or she may just not be ready. Either way, I would wait until you hear from her- and if you never do, I would accept that and know that it's not about you at all. <3

Wow.. Beth0810,I've got to say hands down that is an awesome response.. You have out my situation into perspective too. Thanks.I think it's too easy to delve into all the bad things, but your perspective is actually a very grounded and responsible approach. Count your blessings and not your troubles. So true...! Thanks

Yes thank you this is helpful because it shows the degree to which an adoptee is certainly not always looking for or wanting a second family. I think a key difference though is that my daughter has a significant break from her family and is not happy or ok. I wish she was. I only ever expected her to have a blessed life and always knew what I was giving up and why. No matter the love I feel and the willingness to be there for her now I know I am a stranger and cannot repair the relationship she has with her adoptive Mom. My confrustration is in watching her struggle and being powerless.

I have just been going through the posts on my own thread thinking about my situation and the feedback so far. First, everyone has been great. Respectful, compassionate and also personal, it has been much appreciated and I hope to continue to see posts on this subject. Thank you to everyone! As for my specific situation, it is so involved, so many important details I always hesitate to post because I am attempting some discretion. I set up my information to protect privacy and allow myself to speak openly but you just never know..and ultimately I don't want to divulge any details that would be detrimental, etc. This can inhibit an open exchange but regardless, it is helpful bottom line to hear about the individual experiences out there and just to see so much good will. People outside of the adoption scenario do their very best, but I think sometimes just cannot understand any aspect of it......thanks again everyone :)

I looked for and found my b-parents. I am in an ongoing relationship with my father. My mother emailed me a few times, and then chose to ignore all future emails. So, I am not necessarily in the same frame of mind as your daughter.But, it could be that the emotion of your contact overwhelmed her. If we are ill-prepared for reunion, it can hit hard. Even if she was searching, if she didn't read about reunions and the emotions involved, she may have been blindsided by the strong emotions coming at her from a related stranger.Sometimes either side needs to pull back for a bit. She may have fantasized about you, and that may have driven her to look for you. But, when you found her, you became real, and maybe she wasn't ready for that yet.I'm not asking you for any details. I am just posing questions for you to think about. Are you certain that she wanted to have a relationship? As others have stated, maybe she just wanted some basic information or photos or non-id or medical information.What is her relationship like with her family? Maybe she talked with them after receiving your replies, and they might not have approved. Some adoptees feel such loyalty to their a-families that they will reject their b-families.Are you sure she got your messages? How did you contact her? You wrote, "posted," so I am assuming it was some sort of online communication. On FB, if you're not friends, it goes into the black hole of "other messages," which many people never access. And, maybe she satisfied her curiosity, for now. Maybe the information you gave her was enough for now. Would it have been at least polite to respond? Yes. But, I don't know how old she is, so it might be developmentally appropriate not to have responded.

Am certain she received it all. Social media gives an odd window into some of these things. We follow each other online and I think it will remain this way until she changes her mind about being direct or really disappears. One of the most modern regrets of a young birth mother must be mine - if only I had clued in that she might be looking at my social media before I found her. I looked for her only after she turned 20, thinking this was conservative re her readiness, maturity. She posted her search record looking for me just after turning 22. I know she saw my record because her adoptive Mom told me she herself found it and gave it to my daughter's doctor. So my daughter waited a year to respond and then 9 months before I saw it and reached out..depressing. Given the detail she included in her search record and the fact that I am certain she had been following me online, I do not believe she wanted basic information, she already had that. Did she change her mind once I spoke to her? Clearly. Of course facts on paper and daily quirky social media postings can't prepare someone for how that person will behave toward you and as you say, all of the feelings involved. Her kind of silence isn't really silent, just indirect. Many images are posted, some very sad, especially around her birthday and oddly, mine. Mothers and daughters, little girls looking longingly into mirrors, etc. Sometimes anger, too. My regret now is not knowing she could be observing me and failing to post anything on her birthdays. I just...never thought of her as public, only friends and family would ever hear about her and I kept my feelings to myself. Because - how do you talk about such a loss? It was thoughtless though, despite all of this, she could have had the comfort of knowing she was on my mind. Her adoptive Mom told me she (the mom) has always supported reunion and also insisted she be present. Apparently my daughter has always responded she doesn't care that she was adopted, her a-mom does. It sounded like my daughter has always refused to discuss it with her or admit it has import, but the images she has online and her behaviour tell a very different story. From all sides, I think she does not want to be pushed yet..she does want to be wanted, too. Privacy but to be understood. To be on her own but welcomed home. I think it is all very confusing for her, what is external and what is inside as well and it saddens me. Though you didn't request this detail, she is on her own on an opposite coast from her family, they had a major split a couple of years ago and support her from a distance. This is a great part of my concern. If I knew she was getting some sort of help or able to be self supporting, much of this angst would dissipate.

[my emphasis]Ugh. Insisted?Why? Reunion is about the mother and child, that profound, unique one-to-one that the entire human and animal world comprehends and accepts except those caught up in adoptionland.No-one else has any place, let alone right, to be involved. It is a private space in the world for the mother and child. That anyone else would 'insist' on being there is deeply ugly in its disrespect.I'm sorry I can't help you with your initial enquiry, but that phrase just leapt out and I could not let it pass.

[my emphasis] Ugh. Insisted? Why? Reunion is about the mother and child, that profound, unique one-to-one that the entire human and animal world comprehends and accepts except those caught up in adoptionland. No-one else has any place, let alone right, to be involved. It is a private space in the world for the mother and child. That anyone else would 'insist' on being there is deeply ugly in its disrespect. I'm sorry I can't help you with your initial enquiry, but that phrase just leapt out and I could not let it pass.

It's not ugly and it's not disrespectful for the MOM to want to be there with her daughter when she meets the bmom. I'm sure it's for both of their sakes and she is protective of HER daughter and wants to be there to help her with the process.

Beth, While I understand your thinking, would a mom insist on being there for a first date for an adult? My mom and dad didn't insist on being there for my first meeting with my brother. That would have been intrusive and uncomfortable for all. I'm an adult who makes my own decisions and while Mom and Dad maybe have wanted to protect me should something go wrong, that isn't their place anymore. Adults are adults right?

I think parents insisting on accompanying their adult children to a first meeting with mothers of origin (or fathers, etc) probably depends on the age and maturity of the adoptee in question. I would be VERY uncomfortable if my son's mom wanted to attend my 2nd meeting with him (the first was when he was born) as he is 31 -years-old. Having said that, I would like to meet his family someday, if I ever have the chance to build a relationship with him first.

If the adult daughter wants her mother to accompany her, that's her choice. But, at some point, parents have to let their adult sons and daughters navigate through the world on their own terms. Each adoptee is different, but as an adult, I would never have wanted my mother to accompany me.

double post

As others have said, if the daughter wants her there, fine. However, she can't insist that she be there. It is entirely up to the daughter to decide.