Some sort of trigger?

Someone held her down or against her will.

This is why. Some people do not take kindly to being wrestled down and held against their will, especially when it has to do with someone violating their mouth. It may or may not be a trigger from a past trauma, but you sure are creating one now for her future. I'd try to find a more gentle approach that gives her the control she needs. Have you talked to her about her fear? Have you told her that it's going to be even worse when she has to have braces b/c the teeth are coming in crooked and the orthodontist is going to be in her mouth A LOT? Help her understand the situation and the consequences, and let it be her choice. She's old enough, and needs to feel she has control over her body. You are teaching her that she doesn't, and that it's okay to let someone bigger and stronger force themselves on her.

Because it is beyond S.C.A.R.Y....and freaky and horrible and terrifying and nauseating and starts the flight or fight hormones cascading throughout your body and every additional thought starts the cascade of adrenaline and cortisol all over again....and it drains you... I hated, hated, hated a loose tooth, and the mere thought of someone pulling it sent me into hysterics... I would rather go through childbirth again without meds - than have a tooth pulled...even just chipping a tooth freaks me out and I must get to the dentist to fix it before something worse happens... No abuse in my background as a child... Everyone has something that triggers bone chilling fear...what's yours and how do you react to that fear? Kind regards,Dickons

I'm not sure that there is anything unusual about her reaction. She knows it will hurt, and is possibly over dramatizing it, as 12 year olds sometimes do. But you don't want it to develop into something, or create any fears of her father. I suggest you make an appointment for the dentist to take it out, and tell her that you will gladly cancel the appointment if she manages to lose the tooth before then. If she doesn't, then the dentist can pull it. Dentist's don't give second, third, and three hundredth chances like Daddies do. :)

Thank you all for your ideas! She HAS been held against her will both for a nasal camera, by Dad (to prepare for tonsilectomy and cleft surgery at age 5) and when going into surgery afterward, by Mom & nurse. For followup surgeries, we requested (begged for) a sedative prior to being wheeled back to surgery and she has gone back happy and loopy. (The painful recovery is another story.) And she's had orthodontia (expansion of the palate with a key we had to turn--caused tenderness (treated with popsicles/ice cream), impressions taken, etc. at age 6 or 7-10-ish). She did great for the hygienists, though. Dad has NEVER held her or wrestled her for teeth, though. Usually she'll close her mouth a few times, cry, and then let him just flick it out (with his fingernail--hard to explain. I can't/won't do it). When her older sibs had theirs taken out, they cried at the shock/pain, but then stopped when they saw the tooth. Hmm...I wonder if it's because she knows now that there's no tooth fairy, so the motivation is gone? She even demanded from him, "Why do YOU want my tooth so bad?!" with tears streaming. And yes, she logically knows why--dentist explained it to her--but in that hysterical moment, she was saying anything to distract him. He never got a chance to wiggle it to see how loose it was because she kept talking, closing her mouth, trying to negotiate, making threats to Dad, etc. until he'd just give up.Then just today she came willingly, admitted she needed his help because she just can't force herself to yank it from the gum (it's just hanging on by gum tissue in the back now). But same thing...Dad reached over to "wiggle" it (probably to flick it in one quick move like he usually does), and she snapped her mouth shut, biting him. Then quickly said "sorry" and tears just rolled down her face. She hasn't yet felt any pain FROM Dad (and she felt horrible about biting him), it's just the anticipation of pain that has her in hysterics.So I'm calling the dentist tomorrow and will schedule an "extraction." Am willing to allow nitrous oxide, but won't have her put under because of the risk. She's had so many surgeries already and each one carries a risk. Now that she's older, that's terrifying. And as Waited2Long said, the dentist will get it done fast, ignoring the pleas to "let me do it myself." ;)I still don't really understand how a tooth pulling (the last one) has built up in her mind to be so horrible? Especially after so many that she (afterward) admitted weren't so bad afterall. But regardless, we don't want her to have this "bad guy" image of Dad. (I don't want her to fear dentists, though, either!)EtA....Dickons, you asked what bone-chilling fears I have...not sure I can think of one off the top of my head. When I've had nightmares, they usually involve near drowning, though I can swim and am not afraid of the water. I have a healthy caution of water, though. (Will wear the snorkel belt out in ocean even though I float easily in salt water. So I guess the "fear" of getting out too far and not having the strength to make it back in. NOt sure that's a bone-chilling fear, though.) Not a big fan of snakes and other creepy crawlies, and I don't hang out too long at their displays at zoos. ;-)...Just thought of one. Haven't experienced this YET, but I imagine when I'm looking over the cliff into Grand Canyon, I'll feel a chill up my spine. I don't have a fear of heights, but the THOUGHT of falling that far would scare me.