Getting ready to send Pictures

I'm not positive I followed your post completely, but....We have the following relationships:*Mom and Dad - a few FB messages here and there, pictures a time or to a year, a letter with them. They have asked for visits. Not on your life.*Maternal Aunt (and her hubby and kids) and Grandmother - a few texts and pictures, two visits in the last year (though I could see it being more if we were closer location wise). Grandma swore to everyone during the case that she would cut off her daughter in order to get the kids. Well, we all could tell she couldn't do it. And sometimes I feel like her having a close relationship with biomom is a betrayal of the children and our family. But really, moms love their kids no matter what. And why should she cut her off now anyway? But mostly? I don't get to say who other people have relationships with. I also don't get to say what kind of relationship these people reciprocate. In 27 months, I have not gotten ONE SINGLE THING for my children from their first parents. I even asked for specific things like stories and pictures. Not only did I not get those things, I didn't get letters, gifts, etc either. Even the other family members are a little more distant than I would have guessed. Really? I would have the relationships you think are healthy and safe for your son. A friend of mine really helped me with this when I told her that I was afraid the first parents would put pictures on facebook like her child's biomom does. She asked what it really hurt? And really? It doesn't. Really, friends and family know they don't have their children. And me being open with them has been a good thing. They LIKE us (as much as they can with their situation, I guess). They feel good that the kids are in a good place. I've even seen mom taking a little bit of responsibility and showing some regret more recently. Do they really NEED to be punished day in and day out? And will it HURT my kids to have pictures sent to their bio parents? I just don't think so. And there are positives to having a relationship other than for them. One day, my kids may want to meet their birth parents. I would say probably will in our case (though likely only all three because if one or two will, the third likely will also). Me keeping up with them allows me to more easily give them that option. Same with grandparents. One day, I have no doubt, my children will ask grandma and aunt some questions about parents, family, etc. This way? I encourage that to be done in healthy and safe ways. They don't have to sneak around. They don't have to run off. They don't have to wait. They don't have to feel guilty or wonder what we'll think. We have set it up from the month before TPR that we will support whatever they feel they need to do when they get bigger. Just a consideration. Just like when we were kids, we couldn't control who our friends hung out with when we weren't around, we just don't get to decide who open adoption members deal with. And that is okay. BTW, I do make sure pictures don't have identifying information on them. Bio grandma and aunt have been to our home. A cousin of the father lives two streets over. But I still make sure pictures aren't showing our subdivision sign or sports team info or whatever. That is a safety if they do end up on the first parent's facebook pages.Anyway, just a consideration. You know your child's first family's situation. Maybe they are way too dangerous to have a current picture because they would hunt y'all down and that would be bad. But usually, first parents have no intention of doing those things. THey were troubled. They had issues. They drank or did drugs. They neglected and abused and couldn't/wouldn't do better. But they aren't going to leave their town or carry their child's picture comparing it to every child they see. THey aren't going to be able to act like they still have their child more than superficially. And they may really appreciate the smallest of gestures.I hope any of this helped in any way. It took me months to really come to terms with everything. And sometimes I still have a little fear creep in. Sometimes some anger also. But mostly, I think I'm doing the right thing. I am keeping connections for my children with their birth family so that door will more easily be opened one day if they wish. I think it is a good thing.

Thank you for your reply. I do agree with what you say. 1. I am asking how long would you wait after a death to send pictures. ( I live in a large city and everyone knows about this wrongful death) 2. I am thinking about what if. If they get them money. It looks like a few million dollars or more. (I have called our lawyer and they said they would sue the state and they do not know how or where you live. But they do, someone messed up before the adoption. I AM NOT CONCERNED I WILL LOOSE OUR SON. But am concerned they will take us to court just because they can.) This is just back burner stuff of what if. I am waiting for they agency to call me back that gave out our names and address. I have talked to a cw different case and foster child. She said she would not send the pictures right now. But she does not know when she would send them. I am sorry if it seems like I am being a butt. But I think this is out of the normal even for foster/adopt.Thanks again

Without knowing who the death was, it's hard to say how long I'd wait or if I'd wait at all. In general, I would send pictures when I was planning on sending them, and would not wait based on a death in the family. What good does it do to worry about them winning millions and taking you to court? You have no control over any of that. Do you have reason to believe that the adoption was somehow done incorrectly? If not, I would put it out of your head. Nobody sends anything to my kids, and I went through a period where I wondered if I should continue sending pictures. In the end, I decided that I would keep sending pictures, even if it was just a handful of pictures once a year.