Dissolution 11 yrs later

You say you adopted your daughter when she was nine months old, and now that she's 11 years old, you want to place her for adoption with another family. I guess my question is whether you have sought professional help for the both of you in a therapeutic environment? Since this is your first post, I don't know if you've already tried therapy or not. I don't have any personal experience with rehoming adopted children, but there are a couple members here who can lead you in the right direction. Hopefully they'll see your thread and respond soon. :)

Oh yes, we have done therapy. Lots and lots of therapy, and different strategies, all to no avail. This was a process. I exhausted all resources before we came to this decision. It is the last resort but a necessary one. She lies, hoards, steals, and lately, is sexually curious. To the point the drs have suggested we keep her away from young children. I have separated myself from my family, have had to baby sit her play time with her brother, he's autistic. Today I spent the morning sanitizing her room because she has been collecting her urine in containers. And hiding them. And spraying perfume to hide the stench. I just can not physically do it anymore. Last year I was diagnosed with a serious, degenerative disease and I have had no time to attend to that matter. I'm losing my family, my sanity and my health. I know she means well. Can not control herself and is very capable of living a wonderful, independent life, but she needs guidance. Lots of it.

I am one who has helped many adoptive families find new homes for those children they adopted as infants and as older children. Having been through an adoption reversal, disruption and relinquishment of a child, I do this simply because there was NO one to turn to when we needed help. That said, I know the person who's helping you find a family has said this is an unrealistic expectation to have a sort of open adoption arrangement. I can tell you from my experiences with other parents, this really isn't. Because she is 11yrs old and has been with you all her life, it may be easier for her to know you're still alive and well. Granted, it may be best for the new family to have some time with her w/o your involvement, but at some point, it may also be well to let her know the 'only family she's ever known' is still around-----just not able to meet her needs in the best way. I do believe it's unrealistic to think you'll be able to stay closely involved with this child because the new family will have to use strategies to help her rely on them and them alone. She cannot believe in times of stress that she can pick up the phone to complain. It sounds as if her problems are severe---and severe enough a clean break (to some extent) will be necessary for her to focus on these issues. It won't be easy; but if another family is willing to help with her challenges, they deserve this time. FWIW....There was a time I was quite critical about anyone who'd disrupt an adoption---let alone one who would relinquish a child they'd had for many years. But once I was in those shoes, I saw first hand how families sometimes have to literally choose if children within the family will have to deal with danger/abuse (all kinds), or find a suitable arrangement for the child who cannot function in a traditional family. These are the things the system nor private agencies want to talk about----nor do they want to HELP when this type of situation comes about. But you have to decide if other children will be the lambs for slaughter or given the chance to live safe and happy lives. Best of luck to you and this child. Sincerely, Linny

Linny, I have seen you post on other boards and am new to this website. My husband and I are looking to adopt a daughter and would like to help a family in need through disruption. We are looking for various websites/blogs to post our family info and see if we can get a match. Can you tell me where to start? Cathy

Call me a skeptic - I belong to a Yahoo group where this was shared. A Reuters reporter joined one of the disruption Yahoo groups and sensationalized the stories of the many struggling parents to publish this "investigative" series. Many parent's posts were made public to support an outlier story. [url=http://www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/about]Reuters Investigates - The Child Exchange[/url] As a result, Yahoo shut down 5 related groups. I guess a story on our broken adoption system does not sell as well...My $.02 Forum vets, please be careful. We need your continued support.

Cathy, I have no contact with various blogs or sites other than network with other persons connected with adoption who are homestudied and considering re-adoption as an option for a child to adopt. Such Yahoo groups as indicated in the investigation are not any *I've* ever belonged to or posted and any who've wished to re-home their adopted child have always eventually pm'ed me to disclose their struggles and thoughts to do this. I've always told them I can help-but only so far because eventually, they'll have to retain an attorney/agency--as will the new family they may select. Any have always been made aware that ICPC rules must be followed and the laws within their state and the state where the relinquishing family resides as well. Cathy, If you're wanting to find a child for re-adoption, you need to contact an agency like the Adopt America Network or AdoptUS. While most of the children they represent are from the foster care system, once in awhile some of the children are from failed adoptions. In order TO adopt from agencies such as this, you will need to have an approved homestudy and fill out an application from their agency. There is no charge for this. Sincerely, Linny

Dear Rain143, Your story moved me. I'm Nathalie Gros, a French journalist working for a French TV show called l'Effet Papillon. I do stories in the U.S. about people and society. I am preparing a story about how foster parents are left alone right after having adopted, and how the adoption system should change (more help from adoption agencies, from social services...). I would love to share your story in my project : would you be willing to participate ? You can reach me on my email address : ngros@capatv.com I hope you will be interested in talking to me and sharing your story. This might help other parents experimenting the same difficulties as you. All the very best, Nathalie Gros

Its amazing to me that media made such a huge deal about the issue as if it is new. It has been going on for many many years. Same as abuse if some foster homes or abuse in orphanages etc. There are issues that have been happening and will continue to happen. I think that it is important to realize that disruptions happen and have appropriate procedures for disruptions instead of demonizing he parents (or kids)