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I don't really know how to word my question.
We have a 17 year old boy who has been living with us for a year. He came to us through a private placement at a youth home and we have legal guardianship of him.
He's really been a dream child by any stretch. Obeys our rules, makes straight As, going to college - great kid.
My question is in regards to my relationship with him vs. my husband. I was immediately attached to him - and I have noticed over the last year with other females that he is a flirt (not aggressive or anything) but just sort of engenders sympathy with older women (I have three sisters in their 20s and he does this with them).
He is physical with me. Lots of hugs, will fall across me on the couch, sit really close, etc. but never does it in front of my husband. They seem to have a fine relationship, but certainly haven't bonded in the same way that he and I have. Nothing "inappropriate" has ever happened.
I keep my guard up, but at the same time we have three younger sons (10,7,4) who we are very affectionate with (lots of hugs and kisses, tickle fights, etc) and I know that this 17 year old has missed out on a lot of that kind of affection in his life because he has lived in group homes and with an aunt that was emotionally abusive. There has been no physical abuse in his past as far as we know and there has been nothing inappropriate towards our sons (we homeschool them and I am a stay at home mom, plus the three younger ones share a room, so not a lot of privacy here).
What have other's experiences been with this kind of thing? How do I handle the affection, but then lack of in front of my husband (which makes me think that he thinks there is something wrong with it, which in turn makes me feel weird about it)? How do I talk to my husband about this without putting weirdness between them?
This is our first experience doing something like this and I just wanted a little advice.
Sorry so long and THANKS!
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I too was a former foster child for several years, before being adopted. First off I just want to commend you on being a foster parent. I'll share with you my experience and ask a few questions. I've always felt more comfortable with females then with males this could be in part because my birthparents were physically and emotionally abusive. My adopted parents showed me a lot of affection as well but I never quite learned how to show it to my father. Speaking from my experience it was very hard to work through my feelings and express myself to my parents. I never learned how to interact with a "father-figure." You mention that his aunt was emotionally abusive, did he ever have a father figure in his previous homes? He could just be more comfortable with a mom figure because thats all he's ever known. As far as how can you handle the affection in front of your husband? I hope he doesn't take it personally and that you continue to acknowledge his affection towards you. It may be as simple as not ever having been able to develop appropriate displays of affection with a father.
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I too was a former foster child for several years, before being adopted. First off I just want to commend you on being a foster parent. I'll share with you my experience and ask a few questions. I've always felt more comfortable with females then with males this could be in part because my birthparents were physically and emotionally abusive. My adopted parents showed me a lot of affection as well but I never quite learned how to show it to my father. Speaking from my experience it was very hard to work through my feelings and express myself to my parents. I never learned how to interact with a "father-figure." You mention that his aunt was emotionally abusive, did he ever have a father figure in his previous homes? He could just be more comfortable with a mom figure because thats all he's ever known. As far as how can you handle the affection in front of your husband? I hope he doesn't take it personally and that you continue to acknowledge his affection towards you. It may be as simple as not ever having been able to develop appropriate displays of affection with a father.
Joe:Thank you so much for responding. It means a lot to hear from someone who has been on the other side of this. His mom left his dad when he was 4 and he's not really had any consistent father-figure since that and he has two older sisters who pretty much raised him, so I think he is more comfortable with females. He has lots of guy friends and is very personable, but perhaps simply doesn't know how to be affectionate with males and may have been made to feel in the past (from living in group homes) that touching was frowned upon and so isn't sure if it is okay.I think I just need to let my husband know what's been going on and get his take - so he is aware of the weirdness and can help.Thanks again! I really appreciate your response.