What do I say

Ryan22, if you mean that you are scared that they will want to know why you allowed them to be adopted, based on feedback I've read from a number of former adoptees, they probably will want to know. If you are not prepared yet to answer that question, maybe you should postpone contact until you are ready. I gather that you fear they may reject you? I would suggest reading posts -lots of them - from former adopted children. No two seem to feel exactly alike, but all give such honest insights into how they do feel. Is it possible to start your contact with the adoptive parents? Do you know if you can trust their feedback to be in the interest of the daughters (as opposed to their own fears of loosing the children they have raised)? There are many feelings to be considered, your own, your daughters, and the adoptive parents. Prayers for you, and I wish you the best.

I'm sure they will wonder and if you're ready to meet them you should be prepared to answer. Best of luck!

Ryan22sas, I've been in your shoes and had to confront that decision. The best thing I did was write a letter. The worst thing I could have done was try to initiate some kind of first person contact. It was tough, and I have had to pull myself back from doing that once my daughter started college, but it was the right thing to do (for me). Still, you can't help but wonder, and I can relate to that, too, believe me. What really got me through that time was to read everything I could find on how adoptees feel about being contacted, how many adoptees feel growing up, and what impacts (positive and negative) a reunion can create. You only have one chance to make a good first impression. I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly could. My daughter is 22 now, no contact, but I have chosen to wait until she is 30 to reach out directly. If she reaches out to me, that would be great, but I really want to give her that choice for contact while she is still very much a young person finding her way in the world. This approach worked for me, and maybe it will work for you. Either way, best of luck, and I hope you will some peace.

I have only one piece of advice. Sit your family down and explain to them what's going on for you. The first step is to recognize what you are prepared to offer. Is it your curiousity to know how they are doing or do you want an ongoing relationship where you have the capacity to be sensitive enough to be there no matter what? Decide that before you start. If you aren't sure don't engage in a relationship face to face. Be honest about your boundaries and what you are willing to bring to the table. Were they adopted together or separately? That makes a huge difference. If they were adopted together they have had each other to rely on. If not you might be opening a Pandora's box of two different colours. Depending on what type of experience they had with their adopted families they may react very differently. I am adopted and have been in reunion for approximately 15 years. One piece of advice I can give you is don't enter into something you aren't prepared to continue. Only give what you are prepared to continue to give. It's far too hurtful in my opinion to start something you aren't committed to nurturing despite all odds. It is possible they will not want a relationship; prepare yourself for that. You might find there will be petty jealousy from either side of your children's group. Set some boundaries now. Lay it on the line with your current family and feel them out. No one needs the chaos of a current family resenting the children you gave up for adoption and they certainly don't need that either.

I think part of what you don't know right now is that you don't know what they already know. For example, I've been keeping copies of court cases, documentation of what bmom has told me about the chaos in her life right now, etc. All these things impact the decision she made. A year later, these same things are leading her to place again. Nothing in her life has changed yet except for the worse. I don't keep these to bad mouth her but so that when they are old enough to truly understand and they have questions, I can help show them that it wasn't them. It was just where she is right now. I hope it will help them understand that there was no way she could have given them the life she wanted them to have at that moment. I'm not sure it would have even been a healthy environment. I hope 18 years from now that her life will be better and stable and that I can use this information to help them see that things change and it's safe for them to have a relationship if they want it.I know from my own experience. Don't lie to me, don't try to minimize what happened. Just acknowledge it. But that means you have to be able to be honest with yourself as well.I think you start with a letter. Don't address the whys in the letter. But know what you want and are asking for first. Don't put yourself in the situation of rejecting them a second time (meaning it feels like being rejected twice, not that you rejected them by placing). And be prepared to be rejected. I wish you luck.