13 Months Later

July 13, 2012 was the hardest day of my life. I left July 6th 2012 for Utah where I would spend a week leading up to my daughter's birth and saying goodbye to her. That week was the most emotionally unstable week I have ever expirienced. Talking with social workers who I called vulchers that just wanted my baby. They were great people, very sincere... Although it did feel like a business transaction sometimes. I spent time talking to the birth father for hours at a time, we would take turns convincing eachother that this was the right move to make for all of those involved. I ran through the motions and words of what the "right" decision was for the baby, my other daughter (who was 4 at the time) and myself. Why was I convinced this was the right decision for all of us? The baby's birth father (G) and I had the most volitle, explosive, roller coaster relationship anyone had ever seen (a lot of people told me so). G already had a son already whose mother was not involved in her 6 year old's life because of a long road of horrible choices and being in and out of jail. I had my daughter who couldn't seem to accept G because she couldn't forgive the continuous back and forth between G and I. The "I'm sorry kids we'll do our best and we'll all be a happy family" didn't mean anything to them. His son felt the same towards me and our kids wouldn't let themselves like eachother either. It was a big pot of clashing ingrediants. Oil & Water is what we all were. So... why couldn't we keep her and parent her in 2 different households seperate? G has his own reasons those I do not know but mine are/were she deserved better than her mom and dad fighting over her. She would have been the string between 2 people whose relationship probably would have maintained to be and extreme of up and downs... And I mean extreme. I wanted a good life for her in which her parents would love her. I wanted a "happily ever after" for her that I absolutely couldn't give her. I felt like the kids we already had deserved to have the frayed ties completely cut. July 14, 2012 I signed over my rights to two amazing people who I met and didn't have a doubt about. They had the cutest little girl who very apparently was very happy and very well taken care of. She had opportunities to have and be anything she wanted to be. Their first little girl was also adopted and the stories they told me about the hoops they had to jump through to get her made me believe they would do anything for my little girl too. I told myself over and over, "You haven't had a blessed life until you've blessed others". They deserved the opportunity of a family and it made my heart feel so good to be the person that could help them with that. So.... 13 months later where am I? How do I feel? It's been a long 13 months. The first few days after coming home hurt worse than getting on a plane and leaving my baby in Utah. My boobs full of milk for a baby I didn't have killed me emotionally and physically. Changing my toe nail polish killed me emotionally because it was a sign that life was moving on without her. Going to the lake with my family, it took everything inside of me to find something to smile about because I knew I was missing out on seeing my kids interact (G's son included) I missed them. There were days I thanked the lord for giving me the strength to say "see you later" to her. There were days that I wondered with every fiber of me had I made the right choice? My now 5 year old said "Mom some kids only have mommies and that's ok so maybe we should get on a bus and go get my sister back." Just thinking of that day and her saying that makes my heart ache. She has since been in a serious I want a sister or brother stage. Very rarely she will refer to her little sister who is 1300 miles away from us. This expirience has brought my daughter and I closer together. It has in a sence made me a better mom to her as well. I don't take a second for granted that I get to spend with her. I wouldn't miss a second of watching her grow up and she knows that. Her first day of kindergarten in this last month made my heart heavy thinking I could be holding her little sister on my hip waving her off to her first day of being a big girl. It's hard talking with people about placing my daughter. The looks some people give you is like how could you send off your own child into the world without you.. Some days I don't know the answer to that question myself. Does the pain ever go away? No you just become immune to the hole in your heart. I made it through this expirience and I continue to because that is the only choice I have. I get up some days and make the choice to put a smile on my face. I make the choice to believe that my 2nd little girl will someday know I love her as much as I love my first. I didn't "ship her off" because I didnt want her I placed her because I wanted a life for her better than one I could have given her. Do I regret my choice? Regret probably isn't the right word. A lot of days I do question if my hugs and love would have been enough for her. Turn the page and I wonder if G and I would have made her miserable and crazy. G said to me a while back that she is where she's meant to be and this is the reality the lord meant us to have. In the meantime I look forward to the pictures I receive from her family. I enjoy seeing how much she's grown. She looks like her big brother, she has G's eyes and my first daugther's skin tone. And most importantly it's very apparent that she is very happy and loved. That's all I want for my kids. -Your moon is my moon-