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kind of depends on how old M is. but she does need time to make a decision. i don't know that i would ask right away, though. when introducing the few older kids we had (we tend to specialize in the under-5 set), we would just say, 'this is Toby' or whatever. anyone who knew me already knew we were fostering and anyone who didn't know me had no need to know we were. it saved the kids the tough decision while keeping them part of us. by the way, i say the same thing for all of my kids. i also tend to say things like, 'this is my little guy, Yum.' people hear what they want--most of them hear son. i have seldom been asked. and when it happens, i just smile and let them believe what they want. good luck with M. give her space and time. treat her with respect and love. she may feel like a member of your family. and then again, she may not. it's tough sometimes.

M will be 11 next month. It comes up when we are signing her up for services and activities (gymnastics, swim lessons, library card, etc.). So we cannot always avoid the question of how we are related. Sometimes it is important that the service provider know we are foster parents, sometimes not so much. Now that she is starting school here and all the activities that go along with that...the question will come up more frequently. It is not an issue when we are just meeting friends or neighbors. Even worse people have asked HER how we are related and she says "I don't know" so I do think it is important at this point to have the conversation so she does not feel uncomfortable about situations when it comes ups. She want to be a normal kid and not having an socially acceptable and clearly identifiable relationship with her caregivers singles her out.

I don't know your FD's history, but I do think it is strange that the team wants HER to ask to be adopted. You don't want to say to someone "Please tell me you love me." You wan't them to just say it. I can't imagine how hard it must be to ask "Can I be your daughter?" I must be missing something with the team and your case, because I simply don't get whey they want a young girl to ask for acceptance. I have a STBAD here who is 9, and I see how much reassurance she needs. Almost every day I tell her "I'm never going to let you go. Never gonna happen!" I refer to her as my daughter and introduce her to everyone as my daughter. I know that she loves it. Would your team protest if you told your FD that you love her, and let her know that in your mind she is your daughter. Can you ask her if it's OK that you introduce her that way. If she says "yes" then say something like "Great! Because I'm so proud to have you as a daughter I want to shout it from the tree tops and tell the whole world." If she says "I don't know" it might be because she is insecure to say yes. Then I would say "Let's practice." Then I would pick up a doll and greet the doll saying "Hi, I'm ..... and this is my daughter ...". Then I'd ask her how that felt. If she seems agreeable, I'd jump up and down, hug her and say "Ok, it's deal then." And if the mood is appropriate, I'd introduce her to other things in the house, such as pets, stuffed animals etc." Everyone needs to know they are loved and accepted, and I think it's our job as parents to let kids know that we want them as our own.

I have to agree with jennjoom. Why is she making the decision? She may want to be adopted to be part of your family but she may also feel that she's being disloyal to her bio family.

Allowing the child to come to the decision of wanting to be adopted makes sense for children who may have attachment issues. And any child in the system is likely to have attachment issues. These kids already have so little control over their own lives, and they know it. Think of it from the child's point of view. You are suddenly moved in with people you don't know, and told that this is your new family. You now belong to them and have to love them because they are your new family. Period. That would stress out anyone! I think letting the child believe that it is just another foster placement takes the pressure off of her. Now she can concentrate on all of the other things involved with being a kid. And if/when attachment occurs, adoption can be brought up as an option, instead of a given.

She is your daughter. If she chooses to clarify she's your foster daughter, that's her choice. I think it's beneficial for you not to point out the difference and leave that to be her story to tell, or not tell, as she chooses.

Waited2long has the right of it. Her team wants her to feel like she has control. Our job is to let her know permanency is available in our home IF SHE WANTS IT. And she does. We told her that her teacher wanted to know what M wanted her to call us (by our first names, foster mom and dad or just mom and dad) and M said "That depends. Are you just fostering or are you going to adopt?" We told her that would depend on what SHE wanted to do. She told us then she would probably call us by our first names until WE decide.Later that night she asked if we would adopt her by next summer so she can have a cell phone before she starts middle school. She is still calling us by our first names but singing along to a song she pointed to the hubby when the lyrics said "daddy" and to me when they said "momma". So its coming and the question kind of resolved naturally.It was an amazing move-in weekend and first day of school went better than ANY of us hoped for her:clap: :clap:

I would tell her that you have decided you love her to be part of your family. And she is part of your family no matter what. Sharing your life with someone means you are family. If she wants your last name too, then she should let you know, and you can make it official. We always explained that whoever is doing the job of parenting gets the titles mom/dad. In public it makes things simpler. Also, my hubby and I referred to each other by those titles. So that it felt natural.Watch "White Oleander" to get a sense of it from the older child's view on foster/adoption.

How is it going?