Advertisements
Hello,
I need advice, so thank you in advance for sharing ...
I am an adoptive parent and believe strongly in adoption reform, birth parent rights, and honesty and openness in adoption. I know another couple who is going through the adoption process, and they had a devastating experience several months ago where an expectant mom changed her mind about placing her child for adoption after they had already bonded with the child. They have had no contact from expectant moms since then.
Then the other day they suddenly had two women who both wanted to match with them! One through their agency, due in several months, and one through private attorneys, due in one month. What they want to do is match with both of them so that if the one who is due in a month changes her mind, they can still have a chance of adopting the child of the one who is due in a few months. Their reasoning is that the one due in a few months will still have plenty of time to find another family. They would not tell either woman or their agency their plan.
I am actually appalled and shocked by this! It actually hurts my heart to think about. I feel like this behavior actually exemplifies the negative stereotype of unfeeling and entitled adopters who think only of themselves. I was so taken aback when they told me of these plans that I feel like I didn't speak out strongly enough against them. I did tell them that I thought it was unethical, and that it was not a good way to start an important lifelong relationship with someone, and that I was very much against this idea. But after letting the conversation sink in more, I feel like I need to do more.
So I want to speak with them again, and I want to try to help them understand the perspective of an expectant mom considering adoption. I think they are so focused on their own infertility, miscarriage, and failed adoption pain that they are losing sight of how painful and difficult it can be for a woman in a crisis pregnancy.
My son's birth mother was matched with a family before us, and they changed their mind on her and I know that it was very, very hard on her. But I can't talk to her about it because (sadly) she has closed the adoption for now (but I still remain open!). I don't pretend to know or understand the feelings of expectant moms considering adoption, that's why I need your help. I want to hear what it was like for you if you were matched with a family and then they changed their mind. I would like to use this information to help this couple to be more sensitive and ethical.
I feel a responsibility somehow to spare this woman the unnecessary pain of rejection when she's already going through so much! So thank you in advance for any insight you can share with me.
Like
Share
I am also an a-parent and this is NOT right!! No tow ways about it.
However, if they have the financial, emotional support to raise two babies...there was a family in my state that just adopted two infants born a week apart. Both bmoms knew about the double match and stayed with them. Maybe you can use this as an incentive to be totally open and honest with all parties concerned.
Other than that, please make the effort to talk to them about the wrongness of their thinking.
Advertisements
My first thought is what a way to start a lifetime relationship based on lies and deceit. What would they have felt if that is how their marriage started?
Next thought... it hurts like no other. She'd have to start all over again.
I have to wonder what the agency would think as well. That can't be great.
belleinblue1978
My first thought is what a way to start a lifetime relationship based on lies and deceit. What would they have felt if that is how their marriage started?
Next thought... it hurts like no other. She'd have to start all over again.
I have to wonder what the agency would think as well. That can't be great.
Ask her how she would feel if she found out the emom had a "first choice" family, and they were a backup in case the first choice fell through. But with this line of thinking (i.e. "they can find another family more easily than I can find another baby") I doubt anything anyone says will make them change their mind. At best, it shows a lack of understanding of the level of care that goes into choosing aparents for your child.
Awful! I would be thinking okay where do we put the 2nd crib. I think it's beyond selfish. I get protecting your heart but that child wasn't theirs. I do think that the adoption agencies do a disservice to pap's on their way to a match. They need to be reminded that the emom/edad are the parents until they decide they are not. Then they should get attached to the child. I pray for people who get matched with these types of PAP's. I just wonder how the rest of the adoption years are going to be.....
Advertisements
Our first match failed when the emom decided after birth to parent. I won't lie - I was hurt, disappointed, I cried. But honestly it wasn't nearly as bad as the last failed IVF I went through. I think that's because I never accepted that this child was mine yet. We guarded our hearts even more after that failed match but would never have considered matching with 2.
LO's bmom had PAPs back out on the pregancy before LO. They were scrambling at the last minute to find another family. It wasn't nearly as easy as you might think. See, she and dad also had to be happy with the new choice. They didn't just want to have someone, anyone adopt their child. And she felt a lot of rejection. She (LO's bmom) took is personal as though she wasn't enough and that's why the match fell through. She was still nervous during our match and I can't help but wonder if that's part of why we struggle to have an open relationship with them.
It's not right to protect themselves at the expense of someone else and that's what they are doing right now. We were told that 1 in 5 matches fail. That's 20%. You have to expect it. You prepare by not believing the child is yours until it really is. You prepare and guard your heart by staying detached and reminding yourself that this child is still theirs, that you don't have a right to it. And you keep reminding yourself how ever many times a day it takes until you get there. We were excited the first time we were matched. We weren't the second. Don't get me wrong, we were so happy when we got to take LO home, but we weren't excited leading up to it. It's hard to explain.
I don't know what words to use to explain to them how wrong this is unless they honestly intend to adopt both children.
Here's another part of the issue - how can they afford to keep both options open. I'm used to having to make the final payment of all fees 30 days before. . . . . Haven't they had to pay at least half of both? I can't imagine how you could pull this off financially.
Well I talked with them. I was nervous but I really laid it all out there. I emphasized how painful, upsetting, and scary it could be for an expectant mom making an adoption plan to have the rug suddenly ripped out from under her and to have to start all over. I also talked about how much lying would have to be involved, and how hurt their future adopted child or that child's birth mother could feel if those lies were brought to light. I told them strongly how much I objected to this. They told me they appreciated me being straight with them and that I brought up things that they hadn't considered and that they would talk about it again. It seemed like they really had a shift in their perception after I had said my peace.I don't think they will go through with it now. But if they do, I think I might actually have to call their agency (which was my agency) and let them know. Because our agency is VERY into honesty and transparency and they would not allow this. I hope it doesn't come to that!Thank you all for your replies. <3
My first concern for your friend is that they bonded with a child not yet born. This is not bonding with a child but fulfilling their own dream of what they want. Sorry to put it that way, but since adoption should be about children needing homes and not couples needing children I thought it prudent to point that out.
I worry about your friends and worry about the children they may potentially adopt and the families of these children. If they are playing the game of odds in hoping they will get a child it really shows that they are looking out for their best interests. They are placing their needs before any others. Not a good start.
I really hope they do not meet an expectant mother and instead just try to adopt children already available for adoption.
Advertisements