Depressed - today is my daughter's birthday

I am so very sorry. I know how much it hurts because my relationship with the son I gave up to adoption back in 1972 severed our 23-year-long reunion. It's a pain unlike any other I've ever experienced. And his birthday was painful beyond description. Hang in there, and take gentle care of yourself. :loveyou:

I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts.Happy Birthday to your daughter from me too.

I continue to appreciate any kind words. I can't be lieve anyone but people who have experienced this truly know what this is like. my daughter - she has rage, says she doesn't care, doesn't love anyone, tells me to leave her alone. She is in so much pain, so am I and nothing can be done. I just get through the days right now. Such a terrible experience but how could I ever say she wasn't worth it. Even after what has been said and done. Awful, all of it.

Wish I could give you a hug and I do understand how you feel. My son is an angry person and blames others for everything for what's wrong in his life. In 2008 his adoptive parents told me that my husband and I got it far worse than they did. I haven't had contact with him for some time because of his anger and nastiness.

the nastiness is so bad I won't repeat it online. it is strange - to tell someone you have a right to be angry, talk to me, it is ok to express it. but when they do it is twisted, almost threatening. just shocking and horrible. yelling, irrational how could you haves, ignoring the known reasons. I expected that. not this. not being degraded and threatened. if this was a test, I guess I have failed. because I can't allow myself to be treated this way. I withdraw.

You haven't failed, you have tried. I've felt like that time and time again so I do understand. At the same time it's okay to put yourself first at times. Nobody could have prepared us for how our children feel about being adopted and reunion as there are so many scenarios. I remember as if it was yesterday being told that my son would be happy and he might be too happy with his adoptive family to want to search. He admits he has had a good life, is loved and is loyal to his a-family which I expected. I also expected anger from him but wasn't prepared for the extent of the anger. Our children have the right to their feelings but on the other hand we don't deserve the constant nastiness.

This is so hard. I understand some of how you feel. I offered to be a safe place for my cousin who was struggling with losing her children. She was so angry. I intended to just let her talk, but when she started the anger just poured out like a raging flood. I wasn't responsible for what had happened, but her anger was practically attacking me just in it's tone and intensity. I had to pull back from being her safe place because I didn't feel I was helping and I can't handle that type of anger outburst. When I was little - 2 to 3 - I was really angry I'm told due to the trauma that had occured in my life. That anger ebbed and flowed through more trauma and into my pre-teen years. I was 12 when I decided I didn't want to be bitter and I needed to find a way to release my anger. I can remember taking a stick and just beating a tree until all my anger was gone. I just didn't know any other way to let it go. Over time I found healthier ways to release my anger and my hurt. My mom and I had some rocky years as her decisions directly caused or allowed all of the trauma in my life. Now over 30 years later, we have a good relationship. I still get angry, hurt and frustrated with her when she goes back into the "whys" of her decisions. I don't care about the whys. Sometimes I just want my feelings to be validated and left to stand as they are without her excuses. I want to talk about how what just happened with Baby Veronica triggered feelings about things that happened early in my life without having to hear how she did the best she could. I know and accept that fact - I'm just tired of hearing it everytime I try to talk about how I'm feeling. It takes the focus off me and puts it back on her. She'll just never be able to have that conversation like I want. Since I love her, I accept it and move on. My situation is different. I was a step parent adoptee. My mom abandoned me for 4 years with family, but she didn't place me for adoption. Sometimes though, the feelings are really similar. I hope for your daughter's sake that she can find a way to forgive the hurts she feels you caused and that she finds a way to release that anger rather than hold on to it. In the meantime, you haven't failed. You are important, just as important as your daughter. You have a right to be happy, to not be emotionally berated, to not be put down, to be accepted as a person who did the best they could at the time as the person you were then. You deserve to have it recognized that you aren't the same person now, that you've grown, you've changed. Maybe you would make the same decision, maybe you wouldn't. But in the end, you have to do what is best for you right now. Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself.