I could just cry...

How are you doing today?

Okay, I suppose. Hubby agreed to finish the classes and get licensed. He said he wants to fill out the child characteristic checklist because he thinks that he will be more realistic than me. I don't know what he's going to say today though. He's a police officer and was on a domestic call last night. A teenage girl split her foster dad's head open. So now I'm sure he's having second thoughts again.

When I was a teen I threw a stapler at my uncles face and gave him a black eye and cut on his forehead. Tell him biological kids can do that too. Glad you guys are finishing though

When i was a teenager, i kicked the back door in because i left something locked in the house and blamed it on a "burglar". All teenagers are deviant. It's just a matter of degree. :evilgrin: Hang in there...your hubby sees a LOT of bad stuff so it may take him a little longer to come around.

My Dh is LE so he's seen everything as well. My Dh is actually the reason why we are foster parents today. I was the heistant one @ first. Once I got into class, I was kicking myself for taking soo long. Here's what changed while we were in class: our age range. Everything else remained the same including ethnicity(AA only), siblings, Mental health background. We were originally only going to foster 1-4yrs. Our first placement is a sibling set of 15mo/4mo. Although Dh complains that we should've stuck w/ our original age range(4mo sleeps in our rm), life as new parents have been relative easy. In regards, to the timeissue. Since we are both fulltime WP, we had to find the right placement that worked for the children and ourselves. Luckily we only have once a week visits. We see one SW 2x/mo and the other only 1x/mo. Most ppl would never know that we are a foster family because our lives are rarely intruded upon.

If he doesn't want to do it, I wouldn't force the issue. He may have thought it was a good idea back then, but things change... people change. If he isn't into it now, he isn't going to be into it once a child is in your home. I think you would start to resent him! (You'd be doing all the work.) It just doesn't sound like a happy situation...

It seems I read on these boards a lot that DH is often more hesitant of the couple. Mine was the same. It took us seven years of marriage before we were ready to even begin classes. Then during classes and licensing, he complained so much about the process, I felt sure he was trying to get out of it. We argued a LOT. I would just say LISTEN to his feelings and every single one of his fears/concerns. Talk about what you will do if those situations arise. Assure him you respect his opinions and will not pressure him into a placement he does not feel he can parent when the time comes. I don't think it is an issue with your marriage. One of the things they drilled into us when we were going thru classes was "know your family" and the subject matter REALLY makes you delve deeper into yourself and your spouse to figure out what you can handle. And what you can't. It SHOULD do that! It doesn't hurt to go through the classes. Even once you finish it may take MONTHS to get your license. It took us six. And then, depending on your your placement criteria, many more months to get a placement. We were pre-adoptive only and it took a year and a half to meet M. There were other potential matches that I would have taken a chance on that he immediately vetoed. I HAD to respect his opinion. We HAD to be in agreement on any placement. He still says our life was easier before we became parents. He will in a fight remind me this was "my idea." He is bonding much more slowly than me. All those concerns are still there, though now they are more manageable because the "unknowns" are fewer. DH is great with M and she adores him. And eventually the bond WILL come, but it will take more time. It breaks my heart that he doesn't feel as deeply connected as I already do, but then I don't always feel the bond myself, so I cannot fault him. But if we had not been 100% on the same page, this would have ZERO chance of working.

I totally agree with this. One of our contention points is that I don't care about the race of the child but dh wants a lighter skinned child who matches us more closely. His reasons are valid--doesn't want the child to HAVE to share his adoption with strangers. He also doesn't want to HAVE to fend off questions (though that is more of his introverted nature lol) Men are also very very different from women in "how" they attach. There is a saying in the pregnancy circles that a woman is a mother from the moment she discovers she is pregnant and a man is a father the moment he meets his baby. Now yes that is a generalization but it is true to a degree. Plus men like "fix" things. So even if he attached/attaches quickly he will want to vanquish those nightmares and trauma and he can't. This is was my husband's issue too when we dealt with infertility, it was something he couldn't ride in and save me from. Tears were and still continue to be uncomfortable for him when they come from me. Ultimately you MUST know your relationship, family, dynamics, etc. You should see when dh and his father get together. Somehow they can both go days and days without saying a word, or communicate via grunts. He is absolutely his father's son. I look forward to talking with my mother in law, or going to get "coffee" with family and just chatting. We are just different and this process will bring out our differences. Which reminds me, I need to get dh on board with reading some of the parenting through trauma books.

He was very much one of the fathers who didn't really become a father until after our daughter was born. We fought SO much when I was pregnant, and this does kind of remind me of that. We've already discussed a lot of this stuff before even starting the classes. I work in a residential treatment facility for foster children. I know there are some things that we simply cannot handle. Tonight we have the "parenting children who have been sexually abused" class. I know we cannot handle a child who acts out sexually. That is absolutely a limit for him and me both. We already agreed on that before we started...but he uses this issue/class to say that he can't do this. I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to call the whole thing off and say we'll revisit in a year or two (I do not want that at all..), and then part of me thinks that he will come around. Our classes are only good for one year, so we don't really have the option to wait without having to retake them.

My DH has generally been on the same page as I on the 'big picture' goal of adopting a child, but the process of getting homestudied and filling out all the paperwork, background checks, medical tests, etc. has been a real challenge for him. He told me (and I know it is true) that he would have given up if it was just up to him. He has always hated jumping through bureaucratic hoops and he's not a fan of going to the doctor either. The classes were actually very helpful for him, because hearing about all the awful things that happen to children motivated him to complete the process, even the parts he didn't really enjoy. He told me that he thought about "our" (as yet unknown to us) child who is out there somewhere, scared and hurt and unloved, and it gave him the push he needed to fill out yet another form, etc. I don't know if that is of any help to you, since it sounds like your husband is more concerned about the nuts and bolts of actually having a child in your home than needing motivation to get through the process, but maybe if you change the focus from "what will be required of you, can you do it?" to "there is a kid out there who needs you, will you help?" it will put a different perspective on it for him.

Re. classes being good for one year, you might want to get more details about requirements to keep your license. Here, we don't have to go through MAPP again unless our license lapses, but there are a number of con ed hours required each year to keep it current and a few things that have to be re-uped (like CPR) every two years. These are MUCH easier to do than the initial hurdle of getting licensed. One thing that is not required to keep a license current is having a foster child in the home:cheer:

He doesn't want to get licensed. He wants to take the classes "for the education" and then retake them when he decides he's ready. It makes zero sense to me. In order to keep the license current, we have to take 40 hours of continuing education every two years. Our agency offers classes once a month that are 3 hours, so we would have the opportunity to do that. We both have CPR for our jobs, so that's not an issue at all. I don't understand his reasoning behind it, but I really don't have any other choice than to just accept it.

I am sorry you are going through this, but he doesn't want to be a foster parent. A little doubts and worries are normal, but backing out several times means he doesn't want to do it. It sounds like he actually told you that (when he said he was "going along" to make you happy). It will not be good for the kids or your marriage (and bio-kid) if you continue. I am sorry:confused: You may need to enter counseling to work through your disappointment.

This right here makes me think that there's more to his "story" than the classes or what he's admitting to you. If he can't even enjoy time with his biological family, that shows that issues are present outside of the foster care training. And until he deals with whatever that is, I don't think it's fair to bring another child into the mix. Perhaps he realizes something isn't right inside himself and that's why he keeps stopping the classes. My husband wasn't 100% on board either. He was worried about time & money & space & our BD's feelings and a ton of other things. It wasn't until we had a chance to sit down alone with the licensing Rep who did our orientation class that hubby got his questions answered & felt a lot better. We didn't know we could be so selective. We didn't know that the free counseling the agency offers to its foster kids would also be offered to our BD. We didn't realize we weren't the first ones with so many concerns - they had a Protocol for all of them. Hubby left that meeting SO much more relieved and 110% on board! Maybe a 1 on 1 talk with someone at the agency will help your hubby too. Whatever is going on, I wish you the best. I would definitely clear up his concerns before proceeding, though - otherwise it will be very clear to the child that your husband doesn't want her there, and no foster child deserves to feel that way.

My hubby was the same way... on board, then cold feet over and over! It was sooo frustrating. We got licensed and now have two little sisters that he's pretty head-over-heels for. I guess my advice would be to just be very specific about the age and issues your family can handle. Our list is quite narrow because we have young biological children and it's totally okay. They need help in every age group! Hang in there.