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My husband and I are talking to our foster son about adoption after he turns 18. He just came to live with us last year and will be 18 in a few months. He has lots of contact with his birth family - good relationships there. His mom lost custody of he and his siblings on and off throughout his life because of drugs. When he came to live with us from a group home, he had not lived with her in 5 years - and had not had any contact with her in 18 months. But still...she is his mom. Our home has provided a consistency that has been missing in his life since he was 4. We have talked about adoption and want it to be HIS choice (because so much in his life has been controlled by other people). He said sure, but then I mentioned that his birth certificate would change. That his mother and father's names would be removed and mine and my husbands would be put there instead. That made him stop. I can tell he likes the idea of us adopting him, but somehow making his mom "not" his mom anymore... Has anyone on here been part of the "choice" of their adoption? How did you feel about the amended birth certificate? How did you move past that? Thanks! Katherine
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katherine726
Has anyone on here been part of the "choice" of their adoption? How did you feel about the amended birth certificate? How did you move past that?
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Katherine, I can see how hard it would be to have his birth certificate changed - it would seem weird. Growing up I see a whole lot of value in having the same last name - and the legal parents listed (although they wish they would list all parents). Do YOU need to see your name on the birth certificate - you need to answer that for yourself - not answer here. If not, you need to ask the courts if you can adopt without changing the birth certificate - honestly they should be open to differences as it would be an adult adoption and the best interests isn't applicable. If he wants to change his surname then that isn't a big deal without or without changing his birth certificate - it can be done with the adoption/name change. There should be flexibility with adult adoptions - and it shouldn't have to sever one family line to add another. California just changed the law to allow for more than two parents on the birth certificate - perhaps your state could allow for that on adult adoptions or a one-off. The alternative is permanent legal guardianship...? At the end of the day though - what is in your heart and how you define who your family is really what it is all about - perhaps a legal guardianship with you swearing before a court of law that you are his parents is the needed extra for him to feel secure and permanently part of your family? Relationships don't last because of a piece of paper - they last because of the relationship. Hope you all find a solution. Kind regards,Dickons
katherine726
We have talked about adoption and want it to be HIS choice (because so much in his life has been controlled by other people). He said sure, but then I mentioned that his birth certificate would change. That his mother and father's names would be removed and mine and my husbands would be put there instead. That made him stop.
He will be keeping his last name if we adopt him. That's a request from him and we don't have a problem with that. There is a lot of stability that will come from us being his legal parents. We are his legal guardians right now, but once he turns 18 that ends. Then his mother (not reliable) and his father (has seen him about 5 times since the age of 4) would have legal say in an emergency. We would have nothing. Plus we can't really give him our protection moving forward without the adoption - car insurance, health insurance, and other legal situations arise. In Georgia, the law is that in an adoption, even an adult one, the birth certificate changes. We have let him know that there is no time limit to our offer of adoption. We can make it happen when he turns 18 - or wait until (and if) he is ready. I think it will be a bigger emotional deal than he realizes. Even though it's a piece of paper, he is rejecting his birth mother and father in a real way. Thanks for your help. Though I have a sister through adult adoption it was a kinship adoption and was a little different. Plus she had lived with my family from the age of 4.
If it is what to do in case of emergency - you just get a competent estate lawyer to draw up specific powers of attorney - probably can be an all in one (?). You need one for medical decisions, one for if he gets sick or incapacitated to control his finances and property (saves you from having to have him declared incompetent (need doctor and court for that)), one in case he has any children in the future and wants to list you as guardians - just had to go through that with mom. Basically do a very simple will for him with designated powers. Kind regards,Dickons
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What is it like to be "in on the choice" as an adoptee? this is such an interesting question, Katherine, and one that I have thought a lot about. I was adopted by my Grandfather and his second wife when I ten years old, and it was presented to me as My choice. My sister and I were living with them at the time, as my bparents were unstable, and for all the insurance/legal/emergency reasons, they offered to adopt us. I waffled for a very long time. The deciding factor for me was that my sister immediately wanted to be adopted. So if she wasn't adopted and I was, then I would become her niece. which would have been ridiculous. That was the real reason I decided to go through with it. Because I didn't want to be my sister's niece. It was a piece of paper and a name change. It made operational things easier for everyone-- healthcare, school enrollment, permission slips, college applications. I didn't think it would be a big deal. But it was. I have struggled with that choice ever since the adoption papers were signed. It took a serious toll on my identity and perception of self. I felt opportunistic and judgmental of my birthparents, who gave me life, the people whose faces I saw every time I looked in a mirror. Honestly, twenty-one years later, I am still deeply ambivalent about the choice I made. and unlike other adoptees who can go through a process of anger at bparents and aparents, then reach a resolution and acceptance, I feel that I had a harder struggle b/c the person who I blame the most is myself. There is a word for it-- and it's not a pretty one-- self-loathing. It is really destructive to be disappointed in yourself. It is more difficult to ask for and receive forgiveness, and longer to reach resolution. It's very hard for a person to deal with, and very rare that you will find a person to commiserate with. Luckily, I had my sister, but it was still a long process for both of us. From your post it seems that you already sense some unease from your foster-son. It is probably very hard for him to unpack his emotions completely on this question. It might be worthwhile to exhaust other options before putting the boy in a situation where he could feel he is trading in his unstable family for a 'better' one. And he has to know that he won't lose you if he decides not to go through with it.
Hi Katherine, I side with you even tho its understandable how your son may feel about giving up his birth name.The Fed Govt has become very interested in who it's citizens say they are. As a result more and more proof is required just to get a simple thing such as a drivers license. This is particularly true in any case in which proof of identity is required, such as drivers licenses, passports, college entrances, etc.In terms of your sons decision, it's important that what ever name he chooses, he identifies with that name and uses it. It's important that his BC name and his signature match.To have a BC provide 1 name, and a signature in another, calls into question who he really is.There have been cases where women have had difficulty getting passports because their names changed after they were married.It's unfortunate that your son has to make these kinds of choices. But it's not possible to have it both ways.Additionally as he goes through school, his diplomas and other school mementos should be in whatever name he uses for identification.I wish you the best.