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I'm new here, and I'm not adopted, but I wanted to ask the community their opinion so that I can be appropriately sensitive to a situation.
I've recently started seeing someone who on our first date mentioned he was adopted (when I commented that he is the spitting image of his older brother). We didn't really get into talking about it since it was a first date, but naturally, I have more questions. We've been going out for a few months now, and the topic hasn't come up again. We're still pretty early on in the relationship (and he may have even forgotten that he told me!), so I don't want to come off as pushy, but how can I help but be curious?
He seems well adjusted and comfortable with his very loving family. (Granted we are both transplants to Hawaii, thousands of miles away from our families) When and how would it be appropriate to bring it up that I'm curious? I understand that it's a sensitive topic, so I want to make sure that I approach it carefully and respectfully. It's an area that I am completely unfamiliar with.
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Considering he brought it up on the first date, it doesn't seem like a sensitive topic for him but rather just an interesting tidbit about himself that he shared. Sounds like he shared it in the same context he shared any other information - how many siblings he has, where he grew up etc.?
You could just say "hey, on our first date you mentioned you were adopted, and I just wondered if it was something you ever talk about?" and let him take the reins there.:)
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And, just keep in mind that he may not know much about the reason for his adoption or about his biological family. Usually, when someone says I look just like a relative, I, too, correct them. But, that doesn't mean that I want to have a whole discussion about being adopted. I have to say that most people in my life haven't been all that curious about my life as an adoptee. I think you should get clear about what you're curious about. What exactly is it that you want to know?I'm concerned about a few things you've said or implied. I personally don't want to be seen as a curiosity. Having been adopted at birth, an adoptive family is all I know. To me, it's not a curiosity. It's just a fact of my life. But, what really stood out to me was this statement: "He SEEMS well adjusted and comfortable with his very loving family." When you've dated a non-adoptee, have you thought he SEEMS happy? He SEEMS well adjusted?He SEEMS comfortable?In other words, is there something you are fearful of discovering down the line? Before asking him questions, think about what you really want to know and why you want to know it. Is it just idle curiosity, or are you worried about something?
And, just keep in mind that he may not know much about the reason for his adoption or about his biological family. Usually, when someone says I look just like a relative, I, too, correct them. But, that doesn't mean that I want to have a whole discussion about being adopted. I have to say that most people in my life haven't been all that curious about my life as an adoptee. I think you should get clear about what you're curious about. What exactly is it that you want to know?I'm concerned about a few things you've said or implied. I personally don't want to be seen as a curiosity. Having been adopted at birth, an adoptive family is all I know. To me, it's not a curiosity. It's just a fact of my life. But, what really stood out to me was this statement: "He SEEMS well adjusted and comfortable with his very loving family." When you've dated a non-adoptee, have you thought he SEEMS happy? He SEEMS well adjusted?He SEEMS comfortable?In other words, is there something you are fearful of discovering down the line? Before asking him questions, think about what you really want to know and why you want to know it. Is it just idle curiosity, or are you worried about something?