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So earlier this week M had an altercation at school and didn't want to say her last name when a teacher asked for it. She told me it was because she didn't like her last name. It was associated with bad memories. I asked her if she would want our last name when we adopted her. She said YES. I then asked if she would want to start using it sooner except for "official" material. She again said YES. I told her we would see what her CW said about that.
Today we got permission. I told M about it and she said nothing. I told her to let me know if she wanted to start using it because I would need to let the school know. I then moved on. She didn't bring it up again. :confused:
Today in therapy, her therapist mentioned that I wanted to be her "heart mom". When we got home, I relayed this to DH and added "and it follows that you want to be her heart dad." She said she still did not understand what that meant (though she told me on the way home from therapy she did - I think she just wanted to go over it with DH).
We told her that meant we knew could never be her biological parents, but that we wanted to be her forever mom and dad - to love and take care of her and raise her as our own. She then asked "Are you sure about that?" We said "Absolutely." She said again, "Positive?" We said "Yes, are YOU sure?"
She said she didn't know. :( Ouch.
Man it hurts to say "I Love You" every night and not hear it back (though we do get hugs in return). Or to hear "I will just go live somewhere else" when tempers flare. This gig requires thick skin.
I know she is scared we are going to bail on her. She does not understand why we would put up with her, what value we see in her, and how she adds to our life. She told me today when she changed her order at the Burger King window and the cashier had to ring it up again "I am too much trouble." It is becoming a familiar sentiment.
We were discussing respite with her CW today for a business trip coming up and she overheard and asked, "Where are you moving me?!" I wish I could take this fear away from her :(
I told her today that she was not expected. She was selected. I told her about reading her profile and telling my best friend she was "the one" and what we had thought was so special about her. About how nervous I had been about meeting her for the first time. I had never been so scared of the opinion of a 10 year old in my life! She thought that was pretty funny.
Sometimes I just want to ask her: Do you think you might love me just a little? Do you think you ever might want to call Mom? Will ever you consider us your forever family?
Other times I think I don't need to ask because I just KNOW the answer is "Of course she will!"
We are working on getting into attachment therapy in addition to equine, though I honestly feel like we are attaching pretty darn well for this stage in the placement. Doesn't mean I don't wish for it to go faster!:moped:
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I am just starting this whole process of foster to adopt, and as much as I dread the realization of attachment issues, your post gives me much hope! You are a strong woman and I admire your resilience and honesty! I pray that your daughter quickly realizes all that you are showing her about the strength of your love as parents! Best of luck and again, thank you for the inspirational attitude towards this!
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Hang in there! My son moved in at fifteen, adopted at sixteen, and we have had ALL the conversations you reported and many, many more. Pay particular attention to the "I'm too much trouble" and "Are you sure?" statements as they tell you the most. For my son, he could not tell me he loved me, or call me "Mom", until he started to believe, just a little, that he wasn't too much trouble and that I was very sure he would stay with me forever.For my son, it was just too much of a risk to say anything. For him, it felt like a set up to be hurt. Perhaps your daughter is having some of the same feelings. "Why do you love me?", "Why don't you just get rid of me?", "I'm so much trouble", "If I do THIS, that will make you get rid of me", and so on and so on.You're doing great! Hang in there! I think she's testing the waters, trying to find out who you really are (as opposed to who she is afraid you might be), what you look like when you're angry (and what you might do), what will be the "last straw" for you. And once you prove, over and over again, that you are there for her, she will be willing to risk her heart one last time.Our kids are so remarkable. They are so brave. So are you, Momma!
Thanks. It has gotten SO much harder since I posted this a month ago. So many demands, so much rudeness, backtalk, and meanness with seemingly little bonding. And weekly tantrums, physical volatility. We almost disrupted on Sunday (we would have if we had been able to get anyone to come get her). We begin in home therapy next week and will be getting respite EVERY weekend this month. We are hoping this will give us enough distance to gain some indifference to her behaviors and preserve the placement. We are hoping to see an improvement in behaviors or some significant sign of attachment soon, either really at this point. So tired. Really looking forward to getting some R&R this weekend.
millie58
actually, I believe she is bonding. She's letting go of the anger from all the other crap she's gone through. Then, she'll test you just to make sure you won't bail. But when the anger is gone and she feels safe, you'll see a different kid.
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The holidays are really hard on some kids. And the closer you get to the child, the harder they kick and scream and try and push you away. It's really, really, difficult. If you can, keep hanging on. Use the resources available to you, like respite, and recharge your batteries. I don't know if it will help you, but I always try and remember that my son does everything for a reason - even if I don't understand it at the time. And he is doing the best he can. Oh yes, and it's not about me. I didn't cause the trauma. But his reactions are sometimes aimed at me because I'm here and now.My thoughts are with you.