Kid with RAD? Told to run away screaming

Well, she's seen kids like this and you haven't. So to "get up to speed" to understand what she's seen, you can read "tell all" type books about RAD children. The books will paint pictures of how these kids act in real families. "Don't Touch My Heart" is short, easy to read, very helpful. I think it republished with a new name. "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel A. Hughes is just wonderful, a classic, and shows the kind of sacrifices a parent and counselor make to heal such a child. It makes clear you need a treatment team, including the SW, to succeed. (Is this what you want to do as a parent?) Both books paint a picture of the child's life *before* foster care, which would be so helpful for you to understand, as some version of that will probably be true for any child you get. The deal with RAD is it's nearly impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't *lived* it. The short answer is, yes, it is that bad. Reading about it can help you gain some understanding. Healing it is not really for first time parents, it's arduous.

Id also agree -- unless you have EXTREME skills, run the other direction

I specialize in RAD kiddos! I am also a therapist.... On a day to day basis the kiddos I have now have history of fire setting...theft...property destruction...major power struggles lasting up to TEN hours.... The kids I have in my home are successful in my home BUT it's ran close to a jail....alarms on doors...security cameras throughout....daily rewards.....backpacks pockets checked....and a black and white schedule... It is doable I love my RAD kids...but I've had cars keyed....holes in wall...cruelty attempted towards my animals....ex gf windshield smashed out....running away all WITH my level of supervision.

Some of the fun things I and other parents who are raising kids who have been diagnosed with RAD: Pee - in air vents, in carpets, on the floor, under the mattress, on piles of clean towels in the linen closet (even girls have managed some impressive feats of pee) in baskets of clean clothes, in your shampoo bottle (or conditioner, body soap, perfume, coffee cup, water bottle, juice, your shoes etc). Poop - pretty much everywhere they pee, and used as wall decorations. Screaming for hours, stealing - even stuff it makes no sense to steal, lying (again even about stuff that it makes no sense to lie about), sexual acting out - which could be anything from simple public masturbation to attempting to have six with pets and other children and other adults or just grabbing privates of random kids and adults. Fire starting, cutting of clothing and skin and hair and bedding and books and photos. (you would need to keep knives, scissors and razors locked up), self harm which would include pulling out hair, eyelashes, finger and toenails, scratching, picking at scabs, head banging etc. Food issues which can range from refusing to eat for weeks to gorging and stealing food and eating anything they can get their hands on. Oh and they can be violent and they often tell lies about their care takers. Anything from ripping their shoes and telling the school nurse that they don't have any without holes, hiding a jacket or lunch and telling people at school mom wouldn't give them one, to showing self inflicted bruises to teachers and telling them parents did it. Breaking things, windows, doors, dressers, toys, computers, phones, tv's radios, etc. Sometimes they will take things like phones or jewlery and flush them down the toilet or throw them away or give them away at school. I know one mom who is very grateful to the mother of the kindergarten girl that her adopted son gave her wedding ring to. That mom recognized the ring as a real diamond ring and took it from her daughter and called the other mom who had been frantically searching the help. The whole time the boy was pretending to help search. It can be done, but you will want to be well educated and have a good support group and people who can help you out sometimes.

Ah yes the poop smearing!! Flushing down the toilet is common as well- ...there goes your debit card!!! Hide your purse and wallets :) My bedroom is locked at all times, also anything they "cant" have access too- my purse, money, anything valuable they will hide...or throw away.

short answer: YES!! long answer: read the PP posts. there is no 'saving' in a RAD kid. It's not 'all he needs is love' ever... he will destroy you, your house, your marriage, your sanity. you will become a person, you hate. You will never be able to be yourself, ever. You will become a permanent prison guard, constantly looking over your shoulder... and no matter how hard you try, how many counselors you might hire, how many books you read, how many different parenting attempts you try, it will not work.. nothing will change.. the sad part is, you will probably NOT BE TOLD that a child has RAD. So, you won't find out, until they are in your home, and start the cycle.... and when it's all said and done, YOU will feel guilty, YOU will be looked at like YOU can't deal with a bunch of kids, it's all YOUR FAULT. listen to your CW friend. She is right.

Wow. Good to know. She isn't a caseworker. She's a legal aid paperwork person. So I wasn't sure how credible her advice would be. Obviously more so than I though. I will add "Any reason to believe this child has RAD?" to my list of pre placement questions. I definitely think that would be beyond my control to handle as a first timer. Thank you for the replies. You guys really are going to be my :wings: :wings: :wings: in this adventure. :prop:

I would run. But you should look into RADS, you might understand why she told you that.

We don't run and have adopted a RAD kiddo who is completely healed and will be adopting another RAD kiddo within the next 90 days :))))These kids will be the hardest kids you have ever parented in your life. They are also the most rewarding. (in my experience) RAD is tricky. We've fostered and worked with many children with RAD and other attachment problems and, honestly, I think the fear of them is over dramatized. I honestly do.I've had kids kill animals, attempt to 'shank' me, kill siblings (not in our home), pee, vomit, fling poop at me, destroy furniture, walls, windows, clothing, and other possessions, and have tantrums that last All. Day. Long. We've also had the gift of stabilizing these behaviors relatively quickly. It's A LOT of hard work and constantly being 'on your toes', but it CAN be done. We and our children are proof of that.If you have genuine love for these kids, a calm demeanor (these kids will eat inconsistency or unsurity alive) and the ability to physically keep yourself and your children/pets safe, go for it. You may have the gift :)

I wish I could visit rogue. I don't even think mine are RAD, just attachment issues and anxiety (and one of them a touch of something else major that I don't know what to call yet). And though we have a good deal of control and the kids seem quite "normal" sometimes, we also have everything Sheena describes, break through behaviors, and each time we let our guard down, get majorly gutted (the last week has been so horribly scary). My kids have made amazing progress. I only wish I could say one was healed.

I would also research about traumatized children. Our FD is under the age of two and was neglected and traumatized. Play therapy has been benefical for us both because she has begun to heal and I've learned how to assisted in her healing as well as parent a traumatized child.

RAD is an extremely challenging disorder, to put it mildly. As someone who works with children with RAD (as well as other mental health disorders,) I wouldn't agree that every foster family should immediately dismiss the possibility of parenting every child with RAD. I would, however, suggest doing a great deal of reading and research so you're aware of what you'd likely be getting into, including worse-case scenarios. I would also suggest that in most cases, a child with RAD would not be a good fit for first time foster parents. Obviously there are exceptions to this, but in general I think the odds of success are better if children with RAD are placed in an experienced foster home that has previously successfully dealt with challenging behaviors.

I agree with this. I disrupted on a child with RAD early on in my foster mom life. I was not equipped to parent him at that time. I think I could parent a child with this problem now, if the child was the only child in the home. It was nerve wracking for *me* worrying about the safety of the other kids. I was NOT TOLD he had RAD. I found out after placement, when his health passport came to me. I had already put in my notice due to his behaviors. I almost quit fostering I was so angry they didn't disclose the RAD and PTSD. County worker blamed it on my agency. Agency blamed it on the County worker. :mad: Edited he had RAD, not he was RAD. It's a pet peeve of mine. Our children are not their diagnosis.

Thank you for the honesty in the previous posts. I can only imagine, and my imaginings are likely a million miles from the reality that a family with a member who has RAD lives with every day.

Not all social workers know what RAD is or that the child has it. When we were adopting I did quite a lot of research. I learned about RAD and some of the behaviors. When we were told about the behaviors of a particular little boy, he showed classic signs of RAD (fires, fecal matter on walls, acting out sexually...). I had to explain RAD to the DSS worker. We adopted dd (11) at 21 months and ds (10) at 11 months. No one had any idea they were going to end up with RAD. They are not nearly as severe as some. I believe that is due to very strict parenting. We have video cameras and alarm on pantry door. DD (11) is worse than DS. She lies and steals for silly reasons that make no sense. She is a master manipulator. DS has shown bullying behavior in school this year but we were on top of it quickly. We have had poop on floor and walls a few times and general poor hygiene. Everyone has a therapist. It is stressful but the school system has been helpful. I love them dearly but sometimes question if I would do it all over again. I would definitely hesitate. They have a good side. They are wonderful with younger kids. They are very loving. They seem to want to please me. Crazy enough I am begging hubby for another one. He is saying no but I will keep trying.