i can't get out of my own way

December 13, 2013

i feel like a stray dog.

my adoptive family is awesome, my parents have gone through so much to give me this life. my big bro has always been there for me, and in fact i've been crashing on his couch for the past few months since i've left my hometown to move across country.

but despite having these awesome people in my life that took me in, i can't stop chewing up shoes and peeing on the rug (for lack of a better analogy)

i was a horribly behaved kid; smoking pot by age 12, alcohol poisoning in high school, getting arrested for stealing a car in high school, disciplinary issues all the way from elementary school on.

i've had amazing girlfriends, who were nothing but sweet to me. i became way over jealous, to the point of it wrecking the relationship.

i was offered an amazing job, had a great group of friends, had a great apartmentŅessentially life was perfect in Denver, before i sold everything and moved to Maryland.

So my life story is one of self sabotage, where it seems that I'm constantly ruining everything good that I have going for me, wether intentionally or not. I can't get out of my own way.

thanks for reading:) writing this was helpful for me.

Caroline Sitta

December 14, 2013

Hi Fifty-two-eighty,

In the past I have definitely had bouts of self-sabotage as well. It is possible through self-searching and self-awareness to greatly reduce the power these tendencies have over you.

One question you might ask is, "What do I get out of ______ behavior?" Sometimes that yields surprising answers... at least, I know it did for me.

Best wishes to you. I hope something in here is helpful.

And welcome to the group. :)

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emerald23

December 15, 2013

Welcome to the boards.

I'm sorry that you've been walking a difficult road - and that you feel like you've been throwing up your own road blocks along the way.

This sounds like something you might want to discuss with a good therapist, since it's impacted so much of your life. Someone who can help you get to the bottom of these self-destructive behaviors, and help you learn new ones. Healthier ones, and happier ones.

People here on these boards are very helpful and I'm sure we'll all be happy to lend a listening ear.

I hope you'll find a better, happier path to follow...

Laurie_Colton

December 16, 2013

fifty-two-eighty

i feel like a stray dog.

but despite having these awesome people in my life that took me in, i can't stop chewing up shoes and peeing on the rug (for lack of a better analogy)

i was a horribly behaved kid; smoking pot by age 12, alcohol poisoning in high school, getting arrested for stealing a car in high school, disciplinary issues all the way from elementary school on.

i've had amazing girlfriends, who were nothing but sweet to me. i became way over jealous, to the point of it wrecking the relationship.

i was offered an amazing job, had a great group of friends, had a great apartmentŅessentially life was perfect in Denver, before i sold everything and moved to Maryland.

So my life story is one of self sabotage, where it seems that I'm constantly ruining everything good that I have going for me, wether intentionally or not. I can't get out of my own way.

thanks for reading:) writing this was helpful for me.

It's always better to vent out your past as this would make you feel light and happy. It happens I would say. We all pass those phases in some way or the other and face multiple problems as well. We all have stories but at the end of day if we start making leap towards becoming a good person, everything seems to be fine and working out.

murphymalone

December 17, 2013

Your first sentence resonated. I know exactly what you mean. I went through a period in my life where I didn't believe I deserved anyone who would treat me well.

I eventually took off and lived in Calgary. Picked up and left everything rather than go through a messy divorce. I was always feeling like a dog at the table waiting for scraps.

I went through panic attacks; basically living a Type A risk taker existence for awhile. I think I was on a path of self-destruction but somehow I survived.

I found a counsellor and worked through my issues.

Abandonment, self esteem stuff that manifested itself in pushing people away before they had a chance to leave. I wanted to control that. I felt like if I put up a wall there was no way anyone could hurt me. I would leave them before they had a chance to leave me.

I fight constantly to keep from always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had been abandoned so many times that I stuffed my anger. I thought if I had a disagreement with anyone I cared about they would leave.

It was exhausting. I do better now but the demons peak through every now and again. At least I recognize them and know they lurk.

fifty-two-eighty

December 18, 2013

wow.

thank you so much, to all of you who took the time to read and to especially those that responded to my post.

it's bittersweet to know that I'm not alone in feelingalone.

this community is totally awesome, i'm so fortunate to have found it. it's so refreshing to know that you're all out there too. yous guys are the best.

thank you and thank you SO SO much, it means a lot to me.

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