Adoptive name change

It should be up the boys being adopted.

As an adoptee, I tend to bristle at the idea of ownership, and that is what the words "belong to me" imply.I have heard your thoughts on the name changes. I have heard the grandparents and sisters thoughts on the name changes. But, I haven't heard what the two 14 year old boys think about it. And, even if they do voice their opinions about it to you, they may not be voicing their true opinions. You are presumably providing them with a stable home, and they may not want to offend you by telling you that they want to keep their current names.I am going to ask you a really hard question: Is this truly about wanting your stepsons to feel accepted, or is this about wanting to put your stamp of ownership on them?I truly believe that the decision should be left up to them. Unfortunately, I don't know how honest they can be with you when they are dependent on you.It's just a difficult question. Some kids want a name change. Some don't.

My only thoughts for your evaluation, based on reality and not the emotional aspect of the question, are difficult at best.The boys are 14. There is no urgency to have a name change unless for some reason they need to be aligned as children of the adopting father. This may be a matter of health care insurance, school certificates, or at a later date, car insurance, etc.As they grow older and are required to interact with agencies reporting to state and federal governments, it will become necessary for them to belong to someone.The actual name doesn't matter, but if they take the name of the a-father and keep it, it will be less difficult to get health care insurance, register for college, get a drivers license, obtain a passprt, etc. etc. and have all the requirements that go with being an adult.Without having 1 name and keeping it, will cause them to have to prove who they are. Altho known to the courts, they will still be involved in constant proof. Bear in mind, that a B. Cert that uses 1 name and a drivers license using a different name will call their identity into question. After they were married, women often had difficulty when their names changed and they had not completed all the paperwork reflecting the change.It's true that a name change can be a difficult decision, but it may be better in the long run. The advantages will have to be weighed.Once they are adults, if the names they have are not satisfactory to them, they can ask the court to make a name change. But there will be the ongoing requirement that all the identifying paper work reflects the same name.I wish you the nest.

I did not read your post in a negative way. It does not seem to me that you want to "own" the boys, as if they were trophies or expensive cars. It seems to me that you loved the Mom of the boys, and wanted to "marry" the whole family, not just your wife. It seems to me that, with your wife now deceased and the bio father of the boys out of the picture, you are doing the logical and loving thing by making sure that they will always have a parent to care for them. I commend you for being such a caring person. The boys should be involved in discussions about being adopted, as well as about name changes. They are undoubtedly still grieving the loss of your wife, and may be too emotional to be completely rational, but it's important for you to talk to them about why you want to adopt them -- to make sure they have a permanent home and family, to let them know that you truly want to be their Dad forever, to be able to get care for them when they get sick, to be able to talk to their teachers, and so on. Hear them out and show respect for their feelings. Try to keep the issues of adoption and naming separate. If it's too hard for you, have someone like your adoption homestudy social worker facilitate the discussion. I think that it would be best, both short and long term, for you to adopt the boys; however, if they truly do not want to be adopted, and understand the impact of the statement, then you may just want to talk to an attorney about what can be done to protect your right to make decisions for them, as needed. Perhaps you can have a guardianship agreement now, but agree to reopen the discussion of adoption in six months or a year, when the boys are more accustomed to having you play a parental role and when they have become more adjusted to the fact of their mother's death. I also think it would be best for you to give the boys a surname that links them to you, and I think you are wonderful for considering a hypenated surname that also maintains their link to their biological sister. Names, however, are deeply personal. This may not be the best time to do a name change, if they are grieving heavily or having difficulty accepting you as their full parent. They may need to come to the point where they admire you enough to WANT to bear your name. And your relatives need some time to grieve and fully accept you, too; you were married for such a short time. Your ability to parent these boys, regardless of their adoption status or surname, will hinge on your ability to engage them in respectful dialogue. And if you are to get to the point of an adoption and name change, you really will need to make them trust that you will always be willing to talk about things with them and listen to their concerns. Sharon

It should be completely up to the boys whether or not to be adopted or to change their name.They may feel differently now that their mom has passed. It's one of the final links to her as an individual.