Contacted birth mother w/o us knowing

Update: we figured she's been calling her all week after school she's been asking to use the phone and we can't access phone records. Well Friday she wanted to spend the night at a friends but we had plans for family night and she had stuff going on Saturday morning. So we went out to dinner and a movie instead of staying in like we usually do. My mind had been spinning with thoughts this entire time and Chris hadn't had the chance to talk. She was on her best behavior the entire time! She asked to sit by me in the theater. Saturday she spent the entire day cleaning her room. She told me she threw away every bit of trash and scrap and junk, completely reorganized her room and every thing was perfect, again not normal, she's a packrat, we let her keep stuff because it makes her feel comfortable, we just a have a rule about keeping the junk organized. We both asked her what made her decide to do that and eventually the conversation came around to her aunt alice, which has been the ruse since the beginning. She even put a family picture of us BACK into her picture frame! (she had previously taken all our pictures out, even went so far as to CUT us out of pictures just to keep the part of the photo with her in it. So we are wondering if she maybe had some closure or has finally accepted the situation. I am CAUTIOSLY optomisitc. I only say that because I just hope she isn't just trying to butter us up to soften the blow or just prententing while behind our backs continuing this relationship with her mother.

I truly hope that you had a chance to read the replies, and get some answers/help out of them. They were all heartfelt, even if some didn't sound like it, to you. The reality of each adoption is, and always will be, that there is a birth mom, and birth dad. That doesn't take anything away from you being MOM. Right now you are laying the groundwork for a successful transition from childhood to adulthood with your daughter, and that includes her exploring her birth family. They won't go away, they are real, just like you are real. I know, it's hard, and there is your fear, that she might just pack up and go...but, every child can do that, not just adopted ones... If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be, to not trash talk her bios, please. It won't do any good, neither for you nor her.

I would also cautious you about "forbidding" contact or talking badly about birth parents. I have seen from experience how this can negatively impact a family. My husband was adopted through kinship adoption at age 2. While his parents were somewhat ok with him having a relationship with his drug/alcohol addicted bio mom (sister to his adoptive mom - bio mom now deceased), they were deadset against him knowing or having anything to do with his bio dad (who had been in prison). I saw my husband yearn to just see his bio dad. He was afraid to make contact because of things that had been fed to him through the years. During his mid to late 20's, DH found out that his bio dad had contacted his parents asking about DH and his sister. His parents tried to hide the letter and not even let DH know about it. Thankfully, one of DH's cousins found out about it, told DH, and we were able to locate his bio dad on our own. They have a great relationship now. I honestly believe, though, that his mom resents that fact that he met his bio dad. It has put an extra strain on their relationship. Her resentment has done absolutely nothing to prevent his relationship with his bio dad but only put a gap in their own relationship. Now that DH and I are in the process of trying to adopt, I feel like I have learned from his experience. I saw DH long to just see his bio dad. I saw that need in him. I also saw how his parents basically "forbid" it - they even threatened to burn the letter if DH came to get it. I really feel like I have learned a little more how NOT to be if/when our child decides he or she needs to find their birthfamily. Good luck. I hope things work out with your daughter.

The update makes me optimistic. Contact behind our backs at 14 would have been HARD. Heck, contact in front of our faces at 18 was HARD. (Not bad, hard. Two totally different things, fwiw). However, as much as there was nothing in her past behavior toward him that "earned" her contact with him- he did have a desire and need to know and to connect. It was never about whether she deserved it based on the past- it was whether he could live with never testing things and seeing for himself (he couldn't). Also, she had changed significantly. She had, at one point in his childhood, signed a legal doc specifically stating that she never wanted to hear from him for any reason, not even if he needed a kidney or medical info. But years later, she was thrilled to hear from him, as if that had never happened and she never felt or said any such thing, and still held the narrative in her head that he had been stolen from her and forcibly kept from contacting her by us- no matter what the legal paper trail made clear was the actual reality of the situation. My point is, what you know to be the legal or factual reality will not match the emotional remembered reality for her, nor did your daughter experience it in the same way you did (through adult eyes & experience). It is futile to try to get either of them to see it the way you did and do- it won't happen, at least not until your daughter is able to look through adult eyes herself, and even then, she will feel it differently than you did. It's much easier to forgive an offense against ourselves than against our children. However, as many times in their early contact that I felt hurt, scared, pushed aside, insulted, invisible, confused, etc., in the long run it was SO good for us. He UNDERSTOOD with his own understanding, not mine. And it ultimately made him love and appreciate me even more, even as he sorted out and developed (and kept) a relationship with her. I hope this is what is happening for you. Assure her in whatever way you can (I know with RAD, this is beyond difficult), that you are her soft place to fall, her secure place, her safe place, her loving, reliable, constant place. She will need it, and hopefully she will discover over time why things are the way they are, and will be more at peace for truly understanding it.

Well my gut instincts were right. The good behavior was all an act. I found out that the bio mom was planning on getting or DD a phone of her own, like a pre-paid or something. And mailing it to one of our neighbors! Great now this woman knows the subdivision we live in and who knows what else. I spoke with her therapist and she said for the sake of safety, we need to implement a safety plan right away and begin talking openly about it. We also have to contact our adoption attorney and the neighbors and the school. It is our responsibility as her guardians to protect her and to be upfront and honest with anyone and everyone involved. If this woman poses a threat or risk to our DD then it's our job to act on it.

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((((Lula))) You can tell her all day long what you know, but some simply have to see it for themselves. That's most likely the reason she contacted her. Do you know why she sneaks, lies and manipulates? Do you know why she cut you out of the pictures? Do you know why she cleaned up and was being good/ happy? Do you really think these things she's done are about you? I can understand that reaction, completely, but do you really think that? It's not easy being either of you right now, I have a feeling I know that much:(

oh WOW!!! if that would be me, NOW mamma bear would come out! *I* would contact BM, and tell her VERY CLEARLY, to not try to 'do things' with and for MY kid!! forget about cws, and whomever, this is YOUR daughter. contact is ONE thing, SNEAKING AROUND is a totally other shoe, imo. especially if done by the BM. I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be hard!! I like the lawyer idea though, maybe he could send her a nice letter, a real lawyer letter, lol, and explain to her, that even though she is BM, trying to sneak around behind a minors moms back is never a good idea, and providing that minor with phones etc is not going to happen... I would also get a order of protection, and if she violates it, she could go to jail. my previous post was directed with the thought, that your daughter contacted her bm, and they are talking.... but THIS is different.

I spoke to her counselor who encouraged us to contact someone either from the adoption agency or the adoption attorney for more advice. The secrets need to stop. We haven't had the chance to discuss anything with her yet since she was at a friends house last night. We need to go talk to the neighbors about receiving packages and mail on her behalf, but the mom doesn't speak english and the girl is our DD's friend, they are in cahoots together. I spoke with her teacher who is monitoring computer use, she said they aren't supposed to be just surfing the net. Her teacher told me that she asked her what age a person has to be to decide who they want to live with! WTH?

I don't even know where to begin. This is kinda like the last straw for me. I know we don't have it that bad either. That's part of what bothers me is that I know there are other families out there who have it way worse, but I just can't seem to cope with this latest development. This is really a slap in the face and a stab in the back. I don't know what to say to her. For now all we are going to say is that we know about it and it's going to have to stop. To say that this woman is willing to buy her a cell phone, have it shipped to a friends house so they can have 24/7 contact behind our backs, says a lot about this woman. And it scary to think what else she might scheme to do in the future. I don't like where this is going at all. It hurts to think that she would even consider for a split going back to all that abuse. After everything we've done. And I know a lot of kids would trade a secure loving family to be back with their abuser but I can't get my head around it, and knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I feel so used. I feel like all this time she's been just using us to get us to buy her stuff and take her places. There is no real relationship there. She has been fake and guarded this entire time. She has never been vulnerable with us, she has never cried in front of us. She has never been honest with us. I have failed. I don't have what it takes to continue this journey or whatever you want to call it. I want to pack up my insides and not do a single for her. I want to put up a fortress. I feel she has alienated herself from me and this pretend relationship I was trying to work on with her. I feel we are only here to put a roof over her head and food on the table and make sure she goes to school. I don't do anything more than basic care. I feel like such a rotton person because my love is conditional. I don't even feel like giving her the easter basket I put together. I hand picked each of the items in her basket based on her favorite things. She is so good at being fake and sweet and charming it makes me sick. This is not what we signed up for. I had no idea. We were so naive. If someone had told us it was going to be like this we never would have adopted.

Would it be possible to arrange to meet your daughter's bmother in the presence of a mediator so that you can get to the bottom of things? To me, that would be a win/win situation for you because if there is a misunderstanding, you could move forward but if she is as bad as you say, then you will know for sure; and either way you can make a more definite solution re the future. At present, she is a shadowy creature whom you actually don't know. The phone thing may have been arranged between your daughter and her bmother because your daughter knows how much you despise her bmother despite not knowing her.

I think the idea of a mediator is a good one.The genie is out of the bottle now, you have to contain it. It's normal to be hurt - but remember that if she is RAD, she is and has been hurt much worse. Her actions are a result of the hurt she experienced. Unfortunately, that hurt never truly goes away. And it's hard to break unhealthy coping strategies.It's also possible that your daughter's version of what's happening with her bmom isn't accurate. And what she's telling her bmom may not be accurate. A mediator can help everyone get to the reality of the situation and then set healthy boundaries. She's a teenager, she's still going to try to cross those boundaries. But getting bmom on board would really help. Try not to assign motives to her yet. You don't know what your daughter has told her, or what she thinks is happening. She may just be responding to incorrect information and trying to help her daughter. I know this is so hard and I can tell that your heart is breaking. I hope you can get past the hurt you feel and do what you can to help her get ready for adulthood. It sounds like she still has a lot to learn.Another benefit of using a mediator, you may find out bmom has turned her life around, or that she hasn't. You may find out there's no way a court would allow your daughter to live with her. Then it wouldn't be you telling your daughter no so much as the issues in bmoms life that created this situation in the first place.Maybe her therapist could do some mediation for you all since she's already familiar with your daughter.I hope you find a solution.

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I know how much of a struggle your relationship with your daughter has been, and I can understand feeling like this is the last straw. I am not suggesting that this contact is OK or healthy for her. But the reality of the situation is that if she wants to be in contact with her birth mom, there is nothing (short of locking her up) that will stop her. I hope that the therapist can help reign it in or help both her and you manage your exceptions and your emotions about this. To me, it says that she misses her daughter and is trying to "buy" her love. She is probably believing whatever DD is telling her because it makes her feel like less of a failure if she thinks you are not perfect parents. No, not a responsible decision, but if she was a person who made responsible decisions, she would still have her daughter. This is very scary and it's a very real possibility that this situation could go in the wrong direction. But also keep in mind the possibility that she may not have the means or the desire to really be a threat to your family, and that their relationship may lose momentum. I've seen this happen a lot with teens who age out & try to reconnect with their birth families.

I agree with this solution. That way you can also come face to face with this bmom to know her motive of doing such things for her daughter. Did you even think that she could have missed talking to her daughter? There's a special bond that could never break between [URL="http://momreviewed.com/"]a parent and her child[/URL] because they are blood-related.

Your story is almost exactly like ours. We adopted a 14 year old who really has no bond to us. We also feel like we are just here to put a roof over her head and she could walk out the door tomorrow and never think about us once. She has major fantasies about her bio family and, over time, they all got knocked down, one by one. First it was her sister, and we let her go see her and after a couple visits she was over that (she's not very nice to our AD). Then it was her bio mom (who was constantly promising gifts and money that NEVER showed up) now she rarely speaks about her. Next was her brother and grandmother who both put zero effort into reaching out to her after she contacted them several times, now she has no interest in them. Right now it is her bio dad and I think he will be our biggest hurdle. She just contacted him and we might take her to see him on father's day. I honestly think that after a visit or two she will see that he is NOT the man she has invented in her mind and she will be over it. We do our best not to speak badly about any family b/c we know that if we did it will fuel her fantasies about them (we are mean and they are wonderful) but we ARE realistic about them and their ability to take care of her. Plus, in the end their true colors always come out. We have come to the realization that she will probably never want to be a fully functioning member of our family (well, maybe when she's like 25 and has a better, more mature life-view) but we aren't giving up on her and if she walks out the door at 18 and never looks back we will know we did our best for her and the rest is up to her.