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Adoption.com community, if I ever needed some advice and support, it is today. I found my birth daughter a few years ago on Facebook, and have been keeping a discreet distance, and patiently waiting for her to contact me. I'd written her many letters, but they always got sent to her parents, so who knows what really gets through to her, right? I stopped writing about 4 years ago. She lives in the same city as I, has recently graduated, and began student teaching in the local district. My wife signed my son up for a learning camp at a different school district than he normally goes to, and at dinner TODAY, I saw my birth daughter's name listed as his teacher. After dinner, I showed my son a recent picture of my daughter and asked if that was his teacher. "Yes" - no hesitation. They have one more week of this camp starting next week, and I don't know what to do about it. I tried contacting my mental healthcare provider, but could not get in touch with her tonight. Will definitely keep trying on that because she has helped me a lot through the years. Also, my birth daughter is still getting established with her career, and I want to be sensitive to not ruining this experience for her. Still! Is this fate? I don't know! I have a very real opportunity to meet her next week (multiple opportunities, in fact) just by taking him to his camp. I don't know what to do! I could really use some different perspectives on this. First impressions are so very important. In reality, who knows if I will ever get so perfect an opportunity to meet my child! Help!
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Very glad she responded - it's a start. Just remember you have had 23+ years of being ready... She is also at an age where her focus may not be on anything other than getting started and settled. We are all different about when our focus and the realities of adoption become front of mind. At that age, for me, it was hit and miss, a decade later and I would be hit every 3-6 months and then purposely put it away again until it came to the front again - because I wasn't ready. Others are ready much earlier. You know she is okay, you know she can reach out. Just breathe...and feel free to find support here... She also just found out she has a baby brother... Kind regards, Dickons
BirthDad - I'm sooo happy for you. I was so sad reading how you felt you had done a bad thing, when in fact you did a wonderfully respectful thing. I'm so glad many of the others pointed out how you did your introduction in the most respectful way possible, giving her a chance to come to terms with it on her own in a non public setting, perfect. I know your daughter is reliving your "weather" conversation and I imagine thinking about her brother a lot more. I agree with the others, I'd take it slow. Let her lead on this one. Such an exciting time. You made me tear up reading how amazing you thought she was. Such a sweet moment. Keep us updated and congrats!
Although I've not commented yet, I've been following this post. I'm so glad to read that your daughter reached out to you after reading your letter! That is wonderful! I will also say that I think it speaks very well that her adoptive parents have offered her information in the past. My DH's parents tried to prevent him from finding his birthdad a few years ago. After all of that drama, its refreshing to me to read of others being so open to their children meeting their birthfamilies.Good luck going forward! I'm so happy for you that you got a positive response!
Although I've not commented yet, I've been following this post. I'm so glad to read that your daughter reached out to you after reading your letter! That is wonderful! I will also say that I think it speaks very well that her adoptive parents have offered her information in the past. My DH's parents tried to prevent him from finding his birthdad a few years ago. After all of that drama, its refreshing to me to read of others being so open to their children meeting their birthfamilies. Good luck going forward! I'm so happy for you that you got a positive response!
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I have been emailing D for nearly 2 weeks straight. The emails have gone from a little on the timid, formal side early on, to much, much warmer and friendlier over a relatively short time. The similarities are staggering! We are in such a comfortable sort of spot right now, that it just warms my heart thinking about it. We're both trying hard not to offend one another, delve too deeply too soon, and most of the chit chat is pretty general. There are some pretty big elephants in the room that I am fighting myself not to bring up, like "why?", "how?", and "who?". I want things to progress at her pace, and be prepared when she asks those questions. Much as I would prefer to answer those questions face to face, I will not withhold info or play games with her to get her to do what I want her to do. I really want this to develop into something long-lasting!She emailed me today a phrase that her BM has told me many times over the years, and I was just floored.Have not told my son, yet, but I like to keep the memory of his teacher alive in the house by continuing to ask questions that make him think about what a great teacher she was for him. I can't cross that ground yet without knowing that D is on the same page. Wouldn't be good for anyone.Thanks again for all the wonderful comments and interest in my unfolding story. This new friendship is just...there are no words - joyous!
I have been emailing D for nearly 2 weeks straight. The emails have gone from a little on the timid, formal side early on, to much, much warmer and friendlier over a relatively short time. The similarities are staggering! We are in such a comfortable sort of spot right now, that it just warms my heart thinking about it. We're both trying hard not to offend one another, delve too deeply too soon, and most of the chit chat is pretty general. There are some pretty big elephants in the room that I am fighting myself not to bring up, like "why?", "how?", and "who?". I want things to progress at her pace, and be prepared when she asks those questions. Much as I would prefer to answer those questions face to face, I will not withhold info or play games with her to get her to do what I want her to do. I really want this to develop into something long-lasting! She emailed me today a phrase that her BM has told me many times over the years, and I was just floored. Have not told my son, yet, but I like to keep the memory of his teacher alive in the house by continuing to ask questions that make him think about what a great teacher she was for him. I can't cross that ground yet without knowing that D is on the same page. Wouldn't be good for anyone. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments and interest in my unfolding story. This new friendship is just...there are no words - joyous!
BirthDad1991
I received an email back from my daughter tonight! The email came through hours ago, but I've been too busy rereading it and typing a response to it. She thanked me for my letter, and said that she has not had any interest in her birthparents so far. Her parents have offered information in the past, but she has not taken them up. She says it's nothing against me, and I believe her. She says she is open to sharing information with me via email, but phone/personal visits are out for now. I agree - I'm not ready for that either! I'm so happy that she has reacted this way - I was so worried! Now I'm just sensitive to giving her too much info, too fast! What a week! Thank you for all your support, prayers, and kind words! They have made a big difference in my life, and I can't thank you all enough!
BirthDad I'm thrilled you two are progressing nicely and I think that taking your time telling your son is okay too. It's good that your letting this progress at it's own pace and it sounds like it's progressing nicely. I'm glad your thinking of how she will feel about her brother knowing his teacher was his sister! That's great! I imagine she's still processing that fact herself! I'm thrilled for you I truly am. I hope that things will continue to progress. You sound like such a thoughtful person. Keep us updated :)
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[Update]Much as I'd like to write something glowing and akin to "and they lived happily ever after", the truth is that after 6 weeks, the reunion went into limbo and I have no idea where things stand now. I have written about 4 emails throughout the year afterwards and sent my last one in April indicating that it was the last letter. I expressed no bitterness, no reproaches, etc., just an ongoing interest in her life and best wishes for the future. I told her that I only wanted her to be happy, and that maybe these emails were getting in the way of that.It sucks. I tried. I really did my homework by reading all of the books and being prepared, exercised patience and caution in everything I wrote. It did not end the way I thought it would, but I've also let go of it (or at least have TRIED letting go - LOL). It's not up to me what comes next, but that last letter I wrote I really reached out for some kind of closure that she and I could hopefully both be satisfied with in terms of where we stand in relation to one another.Though I acknowledge any thoughts or insight I have into her motivations are very much mindreading and unknowable, I suspect that it's one of those "I can't have any contact with you while my real parents are alive" kind of a thing. I respect that, but I wish there was another way, a third choice that cut through the things that make people feel so insecure and threatened.Thanks for reading and all of the support from last summer. I go back and reread from time to time, and I still get a tingle of the excitement I felt last July. :)
Dear Birthdad,Don't give up. I met up with my son 6 months ago and I had a psychology degree, read every book on adoption, joined a adoption support group, am a special education teacher, and I still could not reach my son. We had a roller coaster of a ride, but he pulled away and refuse to respond any more. Don't blame yourself because it was nothing you did. I too wrote a final letter for closure thinking that would be the end to it and the pain would go away, but something made me press on. I keep telling myself to stop and let him come to you, but I don't think he will ever be strong enough to do it on his own. His sister was the one who found me because he tried and gave up when he had no luck. Every so often I will text him a little note letting him know that I am still here so he doesnt think I abandoned him, and every so often I will get a one word response, which I think is a huge baby step. Let's be honest with each other, there really is no closure. These are our sons and daughters and will be until the day we die. They just need to know that we love them and will always be there for them when they are finally ready. Your story was really cute though:)
Thanks, Lgnanny. I couldn't agree with you more. There will never be closure. I really thought about sending a note to my daughter the day I received your response, but I held back. That last letter was a real doozy. Since it was also her birthday, I bought a card at the store, hand wrote on the inside a note, scanned it, and sent it so it would seem like a "real" card. I wrote a long email that did my best to sum up what I wanted from this reunion, and spelled it out that these were hopes, not expectations - hopes that she is not obligated to share, but I just wanted to be honest about my intentions. I want friendship, I want for her to have a relationship with my other children, and I want to have the chance to tell her my story about her (hopefully in person). Lastly, with this being a final letter, I sent scans of the pictures of the two of us taken at the adoption agency in the weeks before her adoption became final. The only pictures in the whole world of the two of us together. I'm not strong enough to keep on writing with no response. I already did that for decades, and now that I know she can gets these emails instantaneously and chooses not to write back for whatever reason...it's just worse. I don't know that I'm strong enough to never, ever write her again either. I know she is living her life, though. That she is successful in doing what she loves to do. In a long term relationship with someone that she will hopefully marry and have a family of her own. I know these things. It should be enough to know these things. It's not, though.
Dear Birthdad,I know the pain of them not responding is unbearable. I thought the pain of the relinquishment was the most painful experience I could ever feel until I was rejected by my son during our adoption reunion. There are days when I feel like I would rather die then to feel this much pain, but I understand death is not an option so I look for other ways to lessen the pain. I do not think that the pain will ever go away, but that we will have good days, bad days, and horrible days. Friday was my son and my 6 month anniversary from the day we met and I thought that if he was not able to form any type of relationship with me in 6 months then maybe there is no hope and I decided I would just give up. On Saturday I went to a family event and my nephew, who met my son on Easter, told me he had been fishing with my son for two days last week and he talked about me and my family. He is struggling with his and my relationship, but finds it easier to have a relationship with family members. I was very hurt and jealous,but then I thought that this is also a baby step toward a relationship and I should be happy that he feels comfortable enough to talk about me with family members. You never know what the next day brings. My son and I have said a lot of hurtful things to each other, but I think when two people love each other they can overlook those things and move forward. Do not give up on your daughter. Don't think that she has moved on with her life because she might be feeling the same way as you are, but hasn't figured out a way to process all of it yet. Are your children old enough to contact her and have a relationship with her?
Last update on July 26, 12:29 pm by lgnanny.
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Hi Lgnanny,No, I'm afraid my children are far too young to have a relationship with their half-sister for the time being (elementary school age). They don't even know that they have a half-sister, yet. I like to bring up the school program that my son took last year with him from time to time, and figure out ways to get him to recall his memories of the class and his teacher. While I never learn anything new about her, I think it's important to try and keep the memories of her alive in his mind for the day that we will have that conversation about who she really is. Both of my children are very emotional. My youngest son in particular gets very upset if anyone puts a smiley face on his food (like pancakes, etc.), to the point where he won't eat it. I just know that after the initial excitement of learning about his half-sister wears off, it will upset him when he finds out that he can't just meet her. No telling what the older one will feel once he learns that he is no longer my "oldest" child. He might feel nothing. It's hard to tell. Attentive parents know their kids, and I know mine enough to know that until such time that my daughter is interested in communicating again, I want to spare my little guys as much as possible from any hurt feelings.I hope that the relationship with your son moves in a more positive direction. It must be somewhat encouraging to know that he and your nephew have had something of a bonding experience, and that you are present in his thoughts. That indicates that there is some room for emotional growth in the relationship, and that he has not rejected his birth family entirely, which can happen. I can remember many times during the email exchanges with my daughter that the phrase "a lot to process" would come up. I tried to help her sort through her feelings by typing up and sending her the 5 phases of reunion as written by Jean Strauss in Birthright. I wrote to her that perhaps there might be too much going on in her life right now, and that she might need to put me on the shelf if she was getting overwhelmed. The response I got back from her was always, "No way! This is great. I love reading your emails!". I guess that's what made it so difficult for me. It just turned off completely, like a light switch.
Hi Lgnanny,No, I'm afraid my children are far too young to have a relationship with their half-sister for the time being (elementary school age). They don't even know that they have a half-sister, yet. I like to bring up the school program that my son took last year with him from time to time, and figure out ways to get him to recall his memories of the class and his teacher. While I never learn anything new about her, I think it's important to try and keep the memories of her alive in his mind for the day that we will have that conversation about who she really is. Both of my children are very emotional. My youngest son in particular gets very upset if anyone puts a smiley face on his food (like pancakes, etc.), to the point where he won't eat it. I just know that after the initial excitement of learning about his half-sister wears off, it will upset him when he finds out that he can't just meet her. No telling what the older one will feel once he learns that he is no longer my "oldest" child. He might feel nothing. It's hard to tell. Attentive parents know their kids, and I know mine enough to know that until such time that my daughter is interested in communicating again, I want to spare my little guys as much as possible from any hurt feelings.I hope that the relationship with your son moves in a more positive direction. It must be somewhat encouraging to know that he and your nephew have had something of a bonding experience, and that you are present in his thoughts. That indicates that there is some room for emotional growth in the relationship, and that he has not rejected his birth family entirely, which can happen. I can remember many times during the email exchanges with my daughter that the phrase "a lot to process" would come up. I tried to help her sort through her feelings by typing up and sending her the 5 phases of reunion as written by Jean Strauss in Birthright. I wrote to her that perhaps there might be too much going on in her life right now, and that she might need to put me on the shelf if she was getting overwhelmed. The response I got back from her was always, "No way! This is great. I love reading your emails!". I guess that's what made it so difficult for me. It just turned off completely, like a light switch.