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I stumbled onto this forum Googling for help. I am feeling pressured and backed into a corner and I have no idea where to go for help or what to do. My husband adopted my oldest son when he was little. He raised our son as the biological father wanted nothing to do with him. The Biological Father signed over his Rights which we had absolutely no problem with. We had two more children and have a truly blessed life. My children have a happy home and I have a happy marriage. We have no contact with the biological father, his family, girlfriends, or anything. Last year, though, all that went under fire. My husband coaches kids football and during halftime , a woman came marching out onto the field to him. The biological father had a daughter who was now in her teens. The woman who confronted my husband at the football game was the Grandmother on the girl's mother's side. She told my husband that the girl wanted to meet her half brother. My husband politely told her that our son knows nothing about any of those people and that he would rather not disrupt his life with drama or trouble. He said he had raised him as his own and no one has ever questioned that. The woman said well, Im gonna warn you then that if you dont allow her to meet him, she will regardless, no matter what we say (my husband and I). She left and after the game my husband told me what happened and we were both shattered. I was terrified that they would go to his school or see him in the Mall or something and confront him, that I came home and told him everything. I was terrified that this would rip apart his security-- make him not feel like a complete part of our family, etc-- but thankfully, it didn't. I asked if he wanted to meet any of them and he said no. He admitted to having a few memories of his biological father and they weren't good. He said that the man he knew as his Daddy was his Daddy (my husband) and that nothing was going to change that. He didn't want to be bothered by any of them. We heard nothing else, and now, my son is eighteen. And now, the girl has discovered my email and is emailing me. She tells me she doesn't want to cause any trouble but if I don't allow her to meet my son then she will find away to meet him regardless. I emailed her back and explained that he doesn't know anything about them and that she needed to respect her father's decision to sign away rights and let us live in peace. She emailed back saying her father regretted it and that she was determined to meet my son. so either I allow her to meet him now and she wont tell him who she is, then she will find away to meet him later on. At which point, I am assuming she will tell him. Im not sure what I should do. I just feel like I am being pushed into a corner. Either I do what they want or else. I took responsibility for my child as did a man who was not his blood kin but raised him as his own. We have worked hard to give our children a stable life, a happy home. They have excelled in school, sports and other activities. They have never known the abuse or hardships that other children have had to suffer. I just never thought this sort of thing would happen.
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I thought in your post you said you explained everything to him. Does he not know about this person trying to meet him? You said he is 18 now, can you talk to him and help him decide if he wants to do it or not? If it is his choice, then what is the risk? I am not in your situation so may not understand the risk that you are feeling.
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Your son's bio father signed away his rights. That didn't extend to your son's half-siblings. If he's 18, he may wonder why you're against it. I say tell him about her.
CaseyL
I stumbled onto this forum Googling for help. I am feeling pressured and backed into a corner and I have no idea where to go for help or what to do. My husband adopted my oldest son when he was little. He raised our son as the biological father wanted nothing to do with him. The Biological Father signed over his Rights which we had absolutely no problem with. We had two more children and have a truly blessed life. My children have a happy home and I have a happy marriage. We have no contact with the biological father, his family, girlfriends, or anything. Last year, though, all that went under fire. My husband coaches kids football and during halftime , a woman came marching out onto the field to him. The biological father had a daughter who was now in her teens. The woman who confronted my husband at the football game was the Grandmother on the girl's mother's side. She told my husband that the girl wanted to meet her half brother. My husband politely told her that our son knows nothing about any of those people and that he would rather not disrupt his life with drama or trouble. He said he had raised him as his own and no one has ever questioned that. The woman said well, Im gonna warn you then that if you dont allow her to meet him, she will regardless, no matter what we say (my husband and I). She left and after the game my husband told me what happened and we were both shattered. I was terrified that they would go to his school or see him in the Mall or something and confront him, that I came home and told him everything. I was terrified that this would rip apart his security-- make him not feel like a complete part of our family, etc-- but thankfully, it didn't. I asked if he wanted to meet any of them and he said no. He admitted to having a few memories of his biological father and they weren't good. He said that the man he knew as his Daddy was his Daddy (my husband) and that nothing was going to change that. He didn't want to be bothered by any of them. We heard nothing else, and now, my son is eighteen. And now, the girl has discovered my email and is emailing me. She tells me she doesn't want to cause any trouble but if I don't allow her to meet my son then she will find away to meet him regardless. I emailed her back and explained that he doesn't know anything about them and that she needed to respect her father's decision to sign away rights and let us live in peace. She emailed back saying her father regretted it and that she was determined to meet my son. so either I allow her to meet him now and she wont tell him who she is, then she will find away to meet him later on. At which point, I am assuming she will tell him. Im not sure what I should do. I just feel like I am being pushed into a corner. Either I do what they want or else. I took responsibility for my child as did a man who was not his blood kin but raised him as his own. We have worked hard to give our children a stable life, a happy home. They have excelled in school, sports and other activities. They have never known the abuse or hardships that other children have had to suffer. I just never thought this sort of thing would happen.
CaseyL, welcome to the forum.My suggestion for your review, is that when you can talk to your son, with your husband, that all of the truth come out.Share with him what the current situation is, and let him decide what he wants to do. I would also share what your reasons are for not wanting to move further and allow the meeting to take place and I would end it by saying that regardless of his decision, you and your husband will stand by him for support and anything else he needs.I would have that discussion with him ASAP so that he is fully aware of your feelings, prior to any meeting the girl may promote with him.The fact that his b-father regrets his decision is unfortunate, but now all that can be done is to move forward. It may work out that the girl forces a meeting with the son, and he decides that her lifestyle is not something he wishes to join. In that case the decision is his and it will be more meaningful for all.It's easy to understand your fears, but in reality he is the only one that can prevent a meeting.I wish you the best.
CaseyL, welcome to the forum. My suggestion for your review, is that when you can talk to your son, with your husband, that all of the truth come out. Share with him what the current situation is, and let him decide what he wants to do. I would also share what your reasons are for not wanting to move further and allow the meeting to take place and I would end it by saying that regardless of his decision, you and your husband will stand by him for support and anything else he needs. I would have that discussion with him ASAP so that he is fully aware of your feelings, prior to any meeting the girl may promote with him. The fact that his b-father regrets his decision is unfortunate, but now all that can be done is to move forward. It may work out that the girl forces a meeting with the son, and he decides that her lifestyle is not something he wishes to join. In that case the decision is his and it will be more meaningful for all. It's easy to understand your fears, but in reality he is the only one that can prevent a meeting. I wish you the best.