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Hey everyone. First my wife and I never had kids and we were OK with that. After awhile though we would look at all the kids who need someone, and we figured let's try this.
A short while ago the DCYF called and said "we have the perfect kid for you". They sent us loads of paperwork on him, some pictures, writeups by previous FPs (we will be his 3rd placement), etc. And it seemed very good, and the fact that he is a teen made it (in my mind) easier to do as the time committment (for a forever home) would be shorter.
We had to move on a tight schedule as he needed to be out before the start of the new school year. The first meeting was amazing, he stayed for 4 or 5 hours, and he was wonderful. The second meeting was very good as well. Yesterday was his sleepover, and I felt like a failure all around....We don't have a video gaming system, or any games on the PC. We don't have the super extended Cable package that he is used to. I could tell he was bored, and in the morning he was ready to go, despite my suggestions to do some outdoor activities.
He is still an amazing kid, and once he gets settled in at school, and with the sports program, I know he will be fine. But these feelings that I am just not good enough really hurt!!
I am going to get a used video game console with games on Ebay so he will have something to do when he doesn't want to hang with us old people, haha!
Thoughts? Do I need to grow tougher skin? Or make the house more "teenager friendly"? Anyone else experience these feelings?
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I think what you are feeling is very natural for a first time parent. You want to be the perfect parent- which is impossible. Parenting is not easy especially with teenagers. my suggestion would be try hard not to fall into a trap of wanting to be a 'cool parent' or feel like you have to entertain him or provide everything that other kids have for him. You don't and IMO sometimes you shouldn't. Get to know him first and find out if he will use electronics, phones, game systems, tablets, etc responsibly before spending on them.
My suggestion would be find out what he likes doing and do it with him--does he like sports? Take him to some local high school sports events. Then he can meet and make friends with kids he will be going to school with as well as enjoy a game. Does he like art or is he a writer? Many coffee shops have poetry nights where amateur poets can recite and get feedback on their own poetry. Our local library has a book club where they discuss a specific book while sharing coffee and tea. Does he like animals? Local animal shelters are always looking for volunteers-maybe you could both put in a couple hours helping to socialize the dogs available for adoption. Is he an aspiring chef? Make a grocery list with him and go to the market together to get the ingredients and then prepare it together. Or go on a bike ride with him so he can explore the new neighborhood.
If you can do some of these things hopefully he will appreciate the fact that you are taking the time to get to know him and build a bond with him.
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Yes, you do need to develop a tougher skin (not that it's not okay to do things for him, too, but you will need a thick skin with a teen). I work with teenagers (mostly boys) and they can be really hard. I agree with tygerlilyzz; wait on buying "stuff" for him until you get to know him better. If you do end up buying one, you will want to learn all about video game ratings and decide what you are okay with (most teens seem to think that they should be playing rated M games, which I would disagree with personally), and try playing some of them with him. You may also want to get to know other parents of teens (both foster and/ or adopted and folks with bio kids). They can give you some perspective when things seem unreal or out of control.
Thanks everyone, excellent feedback all around!
Tigerlilyzz is totally right, I am trying to be the cool parent. I have, in my mind at least, fallen into the "this kid is my new cool friend", instead of "i am the guardian and disciplinarian of this kid". I know my DCYF offers counseling and monthly meetings with other FPs, I am going to have to attend some!
And you're right ruth74, i do need some thicker skin because there are surely going to be times when I want to have the final word on a decision, and I don't want to budge. I am going to have to make sure when he is angry with me because I have said NO, that I don't go off somewhere and feel just terrible for it. I have seen my neighbor have this with one of her kids, and the kid sulked for twenty minutes, then came outside to join in with everyone else. Emotions can move quickly at that age! He may hat eme now, but in five minutes it's mostly forgotten and he wants to finish up a project we started yesterday.
RobinKay, good advice! I just think for now, I need to get him SOMETHING so he is capable of entertaining himself, and a used video game console may be just the thing. But yes, if it gets obsolete and we need to replace it, I would work with him to find a replacement, and maybe he could help out more around the house as his contribution to the new system.
Thanks everyone. I imagine I'll be posting and reading more!