Does anyone have a relationship with their adopted child........

Sassafrass, I admire your honesty so much - I wish I could give you a great big hug! I come from the other side on this subject. I reunited with my son in 1990, shortly after his 18th birthday...with his parents' full consent and blessings. The night I met my son for the first time, I also met his parents. After we finished dinner, they invited me back to their home and were wonderful to me. Our son was strung out on crystal meth at the time, but his folks weren't aware of his addiction. I moved back to my hometown to develop a relationship with him, and during the first two years, his behavior got obnoxious and violent. His parents had placed him in RTCs and mental hospitals from the age of 14 onwards, but they had no idea that drugs were involved and had been from the age of 13. When I moved back home, they invited him back into their home, but his addiction really spiraled out of control, and they ended up obtaining a 3-year restraining order on him. So...I stepped in and filled the gap for those years. I put him into a few rehabs, only for him to sign himself out AMA after detoxiing. He was having some physical problems, so I did the mother routine in terms of taking him back and forth to doctor's appointments and outpatient surgery. I didn't do it to compete with his mom and dad, though -- I did it because someone had to, and since I was the one who brought him into the world, I felt responsible for his welfare. Towards the end of the 3-year restraining order, when he hadn't heard anything at all from his parents, he asked me to adopt him back as an adult. I agreed, but a few days before our court date, his mom called me to find out how he was doing. And I told her if she didn't want to lose him forever, she needed to contact him immediately. (I didn't tell her that I was in the process of doing an adult adoption.) I just couldn't stand the idea of her losing him. I've lived with that pain for too long now, and I would never wish it on anybody. I never told our son that I talked with her that night. They reconciled, and I dropped the re-adoption plans. Sassafrass, my son is now 42 years old and is very, very close to both of his parents. There is always hope, and I've seen reconciliation so many times over the years within the adoption community, so never give up. My son's parents and I mostly saw each other working together as a team for quite a while. I do think it was hard on his mom at times, though, to see another woman fill her shoes during those three years. It hurt sometimes to see the pain in her eyes because I wanted to make it go away, but I couldn't fix it. At the end of the day...when all is said and done...your daughter knows who raised her, who took care of her when she was sick, who put up with all her teenage crap and angst. In my own humble opinion, I think there's a good chance your daughter's birth/first mom is just filling the gap until the two of you reconcile. And I think it is awesome that you've identified this feeling of competition within yourself. That is a huge step forward, believe me. :loveyou:

Thanks, I guess I better go back to therapy to try to fix it. I dk what else to do.

I know that a part of the struggle for me comes from my anger at my kids' mom. She has accused me and DH of the most heinous acts you can imagine anyone could ever do to a child and we were investigated for nearly all of the accusations. It changed who I am as a person. Truly, at my core. I can acknowledge that if she hadn't made mistakes, I wouldn't have my kids. BUT, because she made severe mistakes, my kids suffer daily. Emotional/behavioral issues that are absolutely horrible to deal with. So not only are my kids suffering but so are DH and I as we try to help our kids and still get something out of this for ourselves, too. No matter how altruistic a person claims to be, the fact of the matter is that most of us wanted to be a parent due to the feelings and experiences we would have. Not just to help kids. I think that our needs get lost because we are so focused on our kids. Which, we should be, but we still need to feed our own souls, too. When I hear my AS say that his bio mom is so great but I'm an eff-ing B, etc., etc., I HATE it. I don't so much care if he thinks I'm great or not, but I want him to know that however bad he thinks I am, she is worse. Do I know this is a huge problem? Am I in therapy? Yes and yes.

See ours is clean and fully admits to her mistakes. She wants our kids to reunite with her and us and big one big happy family LOL. My husband feels like you do and that won't ever happen. I just feel like i am competing against her and i am not in a place with our daughter to do the mothering stuff but I don't want her to either. Then I get in competition mode and think well I better or she will which is for the wrong reasons.

A counselor told me that RAD dd needs to reconnect with bio family to resolve past issues before she will be able to connect with me. It kinda makes sense, but it hurts. I am in constant pain that is indescribable.

So, using that same logic, do I have to reconnect with my abusive ex and address things in order to fully trust and connect with my current hubby? What about when people die and you can't ever connect again? I so disagree with that counselor. My AS is also diagnosed with RAD so I know the misery of which you speak. It is awful. I'm so sorry we share this pain.

I think she might be a different person since she's been with the birth mother. Hopefully for the better. I just think she really never got how bad her bio parents were. Maybe this gave her a good wake up call.

when you were with the ex, i trust you were an adult. you're able to sort stuff out with your logical brain now that it's over. and hopefully your current dh is a good, gentle person who will help you with that. for our kids, though, the stuff runs deeper than memory. and their logical brain hasn't quite latched onto the notion that they can love and trust because that window to love and trust was (often) damaged in the pre-verbal years. plus, we all just want our mommy to love us. so they're stuck. i don't know that i agree with the whole resolve issues in the presence of mom thing, but i do know that my little boy has all kinds of anger and questions and stuff that he doesn't know what to do with yet. and i know that he wants her. he also wants me. and it's an awful feeling for me. RAD just plain sucks. i do, however, know an adult adoptee who's had tons of issues--relationship and addiction. she kind of threw away her life recently to go to the birth family. what she found was more relationship and addiction issues. so , she understands her own responses. and because of the absolute awfulness of the situation, she's reconnecting with her family--kids, parents, friends--and she's clean again. she needed to bottom out and get rid of her birth family fantasies before she could address her own issues. and she's over 30. will that work for everyone? i wish i knew. and i'm so sorry that you are hurting--and so is your child.

Sassafras - I think we all have that "competition" thing, even when the circumstances are different. I'm terrified that my DD will not like me as much or will want to be with her "cooler" younger Mom when she's older. We all have our issues in adoption. It's hard, we work on it. I love the honesty and support this thread has gotten. Raven - I've never heard your reunion story. I am thrilled that you and your son are close. I'm also in awe of the strength you showed caring for his other mom.

I know it is different, but I am having Mom jealousy issues myself. My daughter got married a couple of years ago. Her new MIL is great, we get along very well, nice lady, I really like her a lot. I am glad She is my daughter's mother of some kind too. But she has the audacity to do things like take my daughter shopping :) and have fun! It doesn't help that she is two hours away and I am 6 hours away from my daughter. She helped her with the wedding, She helped her move into her new house last week, she knitted her a blanket ( I do quilts, have done many quilts for her, who does she think she is?) She upped her gift giving at, xmas and bdays to out do me. I got her good on the house warming gift. Suggested to daughter all the stuff I might get her for her new house, which I don't plan on getting, we were wish dream talking like we do - daughter tells MIL, MIL way over does it to be sure and out do me, daughter and son in law make out like bandits. I win again :) If we ever get a grandkid I know I will see nothing but green, I can see myself packing a bag and moving in, or next door, to win. LOL We may have to buy our gkid their own building to store all the competively purchased crap. I have no problem with helping my daughter out of her tight spot in the middle by spending any holidays at inlaws place - will gladly let her do all the work LOL And I LET her win the competition sometimes, when I know she really wants to win, especially with those things when I really don't care. So that stuff is bad enough, I really get bent when my daughter talks about getting upset, or being hurt, with her new in-laws over their religious beliefs, political stuff and different ways of life in general. She's trying to brainwash my daughter in to her way, and sometimes bad mouths our way. (OK, I admit I do the same, Doh) So, what can ya do? some things that have helped me. 1. I listen intently to the negative things daughter has to say about her LOL enjoy them and then I try to explain why she might be/think that way, cause I really do like her, and I want my daughter to understand her, where's she's coming from, what to look out for AND have a wonderful relationship with her new family, and her old, all in the same place at the same time occasionally. I try hard to eliminate any disagreements or hard feelings they may find. 2. I hate shopping, so shopping is not our thing, it can be her and her MIL's thing, I'll give them that :) enjoy. And don't forget to buy me something nice while your out having so much stinkin mother daughter fun together :) I've claimed some things that are our thing. Sure I can go shopping with my daughter and have a great time, but it doesn't have to be our thing. And my daughter can go do some of our things with her MIL, but if she tries to steal our thing away - there will be blood :) Choose your thing, things, (within reason!) name them and let it be known why it is important for you both to protect your shared special thing, your special place, time, your special realtionship. I was so proud of my, Doh, our, daughter. Her MIL mentioned wanting one of our secret recipes to try at a holiday dinner. My daughter could smell her also jealous MIL trying to out bake her Mom - she put an end to that one real quick in a humourous but deadly serious way! "If you want to be choked to death, go ahead, give it a try, you've been warned! But I have to call you out, you can't try to outcook us at our own game, not gonna happen :) Get your own family recipe, and your own daughter, and try to outcook both of US in any way, if you think you can, and good luck with that!" says the Queen Chef. 3. Most importantly me and my daughter talk about the jealousy, we admit it. She started it when she shared her jealousy of her Nana's new granddaughters with me (she's the oldest and had the Nana to herself for a decade). We joke about it, we move the pics on Nana's refrig when we visit, hiding all the other gdaughters on the side, the boys go in a drawer, and her front and center - she printed out a pic of her self and new hubby to give to her Nana, it was big enough to cover the front of the frig leaving no room for anyone else... I've got nothing on her, when it comes to jealous, she is the Queen, and her Dad the King. It helps to acknowledge and understand it. It doesn't erase the jealousy, but does make it easier to laugh at, joke about and get past, for a while at least. 4. I admit MIL is dealing with her jealousy of me and her son too :) hehehe Except I think i am a little more considerate about it than she has been so far. Which just makes me win, now and in the long run! So, hahaha, putting another mark in the win catagory. Talk about it with your daughter, bring it up, let the jealousy be known, let it be known that you don't like the jealousy at all, you can' t help it, you try, it's natural, and that you've tried but can't make it go away. Let it be known that you need her help with it. Laugh at it together. It's important for all to know it is there. We say "Dohhhh, I hate being jealous" alot around here lately. I think it is a good thing. If we weren't jealous, what would that say about how we truly feel?????

I connect daily with thousands of my dead ancestors, in the only way I've found to do so, like many other people do now too, on Ancestry.com. Some of the very best soothing all over medicine I have ever found. Sometimes you can't connect at all, but you can always try in some way or another.

I think sometimes it's very similar to returning to the scene of an accident. You just have to see it, to understand better, to get past the trauma of it.

To get past the fear of it, to heal it.

I agree with you BethVA62. :wings: