Opinions on Appropriate Age to Learn of Adoption

I don't think the response by admin was saying "your adopted kids are lucky you adopted them". I think they are saying "your kids are lucky to have parents who openly communicate with them". Not trying to be mean, but I think you took that post the wrong way.

She's posting on an adoptee forum and didn't even acknowledge the adoptees that posted. So be it if you think I took it wrong. I saw it through adoptee eyes.

Hi Everyone, I guess when I said, "your kids are blessed to have parents that communicate openly" I wasn't clear enough. I know this is the adult adoptee forum and didn't mean to assume everyone on here is a parent themselves. I just saw the great comments from momraine and greenrobin about their communication with their kids and went from there. I appreciate everyone's comments! Have a great day! -Adoption.com Admin

I think it's sad, and more than a little telling, that you posted this question in the Adoptee forum, presumably to get opinions from adoptees, and yet the only responses you single out for praise were made by adoptive parents. Why are adoptee voices always irrelevant? :( /

I just logged on and I guess I missed a comment that's now been deleted. (I see TxMomKns response but the comment she's responding to isn't there). AbusedAdoptee I see your comment and I see where you're coming from. I certainly hesitate to speak for anyone else but I don't feel like adoptionadmin's comment meant that adoptee's voices were irrelevant. I think because some APs hide the truth (and can give other APs a bad name) adoptionadmin felt the need to reinforce the APs who are "doing it right". One would expect adoptees to say "Hey, I have a right to know my story from day 1!". I don't think adoptionadmin was expecting to have several APs respond to this thread in that same way. That may have been a pleasant surprise and adoptionadmin thought it important to acknowledge APs for having such a healthy attitude (when we hear stories that show that that's not always the case.) Again, I don't want to speak for anyone but that's how I took it.

I understand what you're saying, but since the question was posted in the Adoptee section, I assumed that Admin wanted to hear from this group of members, not APs. .

2nd try...surprised I remembered to copy first I have no idea what happened yesterday because I was tending my ailing mom, but I can hazard a pretty good guess. Once you've lived your entire life with both strangers on the street, and people you know telling you with the words used, that is further compounded by societal messages clearly telling you - you better get down and kiss the ground that you were saved from a fate worse than death (being raised in your biological family)...you get triggered by words that bring all that back into focus. It doesn't matter if you think your parents can walk on water, or they were the worst parents anyone could be unlucky enough to get - it triggers you that to society et al - you are not allowed to have any other feeling than gratitude. Perhaps that is why this everything is so beautiful about adoption theme that now is the current trend - is also very triggering, as it is just the reverse language with the same under lying meaning of what we lived... Adoption just is what it is - it isn't something magical or mystical, it's just the reason we are where we are...and just like every other human being, we to make the best of whatever cards we have been dealt in life. None the less, to answer the question posed, I think a child should ALWAYS just know they were adopted. There should never exist any time a child can remember that they did not know they were adopted. I also think mom and dad did it right - we all had our story, we all had a mother and father in the story, we knew it was quite likely we had brothers and sisters and a whole other family out there. We also knew from very early on, that being curious, wanting to get to know them was pretty normal, that if, or when, we wanted to search - they would provide any assistance we needed. No fancy words, qualifiers or modifiers existed in our home. We each had another family, not a birth family, just a family. From all the adoptees I've spoken to who weren't told at a time when they would have always known, or weren't told at all - only one who found out in her senior years, wished she had never been told at all. Being told later, even in childhood was harder to varying degrees, than those who had always known and don't remember the reveal. Parents who wait (or don't intend to tell) are LYING to their children, deliberately, and I think that is just plain wrong...and that goes for donor conceived to...no human being wants to be lied to, especially when it evolves around who you are at the core... D

i don't think your voice is irrelevant. it's true--i'm an adoptive mom. it's also true that i've been reading on the adoptee forum for the entire 7 or so years that i've been a member here. it's your voice and the voices of the other regulars on this forum that help me navigate territory where i've never been. i read your posts and consider your words and then apply what i've learned to the ways i deal with my children and their adoption issues. i've learned a ton. i'll always be an immigrant to your world, but that doesn't mean i need to be ignorant to those who are native. what i've learned through reading here is priceless. and while i recognize that i can never replace their first family, that their life with me is different--it doesn't mean that i can't love them and do the best job i can as their mom. i'm blessed to have them in my life. and no, i don't think God decided to give me someone else's kids or that they were meant to be mine. they were meant to be Barbie's. but her addictions and choices made that unsafe. what i was was here and willing to take them as foster kids first and be allowed to become their mom when going home wasn't possible. i always listen. especially to the experts. and that's why i come here to read. you are the experts on growing up adopted. i learn from you. and i'm hoping to avoid the unnecessary pain and give my kids the ability to navigate through that which is unavoidable by hearing your voices.

Well said Dickons. My parents were like yours - we always knew and they were just honest, factual and straightforward when it came to telling us about our other families.

EVERYONE has a relevant voice on here. All of your comments are valid, important and come from a very real place. We appreciate everyone's comments and are amazed by you on a daily basis. THANK YOU! :happydance:

Greenrobin--From an adoptee...thanks so much for your post..

My brother and I were told from day one. Adoption to us was as normal as putting on boots and playing in the snow. I may not know who I look like. But I sure know who I trust!

U.R.Beautiful !

Dear BethVA62 A sweet little burst of wind in my sail. Thank you. ...and you my daaaarrrling are gooorgeous!!

Ditto all the other responses. Our now 12 year old daughter always knew she was adopted. There is an Arthur episode called Big Brother Binky. Binky's family adopt a baby from China. We used the episode to help our daughter understand adoption and explained some parents can't take care of their children.