I dont know how to heal

I feel very troubled after a trigger lately. When I was seventeen I gave birth to a girl my parents placed for adoption. I had been date raped after drinking and doing drugs so my parents did not want to raise the child. A decision they really regretted later on. Giving the baby up was such a trauma for me that I went on doing drugs and ran away. I came back and finished my studies, then went on to University. I married and divorced and never healed from the experience. Its been more than 30 years. I stopped all drugs and drinking and became well known in my chosen career but could not face to have another baby. I regret that now, because at forty, I became a foster mother of a baby cousin. I have raised her since she was a toddler and I can truly say that motherhood made me find myself again, so here I am trying to put some pieces of me together. I have written my daughter letters, but she will not see me. She does not reply to my letters. We live in the same town now since I moved back ten years ago. I donԴt know what to do, but Im told the woman who adopted her is holding her back and made her promise never to contact me while she lives. I really donԴt know what to do. I feel Ive missed out so much, never having a good relationship with a man and could never see my child. ItԴs my foster daughter who is everything to me, but she will soon leave home. Im in counseling and it has really helped, but this wound seems so deep I donԴt know how to heal. Thanks for reading.