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Hi, All, this is my first time posting. I am discovering that talking to my husband, girlfriends and family hasn't helped me find peace. Maybe you can be my teachers.
Our DD's first birthday is approaching. She's been with us since the day of her birth. Her Bmom lives about a half day's drive from us. We have an open adoption, which contractually means letters and pictures every six months. Thus far, Bmom has seen DD for a visit at six months, had several emails and pics from both my husband and myself, and saw her several times while we were in the same city waiting for paperwork to clear.
Husband offered to Bmom to spend first birthday together, which I was okay with but not super duper thrilled at. He offered us to drive to her town to meet up for the day.
Asa it turns out, Bmom is now in a different state, with her family. She is still within a half-day's drive, but about two hours farther away. She offered to come to our city instead for DD's birthday.
Again, I can consider this but am not totally comfortable in having her at our house for a day or more. She could stay with us (not sure about that one!!) or she could stay in a hotel (not sure we should ask her to outlay that kind of money when she's just getting some steam going in her career and she doesn't have a lot to spend.)
I want to have a family birthday with our family and friends who are in town. I'm not sure how comfortable Bmom or loved ones would be all together for this happy occasion, another potential layer of weirdness.
I realize how special DDs bday is to Bmom; it's obviously special to us, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to open up our family home to Bmom, but I don't want to alienate her or shut her out, either. She's been nothing but pleasant when we've had contact with her. Even though I struggle with the knowledge that my daughter has a 'first mom' out there who's not me, I want to do right for my daughter and keep a pleasant relationship with Bmom.
Any suggestions?
Thanks so much!
Wannamama1
Again, I can consider this but am not totally comfortable in having her at our house for a day or more. She could stay with us (not sure about that one!!) or she could stay in a hotel (not sure we should ask her to outlay that kind of money when she's just getting some steam going in her career and she doesn't have a lot to spend.)
I want to have a family birthday with our family and friends who are in town. I'm not sure how comfortable Bmom or loved ones would be all together for this happy occasion, another potential layer of weirdness.
I realize how special DDs bday is to Bmom; it's obviously special to us, too. I'm not sure I'm ready to open up our family home to Bmom, but I don't want to alienate her or shut her out, either. She's been nothing but pleasant when we've had contact with her. Even though I struggle with the knowledge that my daughter has a 'first mom' out there who's not me, I want to do right for my daughter and keep a pleasant relationship with Bmom.
Any suggestions?
Thanks so much!
You know, I bet that she struggles too with the fact that her daughter has another mother out there who isn't her...Find the things that you both could struggle with like that...find the common ground...that's the only way to get past the 'weirdness' - be all for one and one for all...she took a huge chance - can't you do the same?
I'm an adoptee but that's what I felt reading your post - you and her other mother are opposite sides of the same coin...probably spending a day or more together would give you time to simply bask in how awesome your little one is without the other person saying enough already she's just a kid...who else could be as interested as the person who is the flip side of you?
Hopefully others who have experience will answer.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Having another mom isn't necessarily a bad thing, to me it's just like having another family member around. Think about it: as much as your husband loves your daughter there's only one other person in the world who loves her in the way that only a mom could love her. That's something you two will always share. The first year of our daughter's life we had no visits, by the birthmom's choice, and just in the past few months we've finally had the opportunity to visit with our daughter's birthmom and birth grandmother. You can tell there's a bond there, even though they've only met a few times. We get along well with our birthfamily because we have a lot in common, so I do think that helps us because there's no awkwardness between us.
During the first year there were MANY times where I wondered whether our birthmom would have raised our daughter differently, if she would have done it better. But in that second year I really started to gain confidence in my ability to be a good mom, and nothing beats hearing your child call you Mama and come rushing to you when she needs something. Perhaps as time goes on and you get more confident in your role then you won't mind as much having your birthmom join in on the fun.
Wannamamma1 - I'm in the opposite situation. I'm much more open to "openness" than my husband. Yes at first its "weird" but within 10 minutes of being reunited (Bugs First Mom & I) we remember why we were such a good "match" all along. I've had bugs first mom to my house. Not for an overnight but she got sick, I picked her up from work and she came to our house for a while until people were at her house to make sure she was safe. She sat on the couch Bug made her read a dozen books LOL, it was just our normal. No weird nothing. We both know that Bugs life is what we both want it to be and trust me, there is truly no one else on the planet who will be able to connect with you on the mom level like her.
Try not to see her as "competition". She's not, she's someone who chose you. She's someone who made you a mother. She's a fellow Mom in Arms (even if shes Mom to the same child). My daughters first Mom will be family for life. But I'm still finding it hard to bridge the gap and take her on family vacations. I really wish I would have had her with me though at Disney. Would have made it soooooo much easier! LOL. But we're moving forward, I hope that we can vacation together soon. That's something I'm working towards.
Reconnect; I'm telling you the "weird" will fall away. Bugs First Mom took the girls trick or treating with me a few weeks ago. She went to my Mom's and my cousins with me. My Mom & Dad were thrilled to see her. They hadn't seen her in a while. Parties can be hard together, my last party I did do separately but we've done them together too. It wasn't weird.
Sending you strength and hugs.
You have to be comfortable with the situation and think of your child, husband and Bmom at the same time. It definitely takes balance.
I recently read this article on open adoption boundaries and I thought it could be of interest to you:
[url=http://adoption.com/need-boundaries-even-healthy-open-adoption/]Why We Need Boundaries, Even in Healthy Open Adoption Relationships | Adoption.com[/url]
Hope that helps!
-Spud :Chewie:
[QUOTE=adoptionadmin]You have to be comfortable with the situation and think of your child, husband and Bmom at the same time. It definitely takes balance.
I recently read this article on open adoption boundaries and I thought it could be of interest to you:
[url=http://adoption.com/need-boundaries-even-healthy-open-adoption/]Why We Need Boundaries, Even in Healthy Open Adoption Relationships | Adoption.com[/url]
The sad thing about that article is that, per usual, it doesn't address that parents of origin are allowed to have boundaries that should be respected as well. My son's mom and dad have never, and will never, be invited to my home. My son has been to my home, not them. I'm not comfortable having his mom in my house, and that is ok. I really think that we do a disservice to open adoption when we act as if only the adoptive family is allowed to have boundaries.
Point being is that boundaries are good (although that word puts people on the defensive immediately) but then adoptive families need to be open to families of origin having boundaries as well. It is only fair and sometimes I get the feeling adoptive parents don't realize that they need to respect boundaries as well.
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Spud - I'm not sure a link on boundaries would be appropriate for this conversation. She's debating pushing her level of openness further, I think your link actually sets back the progress trying to make. Looking at "boundaries" would actually hurt the core concept of being more "open" in adoption.
Not criticizing just pointing out from my perspective how that could actually be detrimental if she's trying to get okay with being more open.
I am a birth/first mom from the "silent" era. My son's adoption didn't become "open" until he was 33 so what I have to say may not help. D invited my family to become part of his family celebrations. His dad was more comfortable with it than his mom was at first. I think it became easier for her when it became clear that the relationship we were building didn't change her relationship with her son and his family. Neither of us wanted me to replace her. In fact, for me personally, it is a joy to see him with his mom. (Admittedly, that's probably easier now than it would have been when he was a baby.)
If you are not comfortable with her staying in your home, can you reserve and pay for a motel room for her? (She may be as uncomfortable staying in your home as you are to have her.)