Helpful Suggestions For Adopting My Grandson

Bug the heck out of his CW so s/he knows you are serious. They get lots of calls from family who say they want to take the kids, but really don't. They just make a half-hearted effort so they can tell other family members they tried. If you are serious, then be a bit of a nudge, in a polite, respectful way of course.

So kin is an automatic "look good." They *want* to keep families together when possible. They want children to know their culture, their roots, etc. It is good for kids to have those things. Anything you could do to "look good" would have already been done. You could have your finances and home in order to take him in. You might have had contact with the caseworker from the get-go. Maybe you visited him a few times (understandably, you couldn't do weekly or even monthly visits with such a big distance to go). You could have asked for other means of communication (I texted, skyped, etc with the family who took our precious Monkey). However, at some point, it really isn't necessarily *best* for the child. You don't say how long he has been with this foster family. If he has been in care for 12 months and has been with them 10 of those months (and it will be 12 by the court hearing and possibly many more months by the time ICPC is completed as necessary for you to take physical custody), the question is whether it is best to move him from the home he's been in a full third of his life. This is even MORE problematic because he is already losing his biomom and lost his first foster family. Assuming he didn't have any other significant attachments (which is often unlikely with kids whose moms can't care well for them), losing a third caregiver, the only one he may remember at this point, may be extremely detrimental to him, especially if he is already exhibiting behavioral or mental health issues, even more so if attachment disorder is one of the concerns. I would encourage you to consider very carefully if it is truly in his best interest to be moved yet again. Maybe the foster family would keep you on as grandma? You could skype, do letters, pictures, facebook. You could send gifts. Some visitation could be possible to the degree it may have been possibly had he stayed with his parent. I text with my children's biological grandmother once or twice a week. Sometimes it is a couple texts and other times it is an hour or two worth. We've been up there. They've been down here. I'm friended with her on Facebook. We have also have more limited contact with an aunt and uncle as well as their children (my children's cousins).I'm *positive* that what I am saying is likely to hurt and be hard to swallow. Of course your care about your grandson. How could you let him go to strangers? But it may be best for HIM at this point. Or it may not be. Maybe that family isn't best for him. Maybe they've only had him two months and ICPC can be done in just 2-3 months between those two states. And maybe the caseworker can help you use ideas like those above to rekindle a relationship with the child in the inbetween. And you can use this time to find a good therapist as well as read up on Playful Parenting, Karyn Purvis, Adopting the Hurt Child, Whole Brain Discipline, Theraplay, etc. You can learn about cocooning and keeping his world small. You can learn about attachment and find a good attachment/play therapist. Please just consider carefully whether moving him is best.

So kin is an automatic "look good." They *want* to keep families together when possible. They want children to know their culture, their roots, etc. It is good for kids to have those things. Anything you could do to "look good" would have already been done. You could have your finances and home in order to take him in. You might have had contact with the caseworker from the get-go. Maybe you visited him a few times (understandably, you couldn't do weekly or even monthly visits with such a big distance to go). You could have asked for other means of communication (I texted, skyped, etc with the family who took our precious Monkey). However, at some point, it really isn't necessarily *best* for the child. You don't say how long he has been with this foster family. If he has been in care for 12 months and has been with them 10 of those months (and it will be 12 by the court hearing and possibly many more months by the time ICPC is completed as necessary for you to take physical custody), the question is whether it is best to move him from the home he's been in a full third of his life. This is even MORE problematic because he is already losing his biomom and lost his first foster family. Assuming he didn't have any other significant attachments (which is often unlikely with kids whose moms can't care well for them), losing a third caregiver, the only one he may remember at this point, may be extremely detrimental to him, especially if he is already exhibiting behavioral or mental health issues, even more so if attachment disorder is one of the concerns. I would encourage you to consider very carefully if it is truly in his best interest to be moved yet again. Maybe the foster family would keep you on as grandma? You could skype, do letters, pictures, facebook. You could send gifts. Some visitation could be possible to the degree it may have been possibly had he stayed with his parent. I text with my children's biological grandmother once or twice a week. Sometimes it is a couple texts and other times it is an hour or two worth. We've been up there. They've been down here. I'm friended with her on Facebook. We have also have more limited contact with an aunt and uncle as well as their children (my children's cousins). I'm *positive* that what I am saying is likely to hurt and be hard to swallow. Of course your care about your grandson. How could you let him go to strangers? But it may be best for HIM at this point. Or it may not be. Maybe that family isn't best for him. Maybe they've only had him two months and ICPC can be done in just 2-3 months between those two states. And maybe the caseworker can help you use ideas like those above to rekindle a relationship with the child in the inbetween. And you can use this time to find a good therapist as well as read up on Playful Parenting, Karyn Purvis, Adopting the Hurt Child, Whole Brain Discipline, Theraplay, etc. You can learn about cocooning and keeping his world small. You can learn about attachment and find a good attachment/play therapist. Please just consider carefully whether moving him is best. And then either way, work 100% at making that situation work best for him.

Test, test, test. Ugh.

Sorry about the above. I wrote a novella on another thread and it didn't post, just re-directed me to my login. Naturally the test post shows up without incident. I'm also not able to edit my posts, so I'll have to leave it there for now. Sorry to hijack!