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I am so done with the behavior of my 10 year old!!! Except, obviously, I don't get to be done. I get to parent and love this child who lies ALL THE TIME! And steals. And is defiant. Not bad tempered or oppositional, but classically defiant. And has no clue/care about how he affects those around him, or that he is damaging relationships maybe beyond repair with his behavior. I used to get angry, or hurt, or frustrated, or sad. Now I just feel deflated. 2 years of therapy. No improvement, except for medication. That actually has helped a great deal. Except it doesn't fix everything, just makes it more manageable. So I guess this is a rant, or a vent, but if you have any insights or ideas, please feel free to chime in. I am at the end of a very frayed rope. I have a son who lies. Multiple times a day. And steals multiple times a day. He has ADHD, and takes meds that help a lot. His mood swings/rages and impulsiveness are so much better on meds. As well as his severe distractability. But there is more going on, and no one can figure it out. But the lying and stealing. Gah! Where does this come from? I know we are not perfect parents, but I see nothing in our home life or parenting that would have developed this kind of behavior. (I know adoption is a trauma in and of itself, but he was a healthy adopted at birth boy, with a loving sweet birth mom who keeps in touch, no major childhood trauma, no illnesses, nothing we can point to, to give us clues) Several therapists have said that while they cant put a finger on what is going on in his head, it seems biologically based. They have mentioned bipolar, along with classic defiance, ADHD, and think thereҒs more, but have to work through the ADHD behaviors more to see whats really there. IҒm thinking maybe a chemical imbalance causing poor judgment, impulsivity, failure to see consequences. The most frustrating/scary part of it all is that he doesnt seem to feel remorse. He is never sorry, constantly shifts blame, and when he is caught (like the stolen item is discovered in his room) he shrugs and doesnҒt seem to care (after trying to blame someone else for putting it there). I am at a loss. He is a charming, happy, absolutely delightful, fun, creative, very talented, super-smart kid. I have been told by therapists that the super-smart-ness is part of the problem, and has contributed to his delayed emotional development. He is in advanced classes at school, and his teachers love him. LOVE him. Cant figure out where I am coming from and why I take him out of school to see a therapist. They have him in enrichment program for smart creative kids. He loves it. He doesnҒt seem to steal from anyone but family. When th doctors have the teachers fill out forms on him, they come back perfect. Here at home its constant. Several times a day. Often itҒs just getting into things he knows hes not supposed to -getting into treats we have saved for dessert, sneaking food into his room and stashing the wrappers under is mattress, sneaking into my room and getting into stuff, etc., but sometimes itҒs outright stealing money, toys, whatever he happens to want. If he wants it, he takes it. Like toddler mentality. I LOVE this kid! He is the light of my life! He is awesome! And I cant trust him at all. And I am so sad about that. It is a tough balancing act to understand the need to nurture, love and advocate for him, to get him the help he needs, and to let him know I am there for him and love him no matter what. And on the flip side, another job as a parent is to prepare him to live in a world that will have no tolerance for his crap. I honestly do not know how much is a conscious choice, and how much is compulsive, and two years of therapists (and MANY books) have not gotten us any closer to answers or behavior improvement. I am tired. I feel powerless. Late last night when I caught him in bed with my tablet (that he is not allowed to use, that he swore he didnҒt know where it was when I was looking for it at bedtime) playing online games, I just felt powerless. I knew that nothing I could say would have any effect. Punishments do not phase him. Loss of privileges do not have any effect (of course there will be traumatic outbursts of the world coming to an end when they are dished out, but no change in behavior). Rewards do not work. Anger has no effect. Sadness has no effect. Hes not going trick or treating this week, and he was pretty upset about that. We did give him an opportunity to earn some of his trick or treating time back (not all) in increments by good choices/honesty this week. So heҒs eager to do that. It will be a miracle if he earns an hour. It might make for a better week, but it wont work long-term. I am tired. I feel powerless. He is on a rough path and he doesnҒt even get it. It breaks my heart.
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What kind of therapy has he been in? What was his past? EMDR works wonders.
Juliana13
I am so done with the behavior of my 10 year old!!! Except, obviously, I don't get to be done. I get to parent and love this child who lies ALL THE TIME! And steals. And is defiant. Not bad tempered or oppositional, but classically defiant. And has no clue/care about how he affects those around him, or that he is damaging relationships maybe beyond repair with his behavior. I used to get angry, or hurt, or frustrated, or sad. Now I just feel deflated. 2 years of therapy. No improvement, except for medication. That actually has helped a great deal. Except it doesn't fix everything, just makes it more manageable. So I guess this is a rant, or a vent, but if you have any insights or ideas, please feel free to chime in. I am at the end of a very frayed rope. I have a son who lies. Multiple times a day. And steals multiple times a day. He has ADHD, and takes meds that help a lot. His mood swings/rages and impulsiveness are so much better on meds. As well as his severe distractability. But there is more going on, and no one can figure it out. But the lying and stealing. Gah! Where does this come from? I know we are not perfect parents, but I see nothing in our home life or parenting that would have developed this kind of behavior. (I know adoption is a trauma in and of itself, but he was a healthy adopted at birth boy, with a loving sweet birth mom who keeps in touch, no major childhood trauma, no illnesses, nothing we can point to, to give us clues) Several therapists have said that while they cant put a finger on what is going on in his head, it seems biologically based. They have mentioned bipolar, along with classic defiance, ADHD, and think thereҒs more, but have to work through the ADHD behaviors more to see whats really there. IҒm thinking maybe a chemical imbalance causing poor judgment, impulsivity, failure to see consequences. The most frustrating/scary part of it all is that he doesnt seem to feel remorse. He is never sorry, constantly shifts blame, and when he is caught (like the stolen item is discovered in his room) he shrugs and doesnҒt seem to care (after trying to blame someone else for putting it there). I am at a loss. He is a charming, happy, absolutely delightful, fun, creative, very talented, super-smart kid. I have been told by therapists that the super-smart-ness is part of the problem, and has contributed to his delayed emotional development. He is in advanced classes at school, and his teachers love him. LOVE him. Cant figure out where I am coming from and why I take him out of school to see a therapist. They have him in enrichment program for smart creative kids. He loves it. He doesnҒt seem to steal from anyone but family. When th doctors have the teachers fill out forms on him, they come back perfect. Here at home its constant. Several times a day. Often itҒs just getting into things he knows hes not supposed to -getting into treats we have saved for dessert, sneaking food into his room and stashing the wrappers under is mattress, sneaking into my room and getting into stuff, etc., but sometimes itҒs outright stealing money, toys, whatever he happens to want. If he wants it, he takes it. Like toddler mentality. I LOVE this kid! He is the light of my life! He is awesome! And I cant trust him at all. And I am so sad about that. It is a tough balancing act to understand the need to nurture, love and advocate for him, to get him the help he needs, and to let him know I am there for him and love him no matter what. And on the flip side, another job as a parent is to prepare him to live in a world that will have no tolerance for his crap. I honestly do not know how much is a conscious choice, and how much is compulsive, and two years of therapists (and MANY books) have not gotten us any closer to answers or behavior improvement. I am tired. I feel powerless. Late last night when I caught him in bed with my tablet (that he is not allowed to use, that he swore he didnҒt know where it was when I was looking for it at bedtime) playing online games, I just felt powerless. I knew that nothing I could say would have any effect. Punishments do not phase him. Loss of privileges do not have any effect (of course there will be traumatic outbursts of the world coming to an end when they are dished out, but no change in behavior). Rewards do not work. Anger has no effect. Sadness has no effect. Hes not going trick or treating this week, and he was pretty upset about that. We did give him an opportunity to earn some of his trick or treating time back (not all) in increments by good choices/honesty this week. So heҒs eager to do that. It will be a miracle if he earns an hour. It might make for a better week, but it wont work long-term. I am tired. I feel powerless. He is on a rough path and he doesnҒt even get it. It breaks my heart.
We have done EMDR. He does amazing in therapy, and the therapist always says what a successful session it is, but the behavior does not improve, at least not lastingly.I don't think it is related to past issues. He was adopted at birth, no known trauma or issues (besides the obvious one of being adopted). We did get in to see a world-famous neuropsycologist (a bit of luck) and he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. It is a relief to have that diagnosis, to have a cause, and some understanding. From someone who does not hand them out lightly, knows what they are talking about, and understands an works with kids like this a lot. So we are taking new approaches, as we better understand why it is just so hard for him to control and/or change his behavior. It has been almost a year since the original post, and he is doing much better. Lying and stealing are down dramatically. Not because he has any moral dilemma with them, unfortunately, but because we have made it in his best interest to be honest and keep his hands off things that are not his. He is in no way trustworthy. It is still exhausting, and I worry about his future, keeping friends, having roommates in college who get to live with him, his future wife... I know, it's years away, but still. Change is so slow, and it so hard to be his mom sometimes. To hold him and love him when he needs it, even when I feel emotionally beat up by him.It is a fine line sometimes between knowing when to give him the nurturing that I see that he needs when he's acting terribly', and when to take some space, to teach him that how he treats me is not okay, and it will drive people away, but still assuring him that I will never be driven away, but will NOT take what feels like emotional abuse from him.I don't wanh to be too hard on his heart, which IS tender, but goodness! he can be mean and defiant and awful sometimes.
I came across this today when digging once again for answers for out son. Your story sounds remarkably similar to ours, with the exception of definite trauma in our adoption. I'm just wondering if things ever really worked themselves out or what other methods of therapy you have tried since these posts that may have helped. I'm sure you can understand the helpless grasping at straws kind of feeling that brings me to ask these questions...
We have done EMDR. He does amazing in therapy, and the therapist always says what a successful session it is, but the behavior does not improve, at least not lastingly.I don't think it is related to past issues. He was adopted at birth, no known trauma or issues (besides the obvious one of being adopted). We did get in to see a world-famous neuropsycologist (a bit of luck) and he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. It is a relief to have that diagnosis, to have a cause, and some understanding. From someone who does not hand them out lightly, knows what they are talking about, and understands an works with kids like this a lot. So we are taking new approaches, as we better understand why it is just so hard for him to control and/or change his behavior. It has been almost a year since the original post, and he is doing much better. Lying and stealing are down dramatically. Not because he has any moral dilemma with them, unfortunately, but because we have made it in his best interest to be honest and keep his hands off things that are not his. He is in no way trustworthy. It is still exhausting, and I worry about his future, keeping friends, having roommates in college who get to live with him, his future wife... I know, it's years away, but still. Change is so slow, and it so hard to be his mom sometimes. To hold him and love him when he needs it, even when I feel emotionally beat up by him.It is a fine line sometimes between knowing when to give him the nurturing that I see that he needs when he's acting terribly', and when to take some space, to teach him that how he treats me is not okay, and it will drive people away, but still assuring him that I will never be driven away, but will NOT take what feels like emotional abuse from him.I don't wanh to be too hard on his heart, which IS tender, but goodness! he can be mean and defiant and awful sometimes.