th truth of foster care-a warning!

I would agree that one should not foster with the intention of adopting but rather foster with an openess to adopt. Of course the laws are set up to protect the parent/child relationship and foster parents are not meant to come in as "better" parents and have equal rights to the parents at all. I think you should look at foster parenting like having unprotected sex---you are doing it for the enjoyment, fully realizing that there is a chance you could become a parent in the process.:prop:

I LOVE that. I will be stealing it and using it at my whimsy!!! I will give you credit, of course!

Beautifully put. We are fost-adopt in our state (no straight adoption but we aren't straight foster either. we have a foster license so we can foster for the 6 month trial period for a specific case, but cannot take kids/groups with the goal of RU) but I still love this. Anything can happen in the 11th hour stretch

This is what we are counting on- we still have a chance at adopting our current placement, but it is a very miniscule chance. We are counting on God for a miracle! prayers please!!!

It sounds like you are hurting and not able to keep someone you came to love. For that, I'm sorry. As a kinship adopter, posts like this really trigger defensiveness on my side. DNA does matter. Thats not to minimize adoptive parents who don't share genes. But if a biological relative.. who shares the face, the oral history, the connection to cousins.. is stable and willing to adopt, they should have the opportunity

wcurry, generally I agree with you. But I think it should be weighed out. I recently got information about a situation we may be able to jump into. It would be as fictive kin. Now, if the child is in a straight foster home, then there is no reason for me not to jump in. However, if this family has been told from the get-go that they would likely get to adopt, I'm just not willing to hurt another foster family in the way I've been hurt when that is the only family this little girl has ever known. Then there are all the scenarios between the two <sigh> Monkey is NOT better off even though the fictive kin situation does give her some access to family members she would have had less access to. What was done to her was just plain and simply WRONG and she will pay for the system and her "parents" for a long time, if not forever. At the same time, we've sent other kids to family and fictive kin without an issue. I was heartbroken when I sibling set of three moved to fictive kin after I had been told from the get-go (like before they got into the house!) that they'd likely be adoptable. However, that fictive kin gives them a LOT of access to their relatives and we had only had them five months. There were concerns, but the family addressed those and the kids have done well. I'm happy for them :) I just think that at some point, the foster family *is* better for the child. Many times, the foster family has more of a relationship with the child than the family member ever had. Sometimes, they are even better able to keep relationships with family! I just think it should be weighed out carefully.I'm sitting here now waiting another month for court to find out about Squishy. The parents want to adopt him out privately and because of their rights, they *may* have a small chance of doing so. How is THAT in Squishy's best interest? Should we break attachments just to do so? Because we can? To go to strangers across the country? The ONLY reason this may be done is because the parents have the right to do it (if the judge determines they do). However, I could definitely see that there may be some argument for it if he was going to where one of his siblings is or to a grandparent or something. That isn't the case, but I could suck up the heartbreak a lot easier if there was any real reason to risk breaking attachment and my heart.Again, I support siblings being together as well as children going to kin. I just think it needs to be done in a timely fashion. And that the relationship with foster families need to be considered when it is not. I read a situation this weekend of a very young child being moved after two years and it is going to take about a year to do it due to circumstances. The child doesn't even remember another family, has become a part of the family he is with, etc. How does it make sense at all to move him? I just really need to say that I *do* support kin getting children. Most of the time, if it can be done in a reasonable amount of time, it *should* be done. It does seem too many foster families are wanting ties to be broken with family too early in the case. What *I* would like to see done is that caseworkers were *very* aggressive about finding kin within the first several weeks of a case. They should be able to use ANY means possible. They should also find out if it is workable to send kiddo there immediately as well as to give the family only a short amount of time to make a decision regarding now or future interest (for example, by the end of 90 days, they should know if each person could step in now or as soon as RU is no longer the goal). ICPC should be worked out as soon as possible, not started at the last moment. ICPC rules should be known (seriously, make a chart, people!) and shared with all parties ASAP. Kids should be moved as soon as possible. Sorry to ramble. I just wish the kids were thought about within any of this at all and that doesn't seem to be the case too many times now. And fact is that foster families *should* count at some point in some cases.

wcurry, generally I agree with you. But I think it should be weighed out. I recently got information about a situation we may be able to jump into. It would be as fictive kin. Now, if the child is in a straight foster home, then there is no reason for me not to jump in. However, if this family has been told from the get-go that they would likely get to adopt, I'm just not willing to hurt another foster family in the way I've been hurt when that is the only family this little girl has ever known. Then there are all the scenarios between the two <sigh> Monkey is NOT better off even though the fictive kin situation does give her some access to family members she would have had less access to. What was done to her was just plain and simply WRONG and she will pay for the system and her "parents" for a long time, if not forever. At the same time, we've sent other kids to family and fictive kin without an issue. I was heartbroken when I sibling set of three moved to fictive kin after I had been told from the get-go (like before they got into the house!) that they'd likely be adoptable. However, that fictive kin gives them a LOT of access to their relatives and we had only had them five months. There were concerns, but the family addressed those and the kids have done well. I'm happy for them :) I just think that at some point, the foster family *is* better for the child. Many times, the foster family has more of a relationship with the child than the family member ever had. Sometimes, they are even better able to keep relationships with family! I just think it should be weighed out carefully. I'm sitting here now waiting another month for court to find out about Squishy. The parents want to adopt him out privately and because of their rights, they *may* have a small chance of doing so. How is THAT in Squishy's best interest? Should we break attachments just to do so? Because we can? To go to strangers across the country? The ONLY reason this may be done is because the parents have the right to do it (if the judge determines they do). However, I could definitely see that there may be some argument for it if he was going to where one of his siblings is or to a grandparent or something. That isn't the case, but I could suck up the heartbreak a lot easier if there was any real reason to risk breaking attachment and my heart. Again, I support siblings being together as well as children going to kin. I just think it needs to be done in a timely fashion. And that the relationship with foster families need to be considered when it is not. I read a situation this weekend of a very young child being moved after two years and it is going to take about a year to do it due to circumstances. The child doesn't even remember another family, has become a part of the family he is with, etc. How does it make sense at all to move him? I just really need to say that I *do* support kin getting children. Most of the time, if it can be done in a reasonable amount of time, it *should* be done. It does seem too many foster families are wanting ties to be broken with family too early in the case. What *I* would like to see done is that caseworkers were *very* aggressive about finding kin within the first several weeks of a case. They should be able to use ANY means possible. They should also find out if it is workable to send kiddo there immediately as well as to give the family only a short amount of time to make a decision regarding now or future interest (for example, by the end of 90 days, they should know if each person could step in now or as soon as RU is no longer the goal). ICPC should be worked out as soon as possible, not started at the last moment. ICPC rules should be known (seriously, make a chart, people!) and shared with all parties ASAP. Kids should be moved as soon as possible. Sorry to ramble. I just wish the kids were thought about within any of this at all and that doesn't seem to be the case too many times now. And fact is that foster families *should* count at some point in some cases.

I agree with servnjah. We have 2 boys that have a grandmother going through ICPC. I was told it could take over 14 months. It's with a neighboring state, not across the country! Meanwhile these toddlers are attaching to us. That time frame needs to be sped up a huge amount. It's not fair to the kids or the family if it would be a good fit.

I absolutely agree! every case is unique. heck, i had to think hard about my own stance this past month as my cousin is off the rails. at the end of the day, even when the bps are a pain. in my case having J have be connected to her kin is better for her thanks for the reminder

servnjah you are so right, decisions need to be made much sooner rather than later. Our current placement went off track from the jump. They were so determined to pull the child and remove rights that no one looked for relatives or proper kin.Mom visited him one time and then said she was done because "when the state takes your kids, they keep them so why fight it" - WTF!?!? We later find that Gma has the older sibling but does not want JB. I understand that she may not be able to handle him, he is a lot to handle, but she has to know someone that can and will take him. CW won't ask and keeps insisting we keep him just to keep him. We have repeatedly expressed the desire NOT to adopt but we are not having him moved because it would ruin him if his next placement is not permanent. She tells me every month that she is looking for an adoptive placement but then says it will take a while because they had to wait for DNA from dad who already has ASKED to relinquish rights from the start. In my opinion she is dragging her feet because he is placed and taken care of. The problem is that the longer he is here the more he attaches to our family and moving him months from now is going to trigger his behaviors. She has already stated that they are not planning to go back to court until May, at that point he will have been in care for 11 months and they have only gone to court for him once since he came into care back in April!!! The system is broken and these kids are feeling the pinch. **I came into Fostering for many reasons, adoption of a legally free child being one of them - just being honest. But the way that things go and the lies that get told make it hard to keep focus on your goal when your are constantly pissed on and told that it's raining.

**Correction - he will have been in care 13 months when they go back to court.

whenlovetakesyouin2 - It is hard. I agree, the system is broken. Unfortunately I don't see them caring about anyone. They don't support foster parents, they certainly don't handle things in the "best interests" of the child and I don't see them doing a great job with the parents either. I think parental rights protection is extremely important. Up to and until it impedes on the child's rights. I had a similar tragedy happen to my FFS. He came to me with his sister at 15 months she was a newborn. They were together for nearly 2 years. They had 4 other siblings 3 before and 1 after DD. The 3 brothers were in another home (3rd or 4th since they were brought in to care. My kiddos only moved once. Mom never worked plan Dad was in prison. Within 3 months of Dad getting out of prison the "team" changed his plan to R/U. Dad had been in prison his entire life. Only ever out long enough to create a child and go back to prison. Burglary, Drugs, Grand Theft. You name it. So since they had no other placement options for FFS they decided RU with Dad would happen quickly as they were approaching two years in care. Well FFS was severely neglected by both parents. He at 15 months didn't walk, use a spoon, talk nor actively play. He was also 6 months or more behind on his shots. So he gets moved within about a month to a man he'd never seen (no visits) and ends up back in care because the cops broke down Dad's door for cooking meth while the kids were in the apartment. So yep. I get it. The pain of that placement was so horrific. I see his sister growing and happy and it just breaks my heart as he regressed and the bright happy bubbly little boy he was once, has been diminished. Newbie Foster Parents should take heed. It's hard Sobbing while separating out his toys and all. The changes we made in him were worth it. He was worth it. But my head and heart couldn't watch it happen over and over. I saw it through 8 foster kids, each time I didn't see the "best interest" happening.

I don't know the answers, but I do know that I am fostering while looking to adopt privately. The stats are stunning when you look at the percent of kids brought into care for "poverty" related issues. I sometimes wonder, if these services were available before DCFS got involved would we have so many kids in care. I am not talking about the physical, sexual, or emotional abuse but the neglect cases. We offer mom and kids therapists, parenting classes, life coaches, day care, and tons of other services once the kids have been removed. Why not before?? So while I hope to adopt, I don't go into fostering as the route for adoption. I guess I just hope that the parents get it together. I remember a case early on when a sibling set (1 and 3) I would have adopted in a heartbeat were brought into care for neglect. Mom had them in an unsafe apartment. Well rent was about $350 for a two bedroom. Mom worked full time at some fast food joint, babysitting ate up all the extra money. Heat got turned off and they were using heaters. Dangerous? Yes. But my goodness if they had given mom a bit of help the DCF involvement would not have been needed. I have seen too many cases like this to be completely okay with DCF. "My two cents"

This thread brings up some interesting topics. Here are some of my thoughts. 1. You're absolutely right when you say we should not be fostering with the intent to adopt - unless we are fostering legally free children who have an adoption goal. I know it's hard and I've been there are likely will be again, but we have volunteered to serve a very specific purpose as foster parents. That doesn't meant we have to accept everything at face value, it doesn't mean we can't advocate for the kids in our care, and it doesn't mean we shouldn't be part of positive change. But it does mean that we agree to be part of a team working towards reunification until that goal is changed - if it's changed. 2. I agree that there need to be more rigorous conditions to interrupt foster placements for kinship. Removing a child who has bonded since birth with foster parents in favor of a distant relative they've never met is traumatic. Biology shouldn't be the only factor in those decisions. We had a kiddo leave us for a great aunt and we were really uncomfortable with the circumstances and her ability to keep him away from his father and, therefore, safe. Sure enough he's been back in care twice since, with inappropriate sexual behaviors that developed at some point. Heartbreaking. 3. That being said I know a lot of awesome kinship caregivers. A lot. I just can't believe that a non-immediate (cousin, great uncle, etc.) biological bond that's not backed with sociological nurturing is always 100% the best. Think about it - that's saying that as adoptive parents we are never the best choice for our kids since we don't share DNA . We know that's not true, so how can the foster cafe system hang on to such antiquated thinking? 4. We had a great caseworker when we fostered our now adopted kids. There was a point where both great grandparents and a family friend came forward and expressed interest in becoming caregivers. In both cases their homes, backgrounds, etc. were thoroughly examined and, in both cases, it was found to be in the best interest of the kids to remain with us. So, it can happen, but it takes a great worker who isn't afraid to advocate and take everything into consideration. That caseworker as since passed away, but I owe him a great deal. He stood up for what he knew was right.

I got into fostering planning to do it for a few years then privately adopt.... I never got there. My first 2 placements have stayed, the first set victims of generational dysfuntion so they already knew no suitable kin existed as the parents had just aged out of care themselves, and the second set were voluntary surrenders. I live in a area rampant with drug abuse, and the courts are pretty rough on the parents to get it together within the first year for kids under the age of 5. But I think we step outside our comfort zone frequently to ensure there is openness, with birth families while also setting clear boundaries, we intend to allow grandparent visits as long as the grandparents will keep their relationship with their grand kids separate from their relationship with their kids. So far no one seems to mind. My stand is if your kids weren't worth fighting for, then I'm not going to allow you to be in and out of their lives. You made the choices to get out, but I do share pictures and updates, and I maintain contact so when they do turn 18 we can find them.