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My husband and I are in the process of an international adoption in Peru. We are considering a sibling group however we would like to hear from people who have done this how much harder/easier/same/ it would be. Is it more challenging? emotionally/socially/bonding wise? We want to be prepared for this when the time comes to commit to a sibling group.
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[url=http://adoptperu.com/]adoptperu | Bringing Home Peru Child[/url]
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When you adopt two or more children at once, it is always harder for both the children and the parents. That is why many good agencies don't let you adopt two or more unrelated children at the same time, and ask that you wait a year after you bring home one child, before sending in the paperwork for another. Each child deserves time to bond with his/her new parents, and each parent needs time to bond with his/her new children. Bonding and attachment do not come easily. It's often not "love at first sight". Anger, fear, and grief -- sometimes fairly strong for months -- are common among the children, especially the older ones. Parents often feel as if there's a stranger in the house, for quite a while. Post-adoption depression isn't uncommon, when the stress and joy of adopting wear off, and sleep deprivation and challenging behaviors of a child who may not know how to live in a family kick in.Adopting siblings at the same time is allowed simply because it would be wrong to split them up. Very often, siblings have a close bond and have helped each other through hard times in their birth family, in foster homes, in orphanages, or on the street. It's good for them to have each other, and they may be the only family they remember. No decent social worker would tell a family to adopt one child now and his biological brother next year, or give one child to one family and another to a different family (except in certain very uncommon and painful circumstances).On the other hand, some siblings are so close that, upon adoption, they cling to each other and refuse to try to bond to their new parents. They continue to speak their own language, to do for each other what parents should do -- dealing with nightmares, boo-boos, requests for a snack -- and try to live in their own little world. This can actually make sibling adoption very challenging, as the parents feel rejected and are tempted to pull away, when what they really need to do is to break into that world and try to transfer parenting responsibilities from the children to themselves. It can be a very long, hard road, and can put a great strain on a couple's marriage, jobs, etc.Becoming an instant family with three or four children isn't easy, even when the children are more open to bonding. Many children come home from overseas with a bunch of medical issues -- intestinal parasites like Giardia, for example -- that are pretty minor, but that can take a great many doctor visits to diagnose and treat. Just when parents are thinking about going back to work or getting more sleep, their calendars are filling up with these appointments, while their wallets are getting lighter and lighter. The first year can be rough. Can you deal with a kid who needs major dental work immediately (many internationally adopted children have terrible teeth), another child who needs a lot of testing because he turns out to be Hep. B positive, and a little guy who has major feeding issues like texture avoidance that are keeping him from gaining weight? Can your wallet and your insurance deal with all that in your first year home with your children? Add in tantrums, night terrors, regression behaviors like toileting accidents, anxious attachment symptoms like being terrified if you go into another part of the house, and those constant minor bugs that all kids tend to get, and you are very likely to wonder, "What in heck was I thinking of when I adopted 3 kids at once?"Add in some typical adoption issues like dealing with a relative who refuses to accept the children as members of the family, dealing with people who make racially or ethnically offensive statements, teaching the children to celebrate their cultural heritage when too many Americans view it negatively, dealing with rude questions about adoption, and so on, and you may feel like checking into the nearest mental health facility.And those are relatively "easy" problems. Looking at worst case scenarios, birthmom may have drunk alcohol during at least one pregnancy. Many non-Western countries do not recognize "fetal alcohol spectrum disorders" as a diagnostic category, and many very young children don't have the typical facial features associated with the condition. However, they may, as they approach school age, begin to display very abnormal behaviors, if their brains have been affected significantly. They may be impulsive and unable to understand cause and effect. They may have learning disabilities, mild or severe. And so on. Will you be able to handle one child with FASD and two healthy ones? What about two or more with FASD?What if one child has a problem requiring surgery, such as a heart defect? With two other children, newly adopted and still unfamiliar with the language and family routines, will you have enough time to spend with the hospitalized child AND meet the healthier children's needs? Will your insurance be adequate if a second child needs major dental work under anesthesia, that year?The older a child is when adopted, the more likely it is that he/she will have had negative life experiences in his/her birth family, orphanage, or foster home, or on the streets. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse occur, and are not exactly rare, and some abuse can leave very long lasting psychiatric issues. While many children are surprisingly resilient, will you be able to cope if you discover that your oldest child, who was in a different foster home from the other children, was molested by the foster grandfather and is now acting out sexually towards one of his siblings? With one child, you might be able to deal with getting the help he needs. With multiple children, newly home and still unfamiliar with the rules of family living, will you be able to protect the others while treating the oldest?Now, that scenario isn't very likely. But as many adoptive parents will tell you, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And remember that those families who discover that they are pregnant with three or four babies have a mighty stressful first few years after the kids are born. Those families who adopt three or four children at once from a foreign country -- children who may have known poverty, who may not have known the joy of having loving parents, who may never have gone to school, who may have medical or mental health issues -- may well have a far more stressful first few years.Children in sibling groups, except for young twins, are very hard to place for adoption, because most families can imagine how difficult that kind of "instant parenthood" can be. It is sad, but in a way, it is good because being realistic about parents' limitations can prevent disruptions and dissolutions of adoptions. On the other hand, if you are one of those wonderful couples that can go into parenting with wide-open eyes, that can do a great deal of preparation for the adoption, that can be extremely flexible, that can count on a strong family and social support system, and that can think realistically about the financial demands, you definitely should go forward. You will be helping children who might otherwise spend their entire childhood in an institution, only to be pushed out the door at 16 or so, without an education or job skills. And with any luck, your home will be full of a great deal of love, joy, mischief, noise, and occasional tears that you can help to wipe away.
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When you adopt two or more children at once, it is always harder for both the children and the parents. That is why many good agencies don't let you adopt two or more unrelated children at the same time, and ask that you wait a year after you bring home one child, before sending in the paperwork for another. Each child deserves time to bond with his/her new parents, and each parent needs time to bond with his/her new children. Bonding and attachment do not come easily. It's often not "love at first sight". Anger, fear, and grief -- sometimes fairly strong for months -- are common among the children, especially the older ones. Parents often feel as if there's a stranger in the house, for quite a while. Post-adoption depression isn't uncommon, when the stress and joy of adopting wear off, and sleep deprivation and challenging behaviors of a child who may not know how to live in a family kick in.
Adopting siblings at the same time is allowed simply because it would be wrong to split them up. Very often, siblings have a close bond and have helped each other through hard times in their birth family, in foster homes, in orphanages, or on the street. It's good for them to have each other, and they may be the only family they remember. No decent social worker would tell a family to adopt one child now and his biological brother next year, or give one child to one family and another to a different family (except in certain very uncommon and painful circumstances).
On the other hand, some siblings are so close that, upon adoption, they cling to each other and refuse to try to bond to their new parents. They continue to speak their own language, to do for each other what parents should do -- dealing with nightmares, boo-boos, requests for a snack -- and try to live in their own little world. This can actually make sibling adoption very challenging, as the parents feel rejected and are tempted to pull away, when what they really need to do is to break into that world and try to transfer parenting responsibilities from the children to themselves. It can be a very long, hard road, and can put a great strain on a couple's marriage, jobs, etc.
Becoming an instant family with three or four children isn't easy, even when the children are more open to bonding. Many children come home from overseas with a bunch of medical issues -- intestinal parasites like Giardia, for example -- that are pretty minor, but that can take a great many doctor visits to diagnose and treat. Just when parents are thinking about going back to work or getting more sleep, their calendars are filling up with these appointments, while their wallets are getting lighter and lighter.
The first year can be rough. Can you deal with a kid who needs major dental work immediately (many internationally adopted children have terrible teeth), another child who needs a lot of testing because he turns out to be Hep. B positive, and a little guy who has major feeding issues like texture avoidance that are keeping him from gaining weight? Can your wallet and your insurance deal with all that in your first year home with your children? Add in tantrums, night terrors, regression behaviors like toileting accidents, anxious attachment symptoms like being terrified if you go into another part of the house, and those constant minor bugs that all kids tend to get, and you are very likely to wonder, "What in heck was I thinking of when I adopted 3 kids at once?"
Add in some typical adoption issues like dealing with a relative who refuses to accept the children as members of the family, dealing with people who make racially or ethnically offensive statements, teaching the children to celebrate their cultural heritage when too many Americans view it negatively, dealing with rude questions about adoption, and so on, and you may feel like checking into the nearest mental health facility.
And those are relatively "easy" problems. Looking at worst case scenarios, birthmom may have drunk alcohol during at least one pregnancy. Many non-Western countries do not recognize "fetal alcohol spectrum disorders" as a diagnostic category, and many very young children don't have the typical facial features associated with the condition. However, they may, as they approach school age, begin to display very abnormal behaviors, if their brains have been affected significantly. They may be impulsive and unable to understand cause and effect. They may have learning disabilities, mild or severe. And so on. Will you be able to handle one child with FASD and two healthy ones? What about two or more with FASD?
What if one child has a problem requiring surgery, such as a heart defect? With two other children, newly adopted and still unfamiliar with the language and family routines, will you have enough time to spend with the hospitalized child AND meet the healthier children's needs? Will your insurance be adequate if a second child needs major dental work under anesthesia, that year?
The older a child is when adopted, the more likely it is that he/she will have had negative life experiences in his/her birth family, orphanage, or foster home, or on the streets. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse occur, and are not exactly rare, and some abuse can leave very long lasting psychiatric issues. While many children are surprisingly resilient, will you be able to cope if you discover that your oldest child, who was in a different foster home from the other children, was molested by the foster grandfather and is now acting out sexually towards one of his siblings? With one child, you might be able to deal with getting the help he needs. With multiple children, newly home and still unfamiliar with the rules of family living, will you be able to protect the others while treating the oldest?
Now, that scenario isn't very likely. But as many adoptive parents will tell you, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And remember that those families who discover that they are pregnant with three or four babies have a mighty stressful first few years after the kids are born. Those families who adopt three or four children at once from a foreign country -- children who may have known poverty, who may not have known the joy of having loving parents, who may never have gone to school, who may have medical or mental health issues -- may well have a far more stressful first few years.
Children in sibling groups, except for young twins, are very hard to place for adoption, because most families can imagine how difficult that kind of "instant parenthood" can be. It is sad, but in a way, it is good because being realistic about parents' limitations can prevent disruptions and dissolutions of adoptions. On the other hand, if you are one of those wonderful couples that can go into parenting with wide-open eyes, that can do a great deal of preparation for the adoption, that can be extremely flexible, that can count on a strong family and social support system, and that can think realistically about the financial demands, you definitely should go forward. You will be helping children who might otherwise spend their entire childhood in an institution, only to be pushed out the door at 16 or so, without an education or job skills. And with any luck, your home will be full of a great deal of love, joy, mischief, noise, and occasional tears that you can help to wipe away.