Advertisements
Advertisements
I put my first post in yesterday with great responses (thank you) but did not realize there was a specific area for adopting from your own family. We adopted my grandson from my then 19 year old daughter after she realized she could not care for him. He is now 2 years old and has always considered my wife and I, "mommy and daddy". She has since married (not the birth father) and is preagnant living with us while her husband is overseas in the service. Her plan is to have the baby and move back to Kansas. This has been the first interaction he has had with her since she left almost 2 years ago right after he was born. He calls her by her name as he does his sister/aunts and brother/uncle. We have not pushed the fact on him that this is his birthmom. We have several concerns about sharing information with him and the timing. But the recent concern is his birthmom coming in and out of his life like this? Not sure how he is going to feel, not sure he feels much as a 2 year old. But eventually we need to do and say something. Like I said before, it's been almost 2 years from when we last had our daughter over. We have a good relationship with her but never really trust that she is always sharing information with us and the reason we agree to the adoption was to keep the little guy safe and secure. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!
You are his parents parents , if she is just popping in and out and not saying who she is , there should be no problem why confuse the child at this time or see problems that aren't there yet
Advertisements
I agree for the immediate future. The tough questions will come up later! Why is she leaving, why can't I go, etc.
If it is the norm for the little guy he may not question it much. Does he wonder where the other siblings (aunt/uncle) are? Why they are coming and going? It will be no different for him. He is sure to ask when he gets a little more mature but if it's normal to him and you all act like it's no big deal then he will worry less. He will know that he is where he belongs. The deep truth (if there is even an underlying reason besides her maturity) doesn't need to be told until he starts to ask specific questions and is able to process the truth. You will not be telling a lie to him because BM wasn't able to take care of him at the time. Two years later she is still getting her life together. The more you stress over these things the more he will feel the tension. I understand fully how you feel, beause I too have those thoughts with our little one. I just try to keep in mind that if we make her normal, she wont know any different until she is truly old enough to understand the whole truth. (and ours case is nothing to take lightly) BUT IT IS THE KIDS BEST INTEREST TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.
minehistheirs
If it is the norm for the little guy he may not question it much. Does he wonder where the other siblings (aunt/uncle) are? Why they are coming and going? It will be no different for him. He is sure to ask when he gets a little more mature but if it's normal to him and you all act like it's no big deal then he will worry less. He will know that he is where he belongs. The deep truth (if there is even an underlying reason besides her maturity) doesn't need to be told until he starts to ask specific questions and is able to process the truth. You will not be telling a lie to him because birthmom wasn't able to take care of him at the time. Two years later she is still getting her life together. The more you stress over these things the more he will feel the tension. I understand fully how you feel, beause I too have those thoughts with our little one. I just try to keep in mind that if we make her normal, she wont know any different until she is truly old enough to understand the whole truth. (and ours case is nothing to take lightly) BUT IT IS THE KIDS BEST INTEREST TO MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.
Thank you so much, best advise I have heard! We get caught up in the "what ifs" and we forget to live for the here and now. I have always felt if kids deserve to feel security and love from those who are their parents, adopted, foster etc. Thanks again.