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My husband is adopted. He found out at 32 and for the last 15 years has toyed with the idea of looking for his birth family off and on. Very brief background info is that his birth mother was his birth father's secretary and he was married with teenage daughters when my husband was born. Court records show that neither one told their respective families about the pregnancy. we put a post up in 2013 on ancestry.com looking for the birth father, thinking where else to try but a family history site. Dec 2014 we had a response from a woman who turned out to be my husband's niece. She in turn relayed the news to her mother, my husband's older half sister. Both this niece and sister have been very welcoming and eager to get to know the newest member of the family. the second biggest shock of all was finding out that the birth mother remained a close family friend for more than 40 years. It was suspected that the two were more than friendly but nothing ever was confirmed until last month. The biggest shick was learning that my husband's half sister had current contact details for his birth mother. She phoned the mother, told her they'd made contact with the son. Birth mother asked to have her details given to her son as she wanted to speak to him. My husband phoned his birth mother. Conversation went well, they even talked about the possibility of meeting up in the long term as she would like to meet him. The problem is that I'm now in the difficult position of trying to help him deal with the emotional roller coaster that this has become. He tells me that he has no idea what he's feeling, no way of putting it into words and I don't know what to do to help. I try to talk to him, but it seems like all I do is say the wrong thing. He has a horrible habit of creating scenarios which don't exist and getting worked up about them, which I just don't understand. Tonight he admitted he'd had a huge mental argument with her about something. I don't understand why energy would be wasted on inventing a scenario when the real ones to hand can't/haven't been addressed. Is this some kind of coping mechanism? I'm really struggling to know how to be supportive. I'm willing to talk about everything at any time but am constantly told " I don't know". I'm finding myself losing patience with his need to withdraw from everything, the inability to perform a simple task like making a cup of tea, and the constant excuses of sorry, my head's up my bum over all that's happened. I understand a lot has happened, but I don't understand why stopping everything, stopping living, is in any way a way to deal with these emotions and the shock. I understand that this has all been so sudden and a shock for him but I have no idea what to do. I can only understand what he's going through by what he tells me which is next to nothing. If anyone has any advice I could really use some. I'm feeling completely lost and out of my depth, and I know he's feeling worse than that. What can I say or do that will help?
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I've got to run right now but I will come back either tonight or tomorrow morning and provide you with some feedback. Hopefully with links to resources to explain better how utterly earthshattering this can be - especially I would imagine as a late discovery adoptee. I will also try to find something for you to try to understand what it is like to be adopted. Kind regards, Dickons
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The best advice I can give you is to allow him space to process this information in his own way. I know you want to be there for him. The best way to do that is to tell him you are there for him and will be there for him if he needs to talk or process things with you. And, then give him time to adjust to this. And, honestly, he probably doesn't know how he's feeling. The feelings are complex and not static. He may well be withdrawn for a while. When we first enter into reunion, a door opens into a world and life we could have had. It's our alternate universe, and it can be mind blowing. It can be difficult to focus on much else. Just know that, usually, with time, things settle out and our emotions tend to stabilize. I'm sure Dickons will give you some good resources for you and your husband to read.
Hi! I am also married to an adoptee though the situation is somewhat reversed. He always knew he was adopted, found his bmom, really wanted to meet her and she would not meet him (he was a secret). But I remember it being a very intense time and feeling like I was not being as supportive as I could. But the reality is is that he had to deal with it in his own way (he is not a big pontificator...more of an is what it is type). To be honest, it was intense then but since there is nothing to "do," now not so much. All this to say, I am sure he appreciates your support but he needs to figure it out in his own fashion because it is just really unique to him. Feel free to pm me if you want...it is sort of a weird situation to be in. Good luck to both of you!
Sdinning
My husband is adopted. He found out at 32 and for the last 15 years has toyed with the idea of looking for his birth family off and on. Very brief background info is that his birth mother was his birth father's secretary and he was married with teenage daughters when my husband was born. Court records show that neither one told their respective families about the pregnancy. we put a post up in 2013 on ancestry.com looking for the birth father, thinking where else to try but a family history site. Dec 2014 we had a response from a woman who turned out to be my husband's niece. She in turn relayed the news to her mother, my husband's older half sister. Both this niece and sister have been very welcoming and eager to get to know the newest member of the family. the second biggest shock of all was finding out that the birth mother remained a close family friend for more than 40 years. It was suspected that the two were more than friendly but nothing ever was confirmed until last month. The biggest shick was learning that my husband's half sister had current contact details for his birth mother. She phoned the mother, told her they'd made contact with the son. Birth mother asked to have her details given to her son as she wanted to speak to him. My husband phoned his birth mother. Conversation went well, they even talked about the possibility of meeting up in the long term as she would like to meet him. The problem is that I'm now in the difficult position of trying to help him deal with the emotional roller coaster that this has become. He tells me that he has no idea what he's feeling, no way of putting it into words and I don't know what to do to help. I try to talk to him, but it seems like all I do is say the wrong thing. He has a horrible habit of creating scenarios which don't exist and getting worked up about them, which I just don't understand. Tonight he admitted he'd had a huge mental argument with her about something. I don't understand why energy would be wasted on inventing a scenario when the real ones to hand can't/haven't been addressed. Is this some kind of coping mechanism? I'm really struggling to know how to be supportive. I'm willing to talk about everything at any time but am constantly told " I don't know". I'm finding myself losing patience with his need to withdraw from everything, the inability to perform a simple task like making a cup of tea, and the constant excuses of sorry, my head's up my bum over all that's happened. I understand a lot has happened, but I don't understand why stopping everything, stopping living, is in any way a way to deal with these emotions and the shock. I understand that this has all been so sudden and a shock for him but I have no idea what to do. I can only understand what he's going through by what he tells me which is next to nothing. If anyone has any advice I could really use some. I'm feeling completely lost and out of my depth, and I know he's feeling worse than that. What can I say or do that will help?
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