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I do not indicate the name of the agency; the "adoption agency guidelines" are a li' vague to me. I'm assuming that I can talk about an adoption professional or agency, provided the same is not named. If I am in error, please advise rather than ban? Thank you.
When I was 17, my APs made it clear to the agency that they wanted to be contacted if they heard from my Momma. A few months later, they received a correspondence from Momma. When I knew of this all those years ago, I thought that Momma had written to the agency about me; but she actually wrote the letter to me, placing the letter in their trust to deliver. Over 30 years later, I finally realize this; and during this last 30 years, they have not provided me this letter, forwarded this letter, or even mentioned its existence to me (even though I was at their office in the last 30 days requesting "any and all information available".
The agency strongly objected to reunion. My APs, however, knew that this was a need for me, and fought them. Finally, they relented.
Their first offer was to place themselves (unwanted, unneeded, uninvited, unwelcome) as an "arbiter" in which they would receive the correspondences and forward these to Momma and I; then move slowly to phone calls and finally, visits. I objected and became angry. My APs said "no, we'll deal with this ourselves and on our own terms. Our son is furious with this arrangement, and it will not work."
The agency then refused to provide contact information and argued profusely against the reunion (and us conducting this on our own) until my AM had to become very firm wih this and told them, blatently, "I want you OUT!"; placing the agency in the position that they must either openly defy our wishes, or relent. So they relented.
Then, I go searching for my Sister in the last couple months. The lady I spoke with initially was confident, relaxed and open; assuring me that she would do everything she could do to help; but first, we had to procure the file from another city. When I went to pick up the file, I saw the same lady. Her body language was totally ... TOTALLY ... different. She told me that she had no further information on my sister, no place to even begin to search, sat stiffly next to me with her legs crossed and arms folded, acting and sounding very uncomfortable in having this conversation.
I am a rational human being and can see rational reasons for all of these behaviors listed; but I also suffer from anxiety disorders and tend to be paranoid. So it makes it difficult for me sometimes -- I'll rationalize away true signs of impropriety, blaming it on my anxiety disorders, then turn around and fall prey to anxiety and paranoia when in fact there was no impropriety.
So, I'm taking this here, as I assume others here have had experiences with adoption agencies.
Are these kinds of behavior typical and normal, or are these kinds of behavior the nature of the beast?
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Dickons,I was replying to the post that it is not OK for the agency to withhold the information and how other agencies are doing. Somehow this got again into the parallel adoptees vs adoptive parents that I see way too often on this forum. The truth is that if the agency is not ethical with the birthfamily they are for sure not ethical with the adoptive family either. I know way too many cases in which foster parents or adoptive parents were not told the truth about that particular child and things got into a really bad situation (luckily it was not our case). It is really an agency issue and not an adoptee vs. adoptive parents issue. You could easily argue that they are lying to adoptive parents as well so that they can get money from them. Both this is already beyond the question that was asked.
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Dickons,
I was replying to the post that it is not OK for the agency to withhold the information and how other agencies are doing. Somehow this got again into the parallel adoptees vs adoptive parents that I see way too often on this forum. The truth is that if the agency is not ethical with the birthfamily they are for sure not ethical with the adoptive family either. I know way too many cases in which foster parents or adoptive parents were not told the truth about that particular child and things got into a really bad situation (luckily it was not our case). It is really an agency issue and not an adoptee vs. adoptive parents issue. You could easily argue that they are lying to adoptive parents as well so that they can get money from them. Both this is already beyond the question that was asked.
I'm on the fence about whether or not Dickons' post was an "adoptee vs adoptive parent" issue. I can see how it could be interpreted in that manner, and I can see how it could be interpreted as "adoptive parents AND adoptees vs. adoption agencies".
I will say that there is a point to be made in the influence and control agencies have over the adoption long after the adoption has been finalized. I feel adoption agencies should turn over all available information (ALL available information, save information safeguarded by privacy laws) to the adopted parents; then again to the adoptee when they have reached the age of majority; then get the heck out of it. Once their role of placing an adoptee into an adoptive parents' custody has been completed, their only remaining roles are the forwarding of needed or requested information.
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WhereisJennifer,
There was not even non-id available for me - the state did not require it be kept. They suggested I contact the adoption agency I was adopted from, despite advising them that I was adopted through the state, not an agency, in my letter requesting my non-id and any letters asked to be included. I even gave them the court ID numbers to my file because I had already received my mother's court surrender, my parents adoption petition, the adoption granted document, and the court overview of both sets of parents via court order.
Imagine how I would have felt knowing there was not even a file kept on me to provide basic non-identifying info like my mother was X years old and of X nationality and sang in a choir - blah blah blah - if I had not already received the court order approving the unsealing of those records.
Kind regards,
Dickons
I did not get the sense that Dickons was trying to perpetuate an adoptee v. aparent mentality. I heard her saying that the only reason aparents experience agencies in a different way is because the aparents pay them (they don't necessarily lie less to a parents, they are just nicer and more courteous to the paying customer.)
Agreed. Moreover, dpom seems to be referring to contacts with the agency during the adoption process or shortly thereafter. We're talking about what happens years after the adoption is finalized.
Sadly, each state has criteria on what is legal to share with us. It's not considered withholding. It's considered illegal to give some types of information to us.
Even though I know my b-family's names, I cannot have access to any identifying information from the agency or maternity home.
It's odd because the information should be mine and my b-mom's. Unfortunately, legally, they don't see it as mine.
WhereIsJennifer
... or as a point of contact for reunions.
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As a bmom it is frustrating for me to know that my son never got the letter I left for him.... I never wanted to hide from him but I also didn't want to intrude unwanted in his life. (I finally looked anyway and contacted him, but he had obviously been looking for me because he had signed on the the registry on here and left his information.)I really dislike secrets especially when it means keeping people's records secret from them and the people themselves secret from relatives. It is especially disturbing as a bmom to think that agencies wouldn't even forward updated medical records to the adoptees or their aparents.
As a bmom it is frustrating for me to know that my son never got the letter I left for him.... I never wanted to hide from him but I also didn't want to intrude unwanted in his life. (I finally looked anyway and contacted him, but he had obviously been looking for me because he had signed on the the registry on here and left his information.)
I really dislike secrets especially when it means keeping people's records secret from them and the people themselves secret from relatives. It is especially disturbing as a bmom to think that agencies wouldn't even forward updated medical records to the adoptees or their aparents.
kakuehl
As a bmom it is frustrating for me to know that my son never got the letter I left for him.... I never wanted to hide from him but I also didn't want to intrude unwanted in his life. (I finally looked anyway and contacted him, but he had obviously been looking for me because he had signed on the the registry on here and left his information.)
I really dislike secrets especially when it means keeping people's records secret from them and the people themselves secret from relatives. It is especially disturbing as a bmom to think that agencies wouldn't even forward updated medical records to the adoptees or their aparents.
dpom
Wow, I am very, very surprised. We worked with one agency only. And indeed in the beginning they wanted us to do everything through them, but once they figured out that we get very well along with the birthfamily and that they gave us their address and that the adoption was finalized they got out. We were told that they wanted to be there to make sure that we don't do anything illegal that sounds like coercion, etc. But withholding information, that is completely ridiculous!
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kakuehl
As a bmom it is frustrating for me to know that my son never got the letter I left for him.... I never wanted to hide from him but I also didn't want to intrude unwanted in his life. (I finally looked anyway and contacted him, but he had obviously been looking for me because he had signed on the the registry on here and left his information.)
I really dislike secrets especially when it means keeping people's records secret from them and the people themselves secret from relatives. It is especially disturbing as a bmom to think that agencies wouldn't even forward updated medical records to the adoptees or their aparents.
One thing that has also happened to many adoptees is that the agency has thrown things out. There is one adoptee blogger whose bmother bought 2 teddies, kept one and gave the other to the agency to be given to the child. She only found this out after reuniting with her bmom - when she contacted the agency, there was no record of the teddy at all. Other bmoms have said they left letters but when their child made contact with the agency, no letter was to be found.
As for the adoptions files themselves - apparently they are made of very flammable and/or the agency is in a very flood prone spot because it is amazing how many adoptees have found out that the adoption records were burnt in a mysterious fire or lost in a flood. I hope Insurance Agencies take note of the fact that these agencies are so prone to fires and floods - they may need to charge them higher insurance premiums!