Is this unusual behavior for an adoption agency?

Dickons,I was replying to the post that it is not OK for the agency to withhold the information and how other agencies are doing. Somehow this got again into the parallel adoptees vs adoptive parents that I see way too often on this forum. The truth is that if the agency is not ethical with the birthfamily they are for sure not ethical with the adoptive family either. I know way too many cases in which foster parents or adoptive parents were not told the truth about that particular child and things got into a really bad situation (luckily it was not our case). It is really an agency issue and not an adoptee vs. adoptive parents issue. You could easily argue that they are lying to adoptive parents as well so that they can get money from them. Both this is already beyond the question that was asked.

Dickons, I was replying to the post that it is not OK for the agency to withhold the information and how other agencies are doing. Somehow this got again into the parallel adoptees vs adoptive parents that I see way too often on this forum. The truth is that if the agency is not ethical with the birthfamily they are for sure not ethical with the adoptive family either. I know way too many cases in which foster parents or adoptive parents were not told the truth about that particular child and things got into a really bad situation (luckily it was not our case). It is really an agency issue and not an adoptee vs. adoptive parents issue. You could easily argue that they are lying to adoptive parents as well so that they can get money from them. Both this is already beyond the question that was asked.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say Dom about "Somehow this got again into the parallel adoptees vs adoptive parents that I see way too often on this forum." What exactly is wrong with my post? Dickons

I'm on the fence about whether or not Dickons' post was an "adoptee vs adoptive parent" issue. I can see how it could be interpreted in that manner, and I can see how it could be interpreted as "adoptive parents AND adoptees vs. adoption agencies". I will say that there is a point to be made in the influence and control agencies have over the adoption long after the adoption has been finalized. I feel adoption agencies should turn over all available information (ALL available information, save information safeguarded by privacy laws) to the adopted parents; then again to the adoptee when they have reached the age of majority; then get the heck out of it. Once their role of placing an adoptee into an adoptive parents' custody has been completed, their only remaining roles are the forwarding of needed or requested information.

... or as a point of contact for reunions.

WhereisJennifer, There was not even non-id available for me - the state did not require it be kept. They suggested I contact the adoption agency I was adopted from, despite advising them that I was adopted through the state, not an agency, in my letter requesting my non-id and any letters asked to be included. I even gave them the court ID numbers to my file because I had already received my mother's court surrender, my parents adoption petition, the adoption granted document, and the court overview of both sets of parents via court order. Imagine how I would have felt knowing there was not even a file kept on me to provide basic non-identifying info like my mother was X years old and of X nationality and sang in a choir - blah blah blah - if I had not already received the court order approving the unsealing of those records. Kind regards, Dickons

I did not get the sense that Dickons was trying to perpetuate an adoptee v. aparent mentality. I heard her saying that the only reason aparents experience agencies in a different way is because the aparents pay them (they don't necessarily lie less to a parents, they are just nicer and more courteous to the paying customer.)

Agreed. Moreover, dpom seems to be referring to contacts with the agency during the adoption process or shortly thereafter. We're talking about what happens years after the adoption is finalized. Sadly, each state has criteria on what is legal to share with us. It's not considered withholding. It's considered illegal to give some types of information to us. Even though I know my b-family's names, I cannot have access to any identifying information from the agency or maternity home. It's odd because the information should be mine and my b-mom's. Unfortunately, legally, they don't see it as mine.

Which they are jerks about too. They lie to both sides of the equation then, and no I'm not talking about adoptive parents. This isn't really about who gets more ethical treatment, this is about the fact that adoptees information is withheld from them, as adults. This isn't about families of origin, this isn't about adoptive families, this is about adopted ADULTS. Our information is withheld and we are treated like perpetual children. That's what it comes down to. DPom, I don't think it helps us when you come here talking about how your adoption worked when that isn't what we are dealing with here at all. We are dealing with a system that won't give us any information. We're old school adoptees here, having been adopted in the '50's, '60's and '70's. I had to have a court order to get my file from the agency and then I had to pay a HUGE fee to get it. It doesn't even include my OBC, I'll never have that. The agency wasn't nice to me, even though I was paying them to find that information, they acted as if I was a burden, because we are burdens. The several hundred dollars I paid to get information that belongs to me wasn't anything to them, because it isn't an adoption fee. This particular agency also claims to offer lifelong counseling to anyone involved in an adoption. Pfft, they weren't decent to me until my mom got on the phone with them and chewed a social worker, then I finally got answers on how to get my records opened, they wouldn't even answer those questions for me. Thank goodness I lived in a small county at the time and I was friends with the clerk of courts who helped me find and fill out all the paperwork for the court order. Thank goodness I was adopted in the largest county in the state where the family judge routinely signs off on those court orders, in the smaller counties a circuit court judge has to do that, and they don't unless they feel there is a compelling reason that you need your records. There are a lot of thank goodness's in there you will notice. At least I wasn't facing a life or death situation like Dickons was when she had to battle to get her records opened, but the stars still had to align for me, and it shouldn't be that way. The "I can't believe that happens." don't really help. What they do is throw us into defensive mode because those things do really happen to us. If I said, My parents only paid 500 dollars for my adoption, I don't believe that you paid 20,000 to complete your child's adoption, would that make you feel a little defensive? Probably. This really isn't an us or them thing, this is a please try to understand what we are going through thing, and realize that adoption now can't really be compared to the adoption that we experienced. It is also, as kakeuhl states, it really is about paying customers and who they are nice to and who they aren't. They don't make as much money off of our requests for records as they do off of people adopting.

As a bmom it is frustrating for me to know that my son never got the letter I left for him.... I never wanted to hide from him but I also didn't want to intrude unwanted in his life. (I finally looked anyway and contacted him, but he had obviously been looking for me because he had signed on the the registry on here and left his information.)I really dislike secrets especially when it means keeping people's records secret from them and the people themselves secret from relatives. It is especially disturbing as a bmom to think that agencies wouldn't even forward updated medical records to the adoptees or their aparents.

As a bmom it is frustrating for me to know that my son never got the letter I left for him.... I never wanted to hide from him but I also didn't want to intrude unwanted in his life. (I finally looked anyway and contacted him, but he had obviously been looking for me because he had signed on the the registry on here and left his information.) I really dislike secrets especially when it means keeping people's records secret from them and the people themselves secret from relatives. It is especially disturbing as a bmom to think that agencies wouldn't even forward updated medical records to the adoptees or their aparents.

Kathy - that's why I wanted my non-id so badly - to see if my mother had left a letter in my file and I ensured I worded it that I wanted any letter etc. No, they do not forward the medical information (who'd think it'd be good to find out your mother had breast cancer dx at 28 so you could get tested in your 20's instead of your 40's type stuff) - nor are adoptees aware of even the fact that there may be information to be requested. Kind regards, Dickons

Dpom, I just checked out previous posts of yours to see if they mentioned your agency and I have a friend who was adopted through them and applied to them to make contact a few years ago. She said that they didn't give her documents she didn't ask for, i.e. she had to guess what they had, eg if they had had a letter from her bmother to her, they wouldn't given in to her unless she specifically asked if there had been a letter. That sounds to me like what has happened to WhereisJennifer - i.e. because he didn't ask for the letter because he didn't know about, they didn't give to him. Btw it is possible that you and WhereisJennifer are dealing with the same agency (although different states). That's not knocking your agency - I have heard each branch is different.

Not to mention, the pompous presumptuousness to keep secrets that those they are keeping secrets "on behalf of" don't WANT that!

One thing that has also happened to many adoptees is that the agency has thrown things out. There is one adoptee blogger whose bmother bought 2 teddies, kept one and gave the other to the agency to be given to the child. She only found this out after reuniting with her bmom - when she contacted the agency, there was no record of the teddy at all. Other bmoms have said they left letters but when their child made contact with the agency, no letter was to be found. As for the adoptions files themselves - apparently they are made of very flammable and/or the agency is in a very flood prone spot because it is amazing how many adoptees have found out that the adoption records were burnt in a mysterious fire or lost in a flood. I hope Insurance Agencies take note of the fact that these agencies are so prone to fires and floods - they may need to charge them higher insurance premiums!