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Hi all, First time here, and I am seeking advice. I am partially adopted, in that my birthfather left before I was born, and upon my 9th birthday I was then adopted by my stepfather. At that point I was told of my birthfather. My birthmother has been with me the entire time (good relationship). In my early 20s, my stepfather passed away, and with the inheritance I went to track down my birthfather. I was successful in finding him. The meeting was terse and very tense and as a young 20 year old, even though I was prepared for all eventualities - it was painful. He told me that he didn't want anything further to do with me, and specifically asked me not to contact his (then young) family. I agreed. Now, in my late 30s, I have had another life event, a child of my own. And this is where I am struggling with what to do next... I have means to contact my birthfather, and have felt ever since my son was born that I should tell him about his (biological) grandson. But also I have means to contact his (now) adult sons. Given my (one and only) experience with my birthfather, I feel if I want to have the best go at developing a relationship with my biological family, I should go through his sons. I do suspect that even if my birthfather knows about my child, he will "keep the secret" of my exsistance from his family. So the question are a) given failed contact, do I proceed with telling my birthfather of my news (FYI, my wife is fully supportive of any approach).. b) do I attempt to contact my sons biological uncles and go that way? This would be going against my word. c) do I not attempt contact in anyway* * - note that I have lived a full and vibrant life even with the rejection of the failed contact, and do not see by birthfathers rejection as a failing of my character or identity. I am still struggling with answering the question of "why I care that they know" and am only 90% sure that I do care... Anyone have some thoughts on this? experiences of their own that they are willing to share? Thanks, Dan
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Hello armydan, You're what we call an adoptee lite. You don't have two adoptive parents. You only have one. I'm sorry about how your father reacted to you. That was almost 20 years ago, right? You kept your word while his children were children. They are now adults, and they can make up their own minds. Personally, I would contact him first. Your best chance at having a relationship with your siblings is if you develop a relationship with your father. Typically, our "kept" siblings will be loyal to their parent. I wouldn't necessarily tell him that you're planning to contact your siblings. I would just tell him that you wanted him to know that you have a son and see how he takes it. If he asks for it again, I wouldn't promise him that you won't contact your siblings. If he presses, you can tell him that you didn't contact them while they were children, and they have a right to decide now. I'm not telling you whether you should or shouldn't contact your father or your siblings. That's a personal decision..... I would guess that your father never told his wife about you eiher. It's hard to come clean after twenty or forty years. I've struggled with your question, too. And, I've come to the conclusion that I want people to know I exist. I'm not a shame that should be hidden away. I'm a person, and I want my family to know that I exist. Having said that, I haven't contacted my maternal siblings or any cousins. It's a decision that only you can make, and you don't have to make a definitive decision now. You make a a decision and you can think about it again in a couple months or years.
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It seems to me that the simplest first step is to let him know that he has a grandchild and see how or if he responds. You can take it from there. Do you know if his other children know of your existence? I really wish that my bson had been able to know his dad. Unfortunately, he had dies before I found D. My raised children knew that they had a brother as did bdad's younger son so we didn't keep secrets. That made reunion easier for us. Your bdad may have changed his mind over the years. Do you know if his wife knows about you? (I hate secrets. They are so destructive to relationships.
ArmyDan~It sounds to me as if it may be more beneficial to go through your siblings than your father at this point. There are a lot of adoptees who use agencies or individuals to find their birth parents, only to have them reject contact; the search ends there. However, as you have the means to contact your siblings, I would definitely try. May God bless your path and life journey! :) <3
ArmyDan~ It sounds to me as if it may be more beneficial to go through your siblings than your father at this point. There are a lot of adoptees who use agencies or individuals to find their birth parents, only to have them reject contact; the search ends there. However, as you have the means to contact your siblings, I would definitely try. May God bless your path and life journey! :) <3
Thanks for the advice everyone, given me a bit to think about. kakuehl - I have no definite proof one way or another. I've only been asked (by my birthfather) not to contact them. I agree on the secrets thing, my experience with family secrets is that eventually they come out, and it is more damaging to the relationship *how* they come out rather than the content of the secret.
"Do you know if his other children know of your existence?"
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armydan
I agree on the secrets thing, my experience with family secrets is that eventually they come out, and it is more damaging to the relationship *how* they come out rather than the content of the secret.